I have followed your posts with interest for a long time. I may have even posted once or twice to you, I'm not sure. Anyway, I am glad that things worked out for you and I hope that this thread accomplishes what you hope for. I am sorry the last one turned into such a mess. In all my time here I have been most surprised at how people turn on one another. But, I guess that is the price you pay with emotions running high.
Anyway- It is funny that you are posting again, because I often run your sitch through my head when thinking about my own. I remember you saying that your wife did the whole detachment thing so well- enough that you were on your own but not so much that you knew you could never go back.
I am writing to you because I am stuck. Actually, I just unstuck myself but am wondering if I did the right thing. I just need some reinforcement here from someone who has been there.
Long story short- My H and I divorced in Feb. Right before it happened he began telling me he loved me (he had stopped for 3 years previous). He IMed me late one night and left a message that said that he needed to say what he has been screaming in his head for ages- that he loved me and always did. (Yeah, he was one who at one time said that he didn't love me and doubted that he ever did.)
At mediation he basically told me that this had all gone too far but he didn't know how to stop it. I let that go- I figured he needed to have the guts to tell his lawyer that he wasn't going to go through with things. He did end up postponing, but the lawyer said that he could only do so for 10 days and then he would have to go before the judge anyway to comletely stop the D or to continue on. He ended up doing it.
Still, he wanted to start fresh and said that the D was necessary in order to do so. We began dating and all was well. He got distant again and admitted that he was so scared that things would go back- that he didn't know if he could risk his heart by giving it his all.
We continue to putter along. He gets close and then backs away. He does, however, still have full access to the house. He comes in as he pleases and has never listened to my request that he knock before coming in. Last week he showed up with a basket of laundry! Anyway, I guess I hit my breaking point. I just can't handle that anymore- he has the best of both worlds while I am here dealing with the everyday stuff (kids, bills, yard, etc.)
I finally did what everyone has been telling me to do- I told him that I would prefer he stay away from the house. I felt it was the only way I could keep my sanity at this point. I do not have access to his house. He comes in and goes through my mail and at times he was looking at my text messages and phone log. He is still very flirty with me- last week we even went on a date to the movies.
I am having too hard of a time removing myself from the fact that we have kids and 20 years together. I mean, I try to start fresh, but I can't.
Anyway, I don't know that this was the right step. As I said, I think of you saying that your wife was tolerant to a point. My ex has said that he has driven by here at night, so badly wanting to stop or that he wants to call at times but doesn't. I tried for 3 years to make him feel safe enough to do so, but it just hasn't worked. I need to accept that it isn't ME doing this but him.
Do you have any advice/suggestions? I need someone to tell me straight, tact or no tact. I dont want to hear about baby steps and all of that. THe fact is, my ex doesn't know what he wants. I do. I want an intact family. I will do what it takes to get there.
Thanks, Happy. I will not clog up your thread with all of this. I just don't have it in me after all this time to start one of my own. As you can see, it's been a loooooooong time that I have been around.
