WAW and OM

[lost3031]

I wish I had some valuable advice for you here in reply to your question, but the reality is that it sounds like you're doing all you can at this time. I am in exactly the same position as your wife, it sounds like, and I don't envy her one bit because I know what she is going through. When you mention her being a bit standoffish after seeing OM, I also can relate. What's probably going on in your wife's head (or at least, this is what's going on in my head) is that she still loves you and feels guilt after being with OM. That guilt can stem from various reasons: she enjoyed herself/had a good time with OM and knows what a betrayal it is to you; she knows that she still loves you and wonders how she can do what she is doing to you; she is trying to withdraw from you and her feelings for you so that she can devote herself to OM. These are just a few things that run through my head every time I am with my husband.

A WAW who is involved with OM is an absolute mess of confusion. Every day I know that I still love my husband, but there are days when I feel like I absolutely want to return home and there are days when I am absolutely certain I don't belong there anymore. Sometimes I feel like OM is the one I should be with but then I begin to wonder about all the ways that he is different from my husband and if I can live with those differences.

I hate to say that the only thing you can really do at this point is to just have patience. My H and I filed for divorce 6 weeks ago, both certain that it was the only option for us. One week ago we put the D on hold and are going to our first MC session next Friday. While I don't know exactly what I hope to achieve by doing all this, I have come to the conclusion that even though I'm not behaving like an obedient wife, a wife is exactly what I am and I owe it to my husband to at least give MC a try. As long as I still have love for him (even if, at this point, it probably isn't the love a wife should have for her husband) I have to try to fix the mess I've created - in one way or another.

Hang in there. Continue to support your wife's emotional needs as best as you can. I would recommend giving her the space that she needs, don't crowd her, don't pressure her by asking her questions about your R, her R with OM, or what she plans on doing about your M and/or D. Eventually she will come to a decision - it may not be the one you are hoping for, but it will be a decision nonetheless. And at this point, resolution is all that you (and the rest of us, for that matter) can hope for.