How do you deal with the MLC Anger?

[ReDesigner]

It hurts to hear all the complaints, it's true. It can damage your self-esteem and confidence, unless you work on re-building your sense of self. It was happening to me for years. Until I re-built my self, I couldn't develop a coat of armor to deal with all the bitter attacks. Now it is a lot easier after being away from the constant drubbings.

A few years ago, after discovering his EA online, we attended a "Getting the Love You Want" workshop presented by the Imago therapist in our city. I'd also read the book and it was very helpful. A useful technique, but takes practice - is called the Mirror technique. I sometimes use that when people, anyone not just the S is spouting off complaints, especially ones that don't make any sense to me or that I feel are totally misguided. However, in the Imago workshop, we also learned to try to put ourselves outside the angry words. If we can separate ourselves from the verbal attacks, there is good information that could actually help you. It takes a lot of emotional courage and strength but with practice, like in sports, it improves!

The mirror technique helped me by paraphrasing back to the other person what they accuse and complain. It shows the words are being heard by the partner. Take nothing personally. If it is being taken personally, then you know that there is actually a grain of truth in what your S is saying, which may be why you feel so affected. You can try to do this by starting out saying: "So if I understand you correctly, you're saying that I don't help you enough with the housework..." Sometimes when you're paraphrasing and they hear their own words from the outside in, they'll retract, saying - no, that's not what I said. If that happens, two things are going on here - either you've paraphrased and missed the point or they're hearing and understanding is contradictory or doesn't make sense. Mirroring can help to diffuse an angry person, but the opposite can also be true, so be selective when it's used.

Often I found that I didn't quite understand what the complaint was in the first place. In the case of a MLC'er, they're so confused, they can't put the finger on exactly what is bugging them, either. They just feel miserable and they're projecting it on you. Sometimes we don't register the complaint when it's the same old thing repeatedly. Also, after a long time together, you just get used to knowing that complaint so you stop reacting or lose the motivation to do anything about it.

I wouldn't recommend "mirroring" every conversation because you can also start to annoy the other person, which can lead to them clamming up or enraging them further.

If you get the Harville Hendrix book, Getting the Love You Want, the description of the technique and its follow-up is there. I found it was better to witness it demonstrated at the workshop. I've seen it result in a sense of relief for couples, at finally being heard.

In the case of MLC, I feel the anger is the undercurrent of long-simmering resentments and as we are witnessing, it's the S's many unaddressed childhood issues coming out. For those things, we're not responsible. Our resemblance to their offending caretakers is what is happening according to Imago theory. That's why regaining one's sense of separate and strong self-identity is vital in dealing with the MLC'er. We're not those people who hurt them. I can see that now.

Anyway, that's one technique I used that proved useful sometimes. It's a small step.

Good luck with everything. Leave the rest to God.