Hi, I'm back and I'm sure this will lock your thread up and you will get to start another one. Don't you love it?
I have spent the last two hours going over a few notes I had in a book and it made me think of something, so I go back to score one of your stitch (wheee) and start reading all over again. I went through it rather quickly the first time, so now I'm wondering if I missed something. Anyway, I'll bring it up in a minute. But, if you will please be patient with me, I would like to show some quotes that I copies and pasted and added a few words of my own (you knew I couldn't leave that out!) and just wanted you to see what I'm seeing here....or if you did. Most are your quotes unless I wrote the name of the person that said it above the quotation. I didn't think to start putting dates on the quotations until I copied another poster's quote.
Hang on to your hats everyone.....this is Sandi's longest post ever!! (Maybe) First quote is the longest (if that helps).
******************************* For starters, I was a a right fighter(dr phil) always had to have my way...I have learned that is not a good thing...have
..."why is Christa being so nice?" I'm thinking this is a good sign
ok...talked with the H today...the only answers he will give are I don't know. He told me still has feelings but will never trust me again...which I validated, told him it would be hard after I left to regain trust. I asked him if there was something that I could do to help him regain my trust...he answered I don’t know. We talked for about an hour, just issues within the marriage, finances etc..."why do I care about his finances now"..he's in a financial burden now..(thinking about selling the house we lived in) He also told me he is overly stressed. Things were going good, then all of sudden I show back up in his life, and he has all of these decisions to make..it just overly stresses him. He also lost his job on Friday which is not helping matters. He did say he doesn't know if he wants the D, still has feelings...but how is he to believe everything is just going to be hunky dorry! I just tried so hard to validate everything he was saying and be reassuring. He tried to pick several fights, I remained calm and reassuring. He ended the call saying he would call me sometime. It is just getting frustrating living in limbo, not knowing....
7/23/07 by Gone Dancing: He's really thinking about it, trust me -- but he's trying to be very cautious and wants to really be 110% sure that you're invested in being there for the long haul. When an LBS is actually left but then the WAS comes back, the thought and concern that the WAS could WA again is overwhelming. The trust will take some time to patch back together. It will likely take the two of you spending a lot of time together again (and a lot of affirmation from you with both actions and words!) before he will actually feel that it will be okay.
From Sandi..... This is telling me that his ego has been badly hurt and it is going to take some healing….maybe over a long period of time, before he is ready to risk getting hurt again. However, it doesn’t answer for his talking to former girlfriend……hummmm. You said he went at “turtle speed”…..(I have one like that too…ugh) and it does take them a long time to come to a decision as important as this one. Just look at the pool problem for an example!
7/23/07 from WAW1978: Sounds like he is in a very bad place with losing his job and in a bad place financially otherwise. Try to keep supporting him during this rough time. You want him to see you as a friend and ally. Show him that you are trust worthy and that you are not going to disappear again.
From Sandi: Yes, and he may see you as a lady that has passed by him in formal education (climbing up the success ladder) and feels inadequate. Although, Barbara DeAngelis says that H’s are proud of their W’s that are able to do this and that women should not stop their own growth to make the H feel better about himself or to “outshine” her.
I told him I would give him some $ to help him make it thru...but he said he didn't want to owe me anything. I think to it must be hard on his pride to have to ask me for it...
From Sandi: Yes, it probably was hard on the male ego. We women think we are helping but nothing is more fragile than the male ego, according to a preacher I heard.
I asked him about doing dinner sometime...flat out no....which I don't get, because we had been doing things together at least once or twice a month...it's been two weeks since the last time we did go out...just not getting the all of sudden pulling away.
From Sandi: Remember…..turtle pace? He was digesting.
