Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. A LOT has happened. Hang on to your hat!
Okay so Tuesday. . .date night. Overall I think things went well. I was heading down to meet him after he got off work and got stuck in traffic. I called to let him know I was going to be late getting to the restaurant and he offered to meet me in another spot so he could show me the back way. Anyways we meet up and take both cars to the restaurant and go inside. No physical contact or anything. A hello at best. Awkward! Anyways dinner is going fine. A little slow in conversation. I got frustrated because I felt like I was the driving force behind the conversation. I wanted him to do most of the talking but it was hard because he was not offering a lot of information and I had to keep asking questions to keep things moving along. It went well though I think. The bill came and we both paid our seperate tabs. I think he was expecting to pay for my dinner too but I already had my card out. I don't know. It was a date but not a date date.
We went outside and kinda stood around by the cars and I told him I didn't drive all the way there just for dinner and he was like well what else do you wanna do. He suggested a movie so we both went in my car and went up the street to see when the next showing was starting. We had about a half an hour to wait so he bought our tickets and we waited in the hallway for awhile and talked. Again a little awkward but getting better.
We went in and found some seats. It was kinda uncomfortable because we were so close and yet not together if that makes any sense. All through the movie we were trying to get comfortable. Our legs were touching on one side but that could have been friend classified. Eventually he laid his arm over the side to rest on my leg and I (out of habit) started to rub his wrist. He didn't pull back. I got butterflies. . .
Through the movie we kept increasing the physical connection and eventually ended up holding hands in his lap. I was so excited but at the same time I didn't want to show it and risk spooking him.
After the movie we went outside and we went to my car to "figure out what to do next." He got in the car and we ended up just sitting and talking for a long time. It was pretty late by this time and so there was nowhere else to really go and it was getting cold outside. The conversation was going better until the topic of flirting got brought up. Ugh. I won't even go into it right now but it started a mini-argument. However I stated my case and then told him I was going to drop it and move on and not let it ruin the evening. He seemed surprised but I did. Shut my mouth and kept it that way. We continued talking and eventually the conversation wound itself to sex. . .he mentioned that he wanted to. I said "you haven't even tried to kiss me" he shrugged but in a blur we were suddenly all over each other. As I said in my last post. . .this was not our area of concern when we were dating. If nothing else it the glue that held us together.
We stopped messing around after awhile and both expressed frustration that we had nowhere to go to finish what we started. I'm staying with my parents and well let's just not go there. Too complicated and awkward. He is sleeping on a couch at a friends family's house so that also a no go. I made the comment "it's funny how we separated to get away from each other and now we are looking for a place to go to be together again" he smiled. Good sign? Who knows.
Needless to say we found a way and had a very passionate exchange that was beyond words. Stupidly my brain switched back into "ILY" mode and it was all I could do to not blurt it out. I was a good LRTer though and kept my mouth shut.
And it's a good thing because all hell broke loose about ten minutes afterwards. It was not 1:30 in the morning and we both had work the next morning so we pulled ourselves together and got ready to leave. And when I went to say goodbye I expected (dangerous) a kiss and a hug and a smile. I was not looking for an ILY or a "take me back." However he pulled away completly and was very stormy all of a sudden. I was like WTF? We just ML and then you pull away and won't even give me a kiss? We argued a little about it. He told me that he didn't want this used against him and I asked him what he meant. Bottom line he was saying that he didn't want me to read too much into it. I told him not to treat me like a booty call and then drove away.
Oy vey.
So since then it has been a rollarcoaster. The next day he is acting flirty through texts and when I ask him if he wants to get together again he says he is having a bad day and that it was not a good time to ask. He did say that he had a good time until the end though. Not that we argued but that things were left in an awkward way. "I had a decent time until the end" I agreed and said we would need to talk about the subject before the next time. He agreed. I think he doesn't want to admit to having a good time because he is scared of getting back together.
Anyways the next day we talk and he is pulling away I get upset and we talk on the phone for awhile. I was trying to get everything sorted out before my counseling session so I could explain what happened to my T. He couldn't talk long and I got more upset. Later on I texted him and asked if he was mad at me. He said no. I told him I was sorry for getting so upset. He said he he forgave me and that it was okay. We flirted a little back and forth (which I find interesting that he was texting me all night when he was with his friends. Normally he is like "leave me alone")
Then yesterday the rollarcoaster flew back down again. I was talking about my b-day plans (Monday) and was kind of hinting around that I had room in my day for him if he was interested. He said we could hang out if I would pick the activities I said fine. He said ok. . .if we get together. I asked him when he would let me know and he said soon. Whatever that means. I asked him later and he said "don't push it". I said "I'm not trying to push you. It's my birthday and I am going to go out and have fun with or without you. I would rather be with you though." Which I thought was very GAL of me. He said "what would people think" and I said "who cares? Since when do you care about what other people think?" he said "I don't know" I said " we can be alone and have fun but I need to know soon so I can make other plans" he said "if you have other plans don't hesitate" So I made my other plans (I'm getting my first tattoo) and told him I wasn't going to bug him anymore about it. He said he would be more inclined to get together if his counseling was on the same day but he had not heard back from out T yet. So who knows.
This morning I made my other plans with friends and then texted him to let him know that I could hang out in the early evening and that I wanted to go to dinner and then play mini golf or something goofy and fun like that. To which he has yet to reply. . .
Oh! In the midst of all this madness I also had my one on one session with my therapist and we talked about our background and what I need to see change. Blah blah blah. The T agrees that the things I am asking for in the relationship are not unreasonable but that my husband was never raised following these rules and has no idea what to so. So while he says there is hope and that he will do everything he can to help us get back together the ball in firmly planted in my husbands court. . .
So now I am stuck again.
Some days (like the last three!) I feel like I am going crazy. I was doing fine on my own until I saw my husband again at counseling and then for our date. We have been talking so much (which is good) but I was nice and detached (at least compared to this) and now my whole world has been flipped upside down again and I feel my sanity slowly slipping away.
I'm back in the mindset of "damn I love him" and yet "I hate him for doing this to me" all at the same time. Seeing him and touching him and ML with him is too much for my fragile little heart right now. It makes me feel desperate again and depressed a little. Like "I don't want to move on with my life until I have him" one minute and the next "screw him! Protect yourself" the next.
I feel vulnerable and scared and I have this compulsion to text him and call him 24 hours a day. I have been resisting thus far (while I wait for his reply) but it's so hard! Not like I have anything productive to say. I just want to hear his voice and know he is thinking about me if only for that brief moment
Hold the phone! He just texted me. He says we can meet for dinner and whatever on Monday. . .
