NikB #27 (still tentatively Piecing)

[NikB]

OK rambly journaling.. this is more like the style of my "older" posts, going on and on and on.. but a different person I swear.

So I had a great day today... I can't even explain it but it was SO NICE to be with H and feeling (somewhat) secure as his W. Too funny.. when we married we didn't give the rings much importance. Mine is literally from eBay - liked the style, so we bought it. His is a cheapie ring from Sears. Being a mechanic I didn't think he'd be able to wear it much so I didn't buy him a nice one. Once he actually wore it, I planned to get him a nice one for our 5th anniversary - but that's when the bomb dropped.

Given that history it's weird how the ring thing makes me feel sooo much better. I think because of the significance HE has placed on it.

We've had our "good times" before but today seemed different - just felt like we'd finally let out that breath we've both been holding and it was going to be OK. I hope I'm not crazy and setting myself up again but it's just this feeling, I can barely explain it.

We went to a friend's 2-year-old's BD party. A lot of old friends there, people he avoided in the worst of things. Most of them don't even know about the sep, those that do were shocked at how "good" we seemed. So many 180's.. the biggest being that when everyone got in the pool I used to kinda hide out in the house, or a shady chair, or whatever. Partly self-conscious about my leg (and icky scars), partly about body image. Today - we got there, I changed into my swimsuit and (I am still shocked) wore it all day! I didn't get ALL the way in the water because it was F-R-E-E-Z-I-N-G but I got on the step, and had a few water fights from there with H.

They had these foam floatie "noodle" things in the pool - H has figured out those make awesome squirt guns if you fill them up and either sneakily dump the water on someone, or blow the water out from one side. So of course he kept squirting me. Old me would've been pissed. Today I kept laughing and figuring out ways to get him back.. and I kept thinking.. OMG, why did I let myself be so unhappy for so long??? Not dwelling, not at all!, but thinking "This is FUN, why would I have denied myself this before?"

At one point he had the foam floatie thing filled up with water, loaded and ready to shoot someone. All afternoon it was like a strategy game to see who could get who first.. it was really fun. I was "winning" at first but he later outsmarted me so he was happy too. At one point my big theory was when he went to dump the water on me I'd blow it back the other way onto him. Unfortunately I took a breath at the WAY wrong time - I was going for "deep breath right before it gets to me" and instead took a deep breath right as he was trying to dump the water on my head! So I almost inhaled about 1/2 gallon of water.. luckily it shot right down my throat and I ended up swallowing it. EWWWW... but I didn't inhale it at least! And I didn't get upset. Instead I laughed hysterically. Tells me that those changes, the commitment to make the best of things, have REALLY stuck. Felt so good.

I looked and H was really freaked out. I said "What? That was so funny! What's the matter?" He said "I could've drowned you!! Please cough, make sure there's no water in your lungs." I even said "Babe I'm laughing, obviously I can breath." and he said "I know, I know, but please cough just in case.. do we need to do something to get the water out of your lugns?" Interesting "switch" eh? I did end up inhaling some water... not much. The body's an impressive thing and thought the water was better off in my stomach, I guess. I coughed a bit but I'm fine now (will pay attention to it this week just to make sure though). It felt SO GOOD that he cared, he was way more worried than even *I* was.. and yet, not to the point of "oh great she's sick/hurt/etc" again. It's hard to explain... but it just felt good.

OK.. long rambly story.. but hey it's good to post some of those that are positive now and then, right??

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!