Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

Yesterday was not a good one. Oh, it started OK - my boys and I playing around the house, breakfast, cartoons...

The I took oldest son (age 9) to his counselor. I played with younger son in waiting room. Counselor led oldest son out into waiting room and the said he wanted to talk to me.

Counselor said that my son has negative feelings toward the OM. Shocker. But, the counselor said that in his experience, any and all negative feelings MUST have come from the jilted spouse. I said that I make a point of not discussing OM with the kids, but counselor said that even if that was true, my not discussing OM sends a signal of negativity about OM. Said that OM is an "adult, deserving of dignity and respect" and that I should speak positively about him.

Uh....WHAT?!?!

Counselor then went on and basically said "Look, this guy, for better or worse, is a part of your sons' lives and may very well become their stepdad, so it's in their best interests for you to get along with this guy." I pointed out that wife and OM have been a couple for a whopping two and a half months, that OM is a 30-year-old alcoholic with a penchant for going AWOL when stressed, and has demonstrated a glaring inability or unwillingness to deal with the kids. Counselor said I was in denial and described the DB philosophy as something could pursue to make myself feel better, but that eventually I'd have to have to "face the fact that it's over."

Here's the funny part: he freaking then said that he was basing his opinions on his own experiences as a marriage counselor - that almost all of the couples with whom he worked split up. He asked me what I thought that meant.

My response: "That you suck as a marriage counselor and should stick to dealing with counseling kids."

I told him that my/our counselor, who holds a PhD, is published, and has a high success rate in getting couples to reconcile, is supporting my efforts (while also warning me about their being no guarantees).

I told the guy that I hope to hell that he didn't share his negative opinions with my kid. He said he didn't. The guy did have some valid points about how wife and I (and our friends) have to watch what we say and do more carefully when the kids may be in earshot (son repeated parts of conversations he had overheard from wife, OM, myself, and others). Son recounted episodes of wife and OM bickering (which kind of upends counselor's argument about me being the sole source of son's negative opinion of OM...).

The whole experience left me in a funk for the rest of the day. I had to keep doing the "though stopping" technique Michele discusses and also remind myself how flipping early we are in the whole process. Kids and I borrowed a DVD of "Eragon" from the library, popped popcorn, and had a great movie night (3-year-old fell asleep on me, all curled up). But once the kids were in bed, the sadness came back. I prayed (Hedge Prayer, Anglican prayer beads), read more from another cheesy SW book, and fell asleep... only to have a dream in which wife and I were at a party as a couple and she announced her adultery proudly while we were there.

Woke up in a funk, cleaned the house while the kids played, did sit-ups, and tried to change my mindset. I've got old college friends visiting from Virginia (making a swing through while visiting relatives). Since I've got the kids with me, it'll be easy to keep the conversation steered away from wife and our R.

Hopefully, today will be better. At least the weather is nicer.