Hello Everyone; I'm hoping some of the WAW's might be able to shed some light on my situation? My wife dropped the bomb on me on 5/20 after we have been married for 3 1/2 years with a 2 1/2 year old son. She is only 23 (almost) and has never really known anyone but be from a relationship standpoint.
Shortly before dropping the bomb, she did meet a new guy. She's seeing him now while we are separated. She doesn't seem to care about me at all anymore and is seriously distancing herself from me. Today, she changed her relationship status on her facebook page to "it's complicated."
She told me that she had been emotionally disconnected from me for a while. When I complained about the OR she said that "I have feelings too." My question is, how do WAW's justify the OR when they are just separated? Do they even think about their H emotions anymore or what affect this is having on their children? I just don't get why she has jumped back into another relationship so quickly.
Thanks in advance for any feedback!
RP
M 37 W 23 Together 5 years M 3 years S 2 1/2 years old Bomb Dropped: 5/20/08 Separated: 6/8/08
Similar sitch as you but 11 years. My wife met a guy 4 days before dropping bomb and slept with him about 3 month later.
My views
They are already completely checked out of your relationship (hard to grasp i know) when they meet OM and may have been for a while. It's like you meeting someone say a year after you left your w for example
OM is probably a trigger for something she has wanted to do for a while
OM is new exciting and has the promise of happiness which she wasn't getting in your R.
They do think about H emotions but are at a stage where they think about themselves a whole heap more.
They don't have to justify anything - they are WAW 's pretty much confused, in pain, and probably looking for any port in a storm.
sorry you are here mate - worse place on earth. Read the DR and alot of forums ask a lot questions and get as much info as you can. It's not over - just a big speed bump - hang in there and good luck
Thanks Everhope....I think I might have screwed up big time this weekend though. She came to pick up our son on Saturday and things were going okay. Then I asked to confirm that she could watch our son on Tues/Thurs nights this next week like she told me she could. She said she couldn't on Thurs because she was going back to the town where OM lives (he plays softball on Thurs nights). I told her that she had told me she could watch him though. She then said "I'm not his babysitter, I'm his mom." That sent me over the edge and I let loose on her. I told her that our son wasn't her #1 priority and that she cared about OM and herself more than our son. These are all true things that I have been feeling and probably would have come out sooner than later but unfortunately I did it in front of our son. That's the part that I feel terrible about.
We did calm down and rationally talk about somethings. She told me (for the first time) that she felt ignored by me after our son was born. Well hello....if I would have known that I would have attempted to fix things. In her mind, nothing we could have done together would have made things work.
So after yesterday her mind is even more made up. Right now, based on others close to her that I've talked with, the only one supporting her right now is OM. That's gotta be hard on her. I don't know if she will ever come around or not.
In the mean time, I guess I have to apologize and try and make it up to her. I don't know what that will look like or what I will do but I have to try. I know that I don't want to bring up any R or D talks at all. Let her lead the way in that regard.
M 37 W 23 Together 5 years M 3 years S 2 1/2 years old Bomb Dropped: 5/20/08 Separated: 6/8/08
Somehow hold onto it. Apologise sincerely - always you "I"in the conversation as opposed to "you" - lilke "I am feeling angry" not "you made me angry" Keeps the tention down
At least she is now giving you reasons why she walked.
Think of how you can show her somehow that she is not being ignored anymore. No idea how.
Try your best to let things play out.
I'm doing the same - spent all morning having conversations in my head re my W and her behaviour. Got to resist all the time popping down the road and having a R talk.
you may want to start with my earlier posts. It may lead to some insight into how your W is feeling.
Everhope is right, women have checked out emotionally a very long time before they meet an OM. They just haven't left physically yet. A lot of women work on the ship life boat system. Never jump ship, until you have a life boat. I'm not speaking financially, I'm talking emotional support.
take care, read a lot, & hang in there.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
rpierson10, I agree with what smartcookie says. In my case, I had built an emotional wall around my heart for years that I was determined I would not let H through. Did I still love him? Absolutely. Would I have left him if OM had not reciprocated the inappropriate feelings I had for him? Absolutely not. So in a way, smartcookie is right on the money when she refers to the "ship life boat system." What most of us WAWs experience emotionally is a big confusing mess. I still love my H and I still worry about him and I still think he is a good man. But I also know that for whatever reason he couldn't give me what I needed from him even though I asked it of him hundreds of times over the years. The hurt runs deep and when it runs deep, yes, a WAW does try to distance herself emotionally from H - but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are completely immune to H's feelings. It's just that at this point in life, we are trying our damnedest to find the happiness that has eluded us for so long and perhaps that makes us seem selfish. After all, women are supposed to be givers, right?
In my case, I know that H is the one that I love but right now, OM is the one who is providing me with what H couldn't (wouldn't?) throughout our years together so that makes things very confusing for a WAW.
Just my 2 cents worth...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Hi, I have to say amen to what the women have told you. I have been married to the same man for over 42 years, so I will have to think back to when I was about the age of your wife. I remember begging my H to "talk" to me b/c that was what I needed at the end of the day. We had no friends and never went anywhere except to his mother's house and see his relatives. I had a small child like you do. My H never talked. He didn't talk about his day, nor he didn't talk about people, nor he didn't talk about us. He didn't talk! Well, that was my LL--was intimate, meaningful conversation! So, I went for a long time without any of that. So, I remember the first public part-time job I got through the Christmas season......and I developed a crush on a married man. Thank goodness, the job nor the crush lasted very long. I even told my H about the crush, thinking it would wake him up....but it didn't change things. The fact of the matter was that he simply did not know how to give me what I needed emotionally. So, I finally left him for all of one week. During that week, our baby got very sick and I was told it was God punishing me for leaving my H and was guilt ridden into going back to him. So, I stayed with him all these years. However, he still never gave me what I needed emotionally. I tried to fill my life with other things to take up the void I felt. Then I started having physical problems that prevented me from doing the things I always had been able to do and was basically shut down in the evenings after work. Plus, I had become so bored and so lonely (which is too long of a story to get into), but I became involved in a EA with a man on-line. Yeah, I know, sounds gross, doesn't it? But, no matter what age you are, you still have emotional needs that you want to have met.
