Trusting can you explain futher.. like I have to see the L in response to his petition-right? so even if we dont talk about it the D process, it is being done by the L Im not sure I want to fight him on D Maybe its better to do it..Its movement out of this mess for me I thinkI can finally start letting him really go all hope is fading..I need to go too Maybe its the only way H will know he made the right/wrong choice And if he made the right choiceor so he feels, he will not retuen anyway He can still come back I dont want things the same as they have been..maybe this will seperate us more he needs to move onif this is what he wants and he seems unwavering in his decision to NOT return I think he is done Thanks Glam peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
If you haven't already, you maybe should see a L just to know how the whole process works in your state.
You don't have to fight against the D (which would probably push your H towards it anyway), but you don't have to help him do it either (unless it is what you want).
You are right, he could still come back, but I think we need to live our life like they aren't coming back any time soon, if ever.
I really like the lighthouse analogy. We can have that light on and keep it shining, but they are so far out in the ocean being tossed and turned that we can't directly toss them a line and pull them towards us. We also can't see, because they are so far out there, exactly how they are being tossed and turned, if they have managed to right themselves, or even if they are or are not looking towards us. Sometimes we can't see them out there at all.
We have to keep our lighthouse snug and warm for us and our kids, and create/see/find our own happiness for us and our kids. Our day to day decisions and happiness don't have to have anything to do with our H's out to sea.
I know this is harder to do when we have to see their "shell" almost everyday for the kids sake. But we can do it. We can also make decisions for how to deal with that "shell" that is the most healthy for us and our kids.
Also, as hard as it is to type, there will come a day when we may need to move out of that lighthouse because they are truely lost at sea never to return. That decision is our own and so so hard to make, but I think we will know when.
Maybe I am trying to stretch this analogy way too far!
Maybe it is best not to assume anything about your h, his thoughts, his "doneness". You can't know right now.
Do what you need to do for you (and your kids). Create a life that is good for you and your kids in the present, with the flexibility to allow H into it in the future if that is what you want. A formal D shouldn't have anything to do with that.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I love what NG said above and I agree completely. Going through with the D may be something you have to do, but it doesn't have to mean the end for you and your H. It could be a new beginning for you, even if it's only a friendship and doesn't end up in M again.
You sound like you are dealing with this sitch relatively well. You've been given some great advice.
I agree to consult with a L and know how the process works. NG, that was great analogy with the lighthouse.
I think that as much as you love your husband, love him unconditionally. To do that let him go on as an individual to find what he needs. It is a hard thing to do.
You can go on with love in your heart and keep your dignity intact. He may or may not return to you, but you will be a better person for it.
Take care.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Hi peace- Once you are served, you have so many days to respond plus there is probably a court date on the calendar. You can't just ignore being served. What do the papers say? It would be a good idea for you to contact a L to see what your options are.
I love the lighthouse analogy. I am sure you have probably read this but I thought I would put it here for any newbies.
Originally Posted By: butterflymom
The Lighthouse
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life... yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get... you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now... but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul... and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
peace, I think you are on the right course moving on with your life but being open to possibilities. Keep your focus on your blessings...keep trying to be your H's friend as much as you can. Be the best mom you can be while enjoying your new business...mediatate and pray and you will find your clarity.
Peace, I am following the DB C's advice, which is to limit contact, make the contact that I do have pleasant, and to make it clear that I am moving along with my life.
At the same time, it is up to H to do all the work. If he doesn't move forward with his L, do nothing.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Oh, and Peace--you are doing the same things regardless of whether H responds or not.
With D, I look at it like a martial arts person. I'm not attacking. I'm deflecting. I just respond to what he does but I don't initiate anything, either.
I don't know if it is working or not.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Breton I dont understand..H has to do all the work like he filed i see my L tomorrow I had 20 days to respond Then dont the L do the work? what else does H have to do thanks peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
