I had a similar situation to BFM. When I confronted H about OW he told me. I asked him if anyone else knew and he said no. I told him he best tell people the reason he left his family or I was going to do it for him.
H immediately told his parents. As friends found out we were S and asked what happened I would answer "H has met someone else..."
H also lost his job because ow was an subordinate. I never confronted ow..she was not worth my time. H got enough grief from his friends and family. No one ever met her because he knew how they all felt and I guess wanted to avoid the embarrassment.
This worked for me and H and I also reconciled. I followed some DB like GAL but other parts did not work for me. I was always matter of fact with H and anyone else who asked me questions about our pending D.
I began living by the motto "it is what it is..." I could not change him and I was changing me!
At this point, I'm thinking of writing out what I would say to H---saying that I know, and that it doesn't matter, but I've known for a long time. I will not ask for confirmation from him, but just explain where I am and how I feel about it all. After I get the letter just right I will keep it until I have the opportunity to read it to him in person. I'm hoping that if I read it, I will be able to stay focused and not get too very emotional. I will also be able to get everything said that I want to. I may even post it here to get input.
FW---I would like to know what you were thinking and going through----how important you think denying the OW is at this point and how it feels to be "outed." I think I've been to the other site before, but I can't seem to find it now. I know with all the rules about posts these days you may not be able to give me more than 40/60----but if there is a way, I need help finding it.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
First - DO NOT READ IT TO HIM. Give it to him to read. You will get interrupted, you will not be able to stay focused and you will get side-tracked.
FWIW, I denied until BFM had concrete proof, then I came completely clean (and moved out that day). How did it feel to be outed? In one way, it was a relief. In another, my world was changed forever and started spinning completely out of control...
Google fortysixty. No hyphen, no slash, no space between the words. Top link. Hit the 'Our forums' button on the left.
FW
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller
FWIW, In reality, the proof I had wasn't really "concrete" and from what I have read and heard many guys will still deny deny deny even in the face of such proof (mine was an email string between the two of them). Many guys will even deny if you have pictures of them kissing OW, hugging OW etc. I've heard many horror stories. From what I've read and heard most guys will deny for as long as possible so expect it.
FW came clean pretty easily I thought.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Many guys will even deny if you have pictures of them kissing OW, hugging OW etc. I've heard many horror stories.
Just wanted to pop in and say my H did this. He always said OW was just one of the guys and they were just friends...then I saw pics of them kissing...his story changed and he said they had only kissed, and NOTHING else. Finally admitted to everything else after my badgering about 3 months after that.
Well, I'm not sure this is perfect, and I'm sure there is too much "fluff," but the following is my letter to H (let the edits begin):
This is a very difficult letter to write. I have agonized over the right thing to do for months, I have attempted to get you to talk to me, but have failed, and I keep coming back to the need to write this. I know that at this point I take the risk of pushing you away forever, but I know if there is a possibility of having a future together, I have to write this letter.
I know that our relationship has never been perfect. I know that we are both to blame for that. I have been willing to take more than my share of the blame, because I know that I have a lot of deficiencies when it comes to communication, and I have made a lot of mistakes. Despite not being perfect, I have always loved you. The love that I feel in my heart, is the kind of love that is so deep a part of me that I have felt that you were a part of me. I have failed to express my love in many ways. I have failed at making you understand or appreciate my love for you. For that I am sorry.
I know that you have always had a problem with being honest with me. I know that you have always felt it easier to stretch the truth, "round up," or tell me something different from the truth to either make me happy, protect my feelings, or spare yourself from my reaction. I will take some of the blame for that as well. I know that I have a history of over-reacting; being overly critical; and speak before I think. Unfortunately, when the truth surfaces it hurts much more than learning the truth in the beginning.
I know that my approach two years ago was wrong. I know that I blind-sided you with an accusation. I know that I was angry and critical, and betrayed your trust by looking into your cell phone records. But, even though I know my approach was wrong, I know in my heart that what I believed to be true was true. I spent many months questioning why or how THIS could happen. I blamed myself for everything, because after all, you were the one that didn't want US, and that had to be because of me. You also did your part by pointing out all of the things that I have done wrong or handled wrong for the last 20 years. You singled out some very bad times that we had, without recognizing the good times.
