Well, Mr. Hyde came out last night. I had spoken w/ D and told her goodnight and W then sent a text about today's pick-up time. We were thinking 10:30, but I asked for 11 so I could make sure not to be late as I'm scheduled to exercise this morning w/ my trainer at 9.
Well, that ticked off W. She first said "you have enough money to have a trainer and travel in March, May, August, and October, but you can't pay child support? Good to know. You'll get her at noon because it is obviously more important for you to lift than to spend more time w/ your daughter."
So I replied that if I couldn't get her at 11, I'd be there at 10:30 and all I was doing was asking her a question. I also asked her why she is always so angry w/ me and what needs to happen to get her anger to go away. She replied that she wasn't angry (in denial?) and that the pick-up is noon or not at all.
So, I did take the bait unfortunately and went back and forth w/ her on this telling her it isn't fair. She didn't budge and I did make sure not to defend myself. She kept denying she was angry or that she berated me at all and then it became clear to me this was about control for her, so I stopped.
I told her "You win. I don't want to fight and I never did. I'll see you at noon. Tell D I love her."
W replied that she wasn't trying to win b/c that was "my thing." So, I took the advice of my DB coach here and sent her a message we'd talked about sending. My coach said to wait until she pulled her "you never change" line of thinking and then send it along. Well, W was moving in this direction, so I sent it off.
I wrote W and told her first that she didn't have to respond, but I felt it was fair to tell her these things I've recently unearthed while in therapy. I explained to her that I've realized that I've treated others better than her and that I've yelled at her b/c I felt she'd "understand b/c we were married." I explained these were all complete BS and now that I see them and understand them, I'm working to make sure I don't treat my D like that either. I mentioned I will always have regret and be sorry for this.
I didn't hear back from W on this and I don't expect to. However, it is now out there and she knows it. My DB coach felt she needed to hear it from me b/c I've never said it to her. So, I just have to go w/ the theory that just because she didn't comment doesn't mean she didn't hear it or isn't being receptive to what I said.
I guess I needed to expect the backlash from her as things were too calm for too long. I should not have engaged her at all, but I was pretty upset. I wish I could have realized it was about control earlier and stopped things sooner.
So, that is where we are now. W is angry at me ant is twisting my words to make me seem like I'm a father who doesn't care about his daughter. If she can't get over the past and drop the anger, we're done. I can't see anything positive coming out of our relationship as long as she continues to remain angry and point fingers at me as the source of all that is wrong in her world.
You know what I think is quite possibly the craziest about all this is b/c I had my own personal demons to fight, I spent time in our relationship subconsciously doing things to undo our bond b/c I felt I didn't deserve to be loved. I figured this out through a lot of therapy, but now I'm wondering if W is doing the same type of thing.
See, she was uncovering some of her past garbage when she stopped therapy and headed down the D road. Now I'm wondering if part of her is trying to push me away b/c she doesn't feel like she deserves to have me back. That she doesn't feel like it is right for me to change and her not to do so. It sure seems to me at times that she's trying to make me give up on her.
So, the question is, should I fight harder then or am I a fool for continuing? Some days, I think the answer is a bit of both.
