Separated 3 Months & Counting...

[iamlost]

when you didnt agree with the legal stuff did you say it matter-of-factly? i wonder if he wanted to fight so he said it and then you reacted well and he didnt get that reaction so he did it himself?

I did say it matter of factly, but at some points during our talk, I was fighting tears a little bit. I never cried, though, not once. When my voice caught, he perceived weakness and made fun of me a little bit. Not in a horrible way, just a little cruel.

I think that me fighting him, reacting to him, was part of our pattern, and it shocked him that I wouldn't put up with anything and walked away and was calm. Plus, it made him show his cards--he was jealous about whoever I was e-mailing.

[JWS]

Wow you really kicked butt, remind me never to mess with you!! Sorry that he got a little cruel but it is great that you have learned to handle yourself in a manner that allows you to keep all the power and not be hurtful back. I am glad that you stood your ground. Now you can go into Friday’s meeting stronger knowing that you are able to act exactly the way you want to and not just be reactive to him.
Congrats!!

[pisces9]

good for you- yucky...sorry he was cruel..not nice..but again- just a reaction.

im proud you

[JCJ]

You stepped out of the situation and it changed/ improved. You didn't play the game. Great job! Great DBing!!

H proposed to me in SF, we had a great time there, I loved it. We tandem cycled all over the city it was great fun.

[TwinDad]

Iamlost,

That is what I like to see, try something, see how it works, and then change as needed. You did excellent. Evaluating and changing your tact is soooo important. Too many people say stuff like "I am going dark" and then stay with it to a flaw. Having that kind of effect is very empowering....isn't it. For me it is a real confidence builder....it tells me, I can do this on my own.

Go do something nice for yourself today....you earned it!

[JWS]

Hey there Ninja,

When is the meeting today and how are you feeling about it??? I hope that you have some great plans for the weekend, if not try and create some before the meeting so that no matter what you have good things going on regardless of him. You did so well last time. Keep it up and I am sure today will be the same. We are all proud of you!!!

((((Lost))))

[iamlost]

Hi all!! Thanks so much, as always, for your support and encouragement. It really, really helps.

The meeting with my H has been moved to tomorrow, but I've been gathering info so I'm prepared for it. I'll post more about my sitch tomorrow when something actually happens.

I have fun plans for the weekend, well--meet H (hope that will be fun!), going to a concert with some friends, dinner with another friend. Plus, I plan on being creative, and running/working out this weekend, too. Hopefully squeeze some meditation in as well.

I'm kind of tired just thinking about doing all that. Must need s'more coffee...

[iamlost]

Well, THAT didn't go well.

In retrospect, I should have called the whole thing off cause I'm sick with a cold. And probably PMSing to boot. BAAAD combo.

So, he comes over and I THOUGHT I was feeling OK. I'm dressed a bit sexy in my "sick lounging outfit" of shorts and tank top. At one point he called me "beautiful," so I think he noticed. I did all this research yesterday so I think I'm all prepared, I thought it would be all business, but I was wrong.

So, we start talking and I tell him that I found out (yesterday) that our particular insurance company won't cover me as a spouse even if we are only legally S (cheap b*stards).

So, I said I thought our options were to create a separation agreement that we would not file but would be a legally binding contract (my preference), or we would D and he would pay COBRA payments that would be twice as much or more (not my preference, I wouldn't think his either).

He said something to the effect of, flippantly, "Well, we could either do COBRA or you could go without insurance..."

!!!

This was too much for me, I wasn't prepared for him to be so heartless, and so I start getting upset, and trying to DB at the same time by saying things like, "please don't say things like that to me." And then I have to keep walking out of the room to hide my tears, but it's just not working. It might have actually been funny to an outside observer, switching back from DBing and breaking down and back again so quickly. It would be kind of slapstick if it weren't so damn painful.

So, I tell him that I want to go to IC. I've been to the doctor twice recently for stress-related symptoms--all of this directly related to our situation. How can I do that without insurance?! So, after I am upset, and try to DB, and then am upset some more, he's like, "Fine, I didn't realize that insurance was that big of a deal, I mean if I didn't have it through work, I probably wouldn't pay for it."

I know that's true, because he did go through a time of having no insurance after he graduated school. But insurance is just something I consider kind of essential. Plus, he was implying, "let's just do the D," which is not what I want.

So, we kept trying to talk about this stuff for another hour or so (we just should have stopped waaaay before), but kept getting off track and fighting because both of our emotions were so keyed up. Finally, I said something to him in an exasperated voice, and he just blew up and walked out, saying, "THIS is why I left!"

So, I text him that I am sorry. Then I walk out to the store to buy myself a bottle of wine (yes, I needed it at this point), he's sitting in his car around the corner. I actually think he was waiting for me. I stop by and get in.

I say I'm sorry and we talk a bit, and then I just tell him how hard this is because I just don't want it. And he says, "I just think that I can't be married to anyone." And I ask why, and he says, "I just have too many insecurities and issues that I can't burden another person with, plus you add on the expectations of having children and building a house (which were our dreams, that he felt he couldn't reach) and it just becomes impossible for me."

And I said, "but I don't care about that. I just want you." And he says, really incredulously, "Why?!" And I said, "Because I love you. Because I've been walking around feeling like part of me has died for the last four months." I wanted to say, "Because you're my soulmate," but I just didn't have the guts.

He was silent, and I didn't dare look at him. So, I said, fine, I'll let you go, and I got out of the car.

So, hit me with your 2x4's guys, I deserve it.

[pisces9]

((((Lost))))
no 2x4's...and actually overall it wen well at the end...you know what didnt work...crying and the fighting...he asked WHY you wanted him and you told him which i think was very good for him to hear...you let him know despite the kid issue or house issue that you still loved him...clearly he is very insecure about himself and feels he is not worth loving...this is a sign of depression...so you telling him how much you love him is OK for him to hear...just dont say it anymore....

he is on a journey right now of self discovery...the love you show him and the more patience he will be able to see what he is missing.

also- HE clearly doesnt want this...he was amped up too from this discussion...let him initiate all talk about separating from now on....and him saying you could go without insurance is just another set of "words"..

do not believe anything he says and 1/2 if what he does.

i have seen some posts here where the spouse says they want out one day and say they want to come home the next...

just learn from this- do not see him when sick and pms'ing

[iamlost]

Thanks, P. You are so sweet and have a big heart. : ) Yes, this was a learning experience. I've figured out through being on this board that H and I had/have? a very tumultuous relationship, and it's not healthy.

And now I realize that I'm the only one that can change that--because he IS depressed and pretty angry, and in self-destruct mode. Sometimes the only tool that I have is my love for him and I'm not sure that's enough.