So, the point I am tring to make here is this......I believe as long as a woman's emotional needs are being met by the man she loves....she will not leave him (unless he is preverted, abusive, or something like that).
If you have ever studied the arthor of marriage builders, you will learn that as long as we make more love deposits in our S's love bank, than we make withdrawals, then we are okay. But, when we start withdrawing from the love bank without ever depositing anything....it will eventually run dry. Makes sense, doesn't it? So, maybe you have done that, or maybe you haven't met her emotional needs. Do you know what her emotional need is? In other words, do you know what her love language is? So many H's don't know. I tried to tell my H for years, but it was like he didn't hear me. Finally, so much distance had grown between us that he didn't even realize I was having an EA with another man for a while.
I don't mean to blame everyone's problems on depression, but she could very well be depressed and trying to figure out what it is she needs to make her happy. I went through that too. I was depressed a long time after my first baby was born. I didn't realize a woman could have it for years. Her hormones could be out of whack or any number of things like that. Not trying to defend what she has done, just throwing thoughts out there.
Well, you know your W is having an A. So, have you read the DB book by Michelle? If not....that is top priority! Get it ASAP! That is your best bet in saving your M. While you are waiting.....read everything you can here on the boards.
Good luck to you. Keep reading and posting. The more you do, the more response you will get.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I sincerely appreciate everyone's responses to my questions. You can't imagine how much it means to me to read these! It really helps me make sense of what's going on. A few new developments I would like to get your thoughts on though:
First, my wife, her mom, and my son went on a trip to see her granparents last weekend. They were away Sunday, Monday, and got back Tuesday. I picked up my son Tuesday afternoon and spent a great evening with him. We had just gotten home with a fast food dinner when I get a text from my wife asking how our son was (to preface this, she is much better at texting sometimes than calling). We texted back and forth for a bit and then she asked if she could come over and help put him to bed. Of course I said "okay". She got over and spent probably over 2 hours here, with only 1/2 hour being with our son awake.
I know that her mom can drive her nuts and that's who she is staying with right now. So I don't know if her coming over to our house is just an escape for her or not. Another note, the house that I am living in with my son is the one that we originally brought him home to when he was first born. So it's not like it's a brand new house.
Before she left that night I told her she could come over whenever. I don't know if that's a good or bad idea. My son and I went camping on Wednesday and I get a text that afternoon from my wife saying that she is at the house doing laundry. She said she was feeling blue but didn't know why but needed some alone time. It eventually started raining so my son and I bailed on the camping trip and came home and saw my wife again for close to 2 hours.
I did let her know that my son and I both really enjoyed having her around those 2 nights. She said she enjoyed it too. I'm not for sure exactly what that means. Because Thursday she came over, had lunch, and then left to go stay with her best friend and see the OM.
Today when she came over to pick him up she was a bit standoffish. But that's par for the course when she gets back from seeing the OM.
With all this being said, I know that in the past I definitely didn't meet her emotional needs. That's why she felt like she had to reach out to someone else. I totally understand that. But my question is, with her thinking seriously of a D, how do I show her that I can meet her emotional needs?
I'm reading DB right now and getting into the thick of it so hopefully that will help! Thanks again everyone!
M 37 W 23 Together 5 years M 3 years S 2 1/2 years old Bomb Dropped: 5/20/08 Separated: 6/8/08
I wish I had some valuable advice for you here in reply to your question, but the reality is that it sounds like you're doing all you can at this time. I am in exactly the same position as your wife, it sounds like, and I don't envy her one bit because I know what she is going through. When you mention her being a bit standoffish after seeing OM, I also can relate. What's probably going on in your wife's head (or at least, this is what's going on in my head) is that she still loves you and feels guilt after being with OM. That guilt can stem from various reasons: she enjoyed herself/had a good time with OM and knows what a betrayal it is to you; she knows that she still loves you and wonders how she can do what she is doing to you; she is trying to withdraw from you and her feelings for you so that she can devote herself to OM. These are just a few things that run through my head every time I am with my husband.
A WAW who is involved with OM is an absolute mess of confusion. Every day I know that I still love my husband, but there are days when I feel like I absolutely want to return home and there are days when I am absolutely certain I don't belong there anymore. Sometimes I feel like OM is the one I should be with but then I begin to wonder about all the ways that he is different from my husband and if I can live with those differences.
I hate to say that the only thing you can really do at this point is to just have patience. My H and I filed for divorce 6 weeks ago, both certain that it was the only option for us. One week ago we put the D on hold and are going to our first MC session next Friday. While I don't know exactly what I hope to achieve by doing all this, I have come to the conclusion that even though I'm not behaving like an obedient wife, a wife is exactly what I am and I owe it to my husband to at least give MC a try. As long as I still have love for him (even if, at this point, it probably isn't the love a wife should have for her husband) I have to try to fix the mess I've created - in one way or another.
Hang in there. Continue to support your wife's emotional needs as best as you can. I would recommend giving her the space that she needs, don't crowd her, don't pressure her by asking her questions about your R, her R with OM, or what she plans on doing about your M and/or D. Eventually she will come to a decision - it may not be the one you are hoping for, but it will be a decision nonetheless. And at this point, resolution is all that you (and the rest of us, for that matter) can hope for.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
