Cmon on up for the Rising on the Lake Erie Shore

[Neilh23]

would it be wrong if i admit that to her that i was being clouded by my frustration with missing her?

[Neilh23]

you know what's funny?

i can't follow my own advice.....

i tell people to think before they act...does this hurt or harm your goal? MY goal is to, ultimately, reconcile with my W. and here I am today, acting like an ass when she really needs my help. Seriously, WTF.

and the thing is.... i know better.

[Forrest Gump]

"i tell people to think before they act...does this hurt or harm your goal?"

Emotion can grab you at the wrong time. People always make fun of my "No Emotion" statement.. who's laughing now.

It typically does not do as much damage as you think it does.. unless you are WAAAAYYY out of line. You did the right thing.. you backed up admitted you were wrong.. and did what you needed to do. Funny thing about us humans.. we always allow for some mistakes.

Don't ponder it any more... moving on!!

[Neilh23]

Thanks forrest (or cory).

and yes, Smartcookie...i am alot like your H because i do look at one incident as ruining everything...LOL

[poet]

Hi Neil,

Here's you:

"...acting like an ass when she really needs my help. Seriously, WTF."

Here's me:
"...acting like an ass" too.

I like FG's advice. Don't give up. Isn't that what you've been telling me all along? I'm a mess, he's a mess. So what. We gotta do SOMEthing .... right, right?

hugs,
s

[Neilh23]

The more you take care of you & fill your own bucket, the less you'll expect her to. Find & read my lightbulb moment. & get a very thick, heavy raincoat & a large umbrella.

how did you figure yours out? did you read the 5 LL? or is it your lightbulb moment? Because i have hardly any clue how to fill mine.....

Now go watch a very cute Disney movie with the D's, or have them teach you how to do "tea parties", or let them paint your toenails. lol Hugs.

no toenails, thank you very much. and we already do tea parties. We're going to build towers and knock them down. Guy stuff. LOL...

thanks

[Neilh23]

Don't give up. Isn't that what you've been telling me all along? I'm a mess, he's a mess. So what. We gotta do SOMEthing .... right, right?

of course you're right. LOL. just one of those days/weekends....and there's no reason for it....

[smartcookie]

how did you figure yours out? did you read the 5 LL? or is it your lightbulb moment? Because i have hardly any clue how to fill mine.....

(I should have asked if you want the short answer of the long one. Sorry, it got very long)

Counseling helped me a lot. It gave me the first ever healthy adult male relationship. It was a safe place for me to face my fears & the anger that always boiled right under the surface.

Also the Dr gave me a healthier perspective of things. See (subconsciously) I wanted H to be my daddy, & care for my feelings, & make me happy, & take care of me, & know what I wanted & needed before I even said anything, etc etc etc

H wouldn't do it, so I turned to OM. He said he could & would. He told me that he was the only one that could. That built an incredible dependency on him that was horrible to break.

Once my psychologist got through to me that nobody could do that, but me, I had to figure it out. I didn't know how. I made a list of all the things I enjoyed doing before I got married & had kids. Then I started trying them again, to see if they gave me inner happiness.

For me, it's listening to beautiful music, walking in nature, sounds of the ocean, playing piano, reading any type of book, bubble baths, watching my kids playing & laughing, messing on the computer, paying it forward here, cooking, eating, the stillness of my house at 1 am, when it's dark & everyone's asleep, watching a hummingbird, floating weightless in my pool, eating chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven with an ice cold glass of milk, doing yoga/pilates......It's whatever gives you pleasure.

Starting school for me was HUGE. It gave me something to do that was challenging, interesting & new. It gives me instant gratification. I feel so smart right now because of it. I'm acing every unit & session on the course.

My Dr has worked with me for a year to build my assertiveness, & self worth. He kept saying "it's lovely to be able to depend on someone, it sucks big time to be dependent on someone".

I was always dependent on H to make me happy, & that's why I never was. I had to figure out how to be happy all on my own, with or without H. H had to figure out how to be happy with or without me. He thought he would emotionally die without me. He thought he would be less without his family. He thought he would be embarrassed & humiliated to admit divorce to his family & friends. He was terrified of losing his "trophy" wife.

That's what DB'ing is all about. Find happiness with or without your spouse. GAL, do a 180, take care of you first. Save yourself first. If your spouse gets a clue & wants to follow, fantastic. If not, you STILL save yourself.

Make sense ???

[upside_downer]

Neil-

I know what you are feeling when you say you can't follow your own advice.

That nagging little bugger that tells us to "teach a lesson" when our W acts like that? Mine is anger. It's the feelings I'm suppressing due to this. They are my little gauge that tells me that I have work to do to improve, because otherwise, those thoughts wouldn't come to mind to make a snide remark.

You've been doing great so far. Maybe it's time for you and I to step up our game to the next level so that little things like this stop challenging us?

[Neilh23]

SC-
yeah it makes sense. Now i gotta process it and put it into practice. the hard part is that i really don't remember my life without her...we've been together basically since i was 19.

UD- I hear ya brother. My little bugger is anger too. I've been trying to deal with that...and my IC and i are making progress with that. It's weird. I wish sometimes i could go and see him more that once a week. I think that's why i come on here so often. Heck, i'm almost at 750 posts...and i've been here for less than 2 months...good grief...

thanks dude. What's our goal?