I will ask the pastor to talk to FIL about all this. When pastor says jump to FIL, he says how high how far and how many times :-)
This is pretty good. Did you tell the pastor that your inlaws have decided that she just has to "make her own mistakes?" I can't imagine the pastor would be very impressed with their position.
This must be quite an embarassment for the church as a whole if her parents are that close to the administration.
My guess is the pastor has read some material on affairs, how to end them etc. You would have to gauge that. If the pastor knows how to work with wayward spouses and has training and experience there then let him talk with her, but if he's just going to try to bullhead your wife into doing what she's told, he could do more damage.
We really need to find out what his approach is going to be. If you read the url's and the books you likley have a pretty good idea how what TO do and what NOT TO do when approaching her.
If you try to corner that wildcat you could end up doing more damage, if he's going to just let her talk about how she feels, give her some things to think about and let her visit iwth him regularly to talk it might help...it all depends on his approach.
Your friends sound like they are taking the gentle approach to, which tends to work better than strongarming someone into ending an affair.
MIL and FIL work too much to attend a MC session so I am afraid it will just be me. Not sure how to find a pro-marriage counselor though. I have another appointment with pastor on Wednesday.... Going to see if he'll talk to her or if she has to come to him. If so I'll get his card.
Most counsellors will try to save a marriage if they can.
I would reccomend you talk to your pastor about a list of marriage counselors in your area, he should be able to give you references.
Talk to them on the phone just to get a sense of what their approach is, let them know what your situation is and ask if they think they can help.
Itelling me to give up and she apologized and told me not to give up and that her sis isn't thinking straight.
Give up? It depends on what that means? If it means you are going to keep trying to control this situation and force her to stay married, and keep looking for the words or actions to change her mind and agonize over everything then I think your chances of success are probably lower. It's just not attractive. It's weak. Most women don't like weak needy men.
Were you like this when she first dated you? How have you changed? What attracted her to you in the first place?
There's no need to "give up," but to expect you can change this and to try to coerce her into changing her mind is probably not helpful. You are better off "leaving the door open" to your marriage. You don't try to pull her through it, or convince her to come in, or scare her about what she's going to find outside. You just leave it open. Be cordial, do your own thing, create a great life for you... look great be an amazing guy... and if you do a great job at that she may get intereted and decide to walk through that door. (Or you may have other women peeking in because something interestes them)
And it may be that she doesn't want to enter that door. And that's something you need to come to terms with.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I'll try to be as descriptive as I can here, with dialogue. I just dropped our son off at our house; wife wanted to talk about support payments and sort of make a "plan" for them since we get paid bi-weekly. I asked her how much it cost monthly to support our son, and not just what the paper (X) said. She was visibly frustrated by a number of things, including the divorce. she says "Do you think we might get back together?" I said that I wasn't there to talk about that, and I wasn't worried about it either. and she said "well I am" I am assuming she meant she is worried that I think we have a chance, when in her eyes we don't. She asked "why won't you let me divorce you?" objectively I stated I didn't know I wasn't "letting her" and that I don't believe in divorce or tearing up a family, reminding her a few times that I want what's best for our family, especially our son. Although our son is young, he will still be affected by this. I got the usual "I don't want to be married to you" to which I replied "well I'm sorry you feel that way and I realize marriage is a want, not a need, and at first I thought this was the end of the world but I know it isn't and life has gone on for me." when i told her the paper with (X number of dollars) wasn't set in stone or official, she immediately retaliated with "do you want me to file a complaint with domestics ?" to which I replied "being civil and mature does not include threats." She said "I'm not threatening, you tell me what you think is a fair number." Overall not a good conversation, but I left her wondering what I am really thinking. I gave her the impression I felt we weren't getting back together and it wasn't a personal death if we didn't.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Sorry Runningoutoftime, no, I think the sister was saying give up as in, let her HAVE her DIVORCE and get on with your life as a single person. Let go of any shred of hope in reconcilliation, etc.
Tha'ts the usual response most "friends" offer when you discuss your partner having an affair. It makes me sick because if the SISTER was being CHEATED ON that's not what she would want Buster to be telling her.
People are so hypocritical about affairs its tragic.
They never understand until they get hit with one...then all the lights come on about how sensitive and precious a household is, and important it is to nurture that same thing.
Don't give up, just do something different than what most people do. Never give up hope. Hope is inside of you, keep it alive as long as you want.
so, in the end she was sighing and visibly frustrated as "we didn't solve anything once again." I asked if there was anything else she wanted to talk about and she said "no I don't want your opinion on anything, because we don't agree on anything." once again i said "i only want whats best for all 3 of us, I care about the two of you very very much."
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
No worries Buster, those are always difficult to handle.
You have to gauge what she's looking for and decide what response from that will bring her closer to you. Often times you have to fly by the seat of your pants becasue of the ridiculous things people having affairs toss at you.
If her asking "Do you think we might get back together" was her baiting you to say "yes" so she can offer a resounding "you are out of your freaking mind" then ya, avoid that one. If she wanted to hear there was hope then sure throw her a bone, you have to gauge the tone in her voice there...tough call.
I don't know what she is trying to threaten you with here, but as long as you keep yourself on the straight and narrow and she is cheating, going out drinking, and avoiding MC and her church then SHE looks like the bad guy and I can't imagine anyone giving you a hassle comparatively.
Don't do anything right now that would reflect badly on you publically...drinking, drugs, hitting the casino, etc...just go to church, maintain some healthy socially active hobbies, and keep bing the father your son needs and you should be safe from anything she can throw at you right now.
I think you handled the conversation well, as best as can be when dealing with hostile wayward spouses. I find it ironic that she would use word "fair" in a sentence while she's openly cheating on you. Its a tragic scene, always is. If she had any idea how to even spell fair she wouldn't be cheating in the first place.
Well done overall, its best to just stave off the hostilities if you can. make sure you cover your butt legally so she can't do anything against you. If she gets legal you can always take her son away untli she grows up a bit...that may wake her up just a tad, but hold that card until you absolutely have to play it.
I really don't know why she would be the primary caregiver if she's the one cheating, partying, and drinking. Its a disgrace and any government official should be able to see who is being the child in this conflict...keep your head high and your rep clean and you are untouchable.