I have done a lot of self examination over the last two years, and identified a lot of faults that I have. I have come to an understanding about what is important to me. I know that I have to be happy with myself, and that is my priority at this point. I also know that there is nothing more important than our children and their happiness will always come first.
I don't know how inolved you were with OW when I made that accusation two years ago, but I know there was something there. I felt the break in our connection, and I felt you gradually but steadily pulling away from me. You can continue to deny it. You can continue to avoid the fact that we are HERE in part because of your feelings for her, but you need to know that I KNOW. I have let you re-write our history. I have let you blame THIS on you being miserable in our marriage for years, I have let you tell me that you just don't love me anymore, you don't have what it takes, or you just don't want to work on US. I have allowed you to make me doubt the last 29 years of my life, but I will not do that anymore. I have known for a long time. In some way, in my gut, I think I knew when you denied it 2 years ago. I know that THIS is not just about US.
I told myself from the beginning that if something like this would ever happen to me I would be walking out the door in a minute. Even two years ago, I told myself that if I found out that I was right, I would be out the door, with our kids, and spare no efforts to make things difficult for you. That was before I had this time to think, to examine the depth of my feelings for you, and to appreciate how important it is to keep our family together.
I can only imagine the conflicting feelings that you must have. I know there is no way I can understand them. I am confident that you have turned our marriage into much less than what it was in order to justify your feelings for OW. I am confident that all of the bad things have multiplied in your mind to the point that you don't remember the good. I also know that the way I have dealt with this, and with all of the emotion involved, I have become a less attractive choice. I can only hope that there is a small part of you that continues to love me. I know that only you can make the choice on what you want for your future, and that you cannot return to me out of guilt or obligation.
I know that she has recently divorced her husband. I know that she has two children of her own to raise. I suspect that you are feeling pressure from her at this point. I can't imagine that what you could have with her could be stronger than what we have had, the family that we have created, and all that we have accomplished together. It is hard for me to imagine that you can find a person you are willing to change your whole life for ---- as a result of taking an extra job to support your family. It's hard to imagine that the one person you could change your life for just so happened to be working at XXXX. I am deeply saddened that you were able to turn to someone else during what was probably the hardest test of our marriage and a very difficult time in my life, and I can only imagine how you got to that point. As I have said for months, this is not you.
I am writing this letter because I know if we can ever have a future together, you will need to be honest with me. If we are ever to have a future together you will need to return to me in an attempt to reconnect and re-establish your feelings for me. I am writing this letter to let you know that I am here, that I know the issues you are faced with, and if and when you are ready, I am willing to do the work to put us and our family back together. You have said that you don't think what we could achieve would be worth the effort, but by saying that you are selling us short. You are overlooking what we have already overcome and accomplished. You are underestimating the value of saving our family. You are ignoring the feelings that I know you still have for me, and you are avoiding and denying the feelings I have for you.
I have had problems dealing with scheduling time with the kids for a lot of reasons, knowing and avoiding the need to write this letter was one of them. I will not change my attitude where the kids are concerned----they need us both, and I will work to find a schedule that will work for us both, but I will continue to ask for understanding and compassion for what this is doing to me. I do not intend to broadcast to the world what I know, and haven't, with respect for our children.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Good letter but I agree with NNP, don't give it to him! You know that I am divorced, I wrote my H a letter & gave it to him. I didn't ask him to come back to me, I did tell him if he would stop his R with OW & us get C that our M could be better than ever. I also told him in the letter that with much regret I was letting him go. I had to let my lawyer read that letter. He wanted to make sure that I didn't put anything in there blaming myself for the break up. So, if it gets legal in your sitch (I hope it doesn't), but you will only be hurting yourself legally.
I think it was good for you to write the letter for you but I wouldn't give it to him.
