The Wifey - trying hard not to cry.

[The Wifey]

Suzanne,

I don't want the separation, a possible divorce, etc. But he says he is always going to be in my life. I think I just need to accept this and stay quiet. He knows how I feel; I'm sure I've made it clear.

Now, space, and lots of breathing. Backsliding is painful. I can't do that to him or me again. I have to work really hard to be strong.

[steady]

Wifey...what is the big fear that is causing the clinging?

Let's start there. Keep it simple. Just this one question.

ken

[NikB]

Ken - good question.

((Wifey))

Hope you're feeling better today.

But he says he is always going to be in my life. I think I just need to accept this and stay quiet. He knows how I feel; I'm sure I've made it clear.

I may have missed this as I haven't read every post - but how do you feel about that, him being in your life but not as your H?

Mine told me the same thing and it struck me that it wouldn't work FOR ME. I couldn't be "just friends" with my H. I told him that - calmly and collectedly. "I don't want to end our M but if that happens, I think it would be too painful for me to remain friends with you. If we D I will be fair about everything and I expect it to be amicable but I wouldn't remain friends with you." I forget the exact wording but it was something like that.

If you feel that way and you haven't said that to him, it might be worth saying next time he brings up something about "always being there." I'm sure he knows you want to work on the M, but he may not realize that this part of his little fantasy may not work out so well.

[Forrest Gump]

"What I need to know now, is is it possible for me to detach and give him the space and time he is asking for and both of us live in the same house? I just don't know if it is."

Yes and No. It can work... the other person has to be somewhat receptive to it.. or you have to have really thick skin.. and have your head on completely straight. You will have to think and respond under a great amount of stress.

The other way it goes is you two kill each other.

Detaching with physical distance.. is not always a bad thing.

"He feels terribly guilty that I've lost more than 20 pounds and am a mere shadow of the person I normally am."

Now this hit home a bit.. I use a picture for my avatar.. the picture show me standing on the beach.. a wave just passed.. and all you can see is my shadow. To me it just said.. the shadow of the man I used to be. I took that picture.. about 2 weeks after I moved out. The meaning today (of the picture) is still exactly the same as it was when I took it. Yet it means something completely different. When I took the picture.. I was angry, sad, lost, separated, broke, homeless.. to a point. I have lost all that simply because the separation was good.. it put a quick end to a big issue me and my wife had.. from there we sorted it all out. So I am still a shadow of what I once was.. I am much happier with what I see in that shadow now.

"Why can't I just get it together before I lose everything?"

Some people need to get to the bottom.. it has a side effect of making you look up. You loose "everything" so you can start over.

"I don't want the separation, a possible divorce, etc. But he says he is always going to be in my life. I think I just need to accept this and stay quiet. He knows how I feel; I'm sure I've made it clear."

You can't cling to something and expect it to change. If you hold onto your kid that first day of school.. they will never get on the bus. You know they need to go to school.. so they can learn to spell and grow. You have to trust that things will be OK. Somehow.. some way..

Keep an open mind.. as hard as it is to do. Thats all you can do.

Keep your head up.. and always...

[The Wifey]

(((Forest Gump, NikB, Ken)))

I believe I hit rock bottom this morning when I looked at the depressing apartment. I took a good look in the mirror and realized that DB will work and that I have to make a commitment to it. What I am doing isn't working and it hurts way too much, for both of us.

So, I've been away from home all day and spent most of the day laying in the sun getting a tan. Right now I am sitting on the porch at my mom's having a cold drink and checking in here, then I'm going to work on some paperwork for my job.

I'd stopped earlier to the MIL's. H was there because he'd been helping his dad cut firewood in the morning. I played it cool and asked if he was going to get any (motorcycle) riding in. He said he was on his way home to finish cutting the lawn and then he was going to meet his friend and ride. Told him I was glad to hear it, have a nice ride.

This is how it has to be. I get it now.

Ken, the fear I think goes back to when I was a kid and my parents owned and ran a campground for 20 years. I was 13 when they bought it and basically never had my parents focus on us after that. It was hard on me and my two sisters. We came to hate the business. We rarely had their undivided attention after that and we always had to share them. Even visiting after we got married wasn't really visiting, until two years ago when they finally sold the place.

Then when I was 16 my Dad had a PA and I watched my mom go through hell. I didn't know if my family would stay together or not. I was dating my husband then and he was who I turned to. He'd been there ever since as my rock, until the bomb.

I think maybe I never learned to stand on my own two feet. I went right from my parents to my husband. Its time to start understanding that I am ok with just me. I have a good job and make a decent amount of money. I can take care of myself financially.

What I need to work on is my self-esteem. I need to GAL like crazy because there really are things I like to do that I've held back from because my h didn't want to do them. Since the bomb dropped I haven't even touched my sweater that I am knitting. I've just turned into a ball of hurt.

I don't want to hurt like this. I can't let the fear that things won't work out stop me from taking steps to take care of me.

If worse comes to worse, Nik, in some strange way I would want to be his friend. I would actually want to keep being in his life and ml to him. If he remained in my life and just didn't want to be married to me I would hope to be strong enough to accept that.

Well, off to do my work. Tonight I am going to move my stuff into my s's old bedroom. I bought a cute lamp at a yard sale for beside the bed. I'll be looking for curtains this week, I decided.

Got to be cool and strong. Thanks, guys for the words of support and the 2x4's. I needed both. Its nice to know that I still have tonight, tomorrow and the next months to work at this. It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't even cleared her throat yet.

[Neilh23]

Kjo-
good plan!!!! you've gotten your head on straight...i'm proud of you!!!!

it's ok to feel the pain...it's normal, especially since this IS pretty painful for all of us.....this growth period....keep it up!!!!

[The Wifey]

Thanks, Neil. (((Neil)))

My one-man cheer squad! I don't know why it took me getting blistered a few times to straighten out my head. It almost certainly won't be the last time I need a 2x4. But I do have my head straight. I feel like a fog lifted this afternoon. I won't be sharing that with the h, only you guys.

Calm and cool, deep breaths, and new tan lines!

[Neilh23]

just expect that the fog will come back from time to time (see me this afternoon...LOL)...but how you recover from it makes all the difference. Focus on that!!!!

don't ever call me a cheerleader again. LOL

[poet]

Hi Wifey,

Just checking in to give you a couple of quotes from Randy Pausch (sp) and "The Last Lecture."


How to lead your life:

Do the right thing.
Tell the truth.
Be earnest.
Apologize when you screw up.
Show gratitude.
Focus on other people.
Cherish and use feedback. (I like this one a lot).
If someone is angry at you, just keep waiting no matter how long it takes.
Don't forget karma.
Be prepared. Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.

hugs,
s

[The Wifey]

Oh Neil, you made me burst out laughing when I read not to call you a cheerleader!

Thanks, Suzanne. I just read his book and have watched his dvd of the lecture. Thanks for the quotes. My H is wild about Randy Pausch. He was sad that he passed away.

I actually said a prayer for his wife Jai and his kids when I heard he had passed away.