"I have to remind myself that I don't have to be intimidated by this process. Anything that makes me insecure I can deal with. If I'm concerned about how the money has been spent, I can go through and give an accounting of it. Deal with facts, not emotions or intimidation. Spouse knows what rattles me. I will not succumb to feeling defenseless."
So.. What does this tell you?... you know me and answering my own questions... You need to prepare. Pick out the 2-3 most common things he might do to try and stir you up.. Think about them and get good and mad.. stir it up yourself.. walk thru what you both would say.. get those feelings to the surface.. then go do some "Constructive Deconstruction" get it all out before you have to play the game for real. Prepare your self for what could happen. If it doesn't.. you are that much better off.
"I've gone from being completely stuck to standing looking at a signpost with lots of direction arrows:"
I would rather not know where to go... than be stuck in the same place. Just having a choice is better than being stuck. Time.. will help you make the right choice on where to go.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Thanks for all the encouragement for the play. My daughter (who's 14th b'day it is today) has been in seventh heaven. The magic of the stage contrasts to the clamor and chaos backstage. I still run out to watch certain numbers.. one I hope to record and put on YouTube.
I guess dead ends and cheeseless tunnels are the same thing.. huh?
Forrest.. I'm going to practice what you suggest. My brother told me that spouse is treating me like an employee who's being fired. There ain't no way they're getting their job back, they're out.
Fourteen years ago at 7:35 PM was one of the most incredible moments of my life, our life. For once my labor didn't last days. Once admitted to the hospital I stayed in the shower refusing to come out unless pulled out by my doc. I never felt so beautiful as when I walked naked through the room with a belly the size of a prize winning pumpkin.
At one point when the doc (who'd delivered the other 2 kids) was tugging my hand, I stopped in mid step. Our pose resembled that of a very formal waltz about to commence as a major contraction froze me in place.
The birth itself was swift, only four people connecting... spouse, doc, me and the nurse who'd been there for our second child's birth. Cries of delight followed each mighty push.. "What a big head!" Push.. "What Big shoulders!" Pusssh.. "What a BIG torso!" PUSSSSHHH.. "What a BIG Baby!!".. all 10 1/2 pounds of her.
We were so happy. It was so wonderful, magical, incredible. It was like all the best New Year's Eve parties combined bursting forth in one. Just beautiful.
Last night, or rather earlier this morning, when my daughter was too wound up to sleep we were talking in my bed as she asked me about her birth. So poignant was the moment. Such a happy time now with a gloss of loss. Perhaps this divorce will be what forces me to write.. so I don't lose all my shared memories.
What is ickiest is accepting that it took two of us to get to this point. That he was done.
In my case.. I was pretty good and more than willing to accept the blame for our relationship until I heard the rumor about the girlfriend. So much of marriage parallels my relationship with my dad. Once I realized he still had sex with my mom AND did this crap to me, I was done. I was willing to be a sacrificial lamb until I realized it had no basis.
I literally said no in my mind, told him he would never touch me again.. and he never did. The fear stayed but the physical never returned.
I gotta get some of this mojo back. Instead of feeling hurt and defensive, I should stand tall and proud. I stayed in a marriage for all the right reasons. When a couple doesn't or won't work on rifts then sh*t happens.
Time to start walking and take off the "Imma Viktim" name tag.
