In retrospect, I should have called the whole thing off cause I'm sick with a cold. And probably PMSing to boot. BAAAD combo.
So, he comes over and I THOUGHT I was feeling OK. I'm dressed a bit sexy in my "sick lounging outfit" of shorts and tank top. At one point he called me "beautiful," so I think he noticed. I did all this research yesterday so I think I'm all prepared, I thought it would be all business, but I was wrong.
So, we start talking and I tell him that I found out (yesterday) that our particular insurance company won't cover me as a spouse even if we are only legally S (cheap b*stards).
So, I said I thought our options were to create a separation agreement that we would not file but would be a legally binding contract (my preference), or we would D and he would pay COBRA payments that would be twice as much or more (not my preference, I wouldn't think his either).
He said something to the effect of, flippantly, "Well, we could either do COBRA or you could go without insurance..."
!!!
This was too much for me, I wasn't prepared for him to be so heartless, and so I start getting upset, and trying to DB at the same time by saying things like, "please don't say things like that to me." And then I have to keep walking out of the room to hide my tears, but it's just not working. It might have actually been funny to an outside observer, switching back from DBing and breaking down and back again so quickly. It would be kind of slapstick if it weren't so damn painful.
So, I tell him that I want to go to IC. I've been to the doctor twice recently for stress-related symptoms--all of this directly related to our situation. How can I do that without insurance?! So, after I am upset, and try to DB, and then am upset some more, he's like, "Fine, I didn't realize that insurance was that big of a deal, I mean if I didn't have it through work, I probably wouldn't pay for it."
I know that's true, because he did go through a time of having no insurance after he graduated school. But insurance is just something I consider kind of essential. Plus, he was implying, "let's just do the D," which is not what I want.
So, we kept trying to talk about this stuff for another hour or so (we just should have stopped waaaay before), but kept getting off track and fighting because both of our emotions were so keyed up. Finally, I said something to him in an exasperated voice, and he just blew up and walked out, saying, "THIS is why I left!"
So, I text him that I am sorry. Then I walk out to the store to buy myself a bottle of wine (yes, I needed it at this point), he's sitting in his car around the corner. I actually think he was waiting for me. I stop by and get in.
I say I'm sorry and we talk a bit, and then I just tell him how hard this is because I just don't want it. And he says, "I just think that I can't be married to anyone." And I ask why, and he says, "I just have too many insecurities and issues that I can't burden another person with, plus you add on the expectations of having children and building a house (which were our dreams, that he felt he couldn't reach) and it just becomes impossible for me."
And I said, "but I don't care about that. I just want you." And he says, really incredulously, "Why?!" And I said, "Because I love you. Because I've been walking around feeling like part of me has died for the last four months." I wanted to say, "Because you're my soulmate," but I just didn't have the guts.
He was silent, and I didn't dare look at him. So, I said, fine, I'll let you go, and I got out of the car.
So, hit me with your 2x4's guys, I deserve it.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