What I mean by he is living the bachelor life...he just goes out a lot...bought a harley, even though he can not afford it
From Sandi: Sounds like a MLC!
so now is when I become frustrated, haven't heard from him since weds...arrrghhh... I sit and contemplate what I did and how I acted...is their something that I could have done differently....why doesn't he contact me after. This is when I start to have those feelings....like I should just make him decide between me and the life he is choosing to live (pretty sure is still dating and enjoying bachelor life)....this is when my patience are really tested...and again....i know...patience, patience, patience....
From Sandi: You may be right! Again, if he is in MLC, then that is the roller coaster ride he is on.
8/29/07 From Gone Dancing: The fact that he is explicitly telling you he's scared, doesn't want you to leave him again, etc, means that he wants you to know he is invested in the M still, yet wants to make sure you know what you need to do to reassure him things will be okay and that you'll be there for the long haul.
10/04/07 the talk didn't go well...he asked for the D,
10/05/07 From Broken Marriage: H sounds angry which is good. Angry means you still have feelings to work out. The toughest thing I and a lot of us on this BB has had to do is let go of the rope. When the WAS is pulling on the rope the worst thing to do is pull back by trying to convince them to stay. Just let go of the rope and watch them fly back on their butt. Once they get up and wonder what happened
10/05/07 From Steel Box: Could it be that the cockiness and arrogance on his part are a bit of false bravado to maintain his composure right now? The reason I ask is that I know that for a while I did some of this,
10/09/07 So, H text me yesterday and asked me to come down...I said no thanks, he then asked if I had talked to my atty, I said no...next thing I know he calls me...and was like I was hoping you would want to come down, so we could talk about working things out...but now I see you have your same old attitude back, and don't want to talk about things...so never mind that.
From Sandi: More roller coaster riding???
10/11/07 One week ago, he told me he was embarrassed to be associated with me, and wanted a D, now this. So confused....
Sandi: See what I mean?
11/09/07 I wish no news was good news, but unfortunately not. H and I really haven’t had much interaction lately
Sandi: And more
12/28/07 We just hung out chatted a bit about the R/M, nothing too major, and I spent the night again.
From Sandi...in shock: Huh…..what? Where did I miss the first time? Wow!
3/29/08 God gives you everything you need to fight the battle, it's finding the strength, courage and confidence He has already instilled within you to continue on fighting the good fight. He wouldn't set you up for something you couldn't handle.
Sandi: Yes! I believe that! Remember saying that, Christa?
3/30/08 But I just know that at this point God is giving me the strength I need to continue on fighting for my H/R/and M. It's so crazy, every time I feel like I'm supposed to give up, I pray, or read scripture, and I'm back to being just as motivated to continue on. As I said before, He will let me know when it is time to let go.
Sandi: Somewhere during this time, your spiritual friend must have come to your aid.
3/31/08 He helped me thru two of the most difficult times in my life, the deaths of both my parents
Sandi: Was this the first time you mentioned you parents? I think it was.
4/1/08 Needless to say, that is what he did to really open my eyes. I guess the easiest way to say it is, he stopped giving a sh*t about me, and I honestly think he kind of stopped giving a sh*t about himself.
Sandi: I don't think that is necessarily true, sweetie, b/c if he stopped caring about you, he would not be drinking like that unless he really thought there was no hope
4/06/08 He had been calling and texting his ex-girlfriend, while telling me how badly he wanted things to work out.
From Sandi.....very confused now: Okay, so did I misunderstand something? I thought this started before you walked away from the marriage. But you have just mentioned it here. Why did you wait so long before saying anything? So, was he contacting the old girl friend before you left or not? I’m confused and have read to much today.
7/24/08 he knew both of my parents, and adored my dad....life would just be "the good stuff" with him there...sharing the memories of my parents with me...and maybe someday with kids....maybe that sounds silly...but that's what i feel.
Sandi: Gosh, playing therapist again, this just jumped out at me! Do you see what I see?
******************* Okay, that's all (I know you're glad to hear that.) I've never done this before and hope I don't get kicked off the board. Crista, what about that last statement you made? What do you think about that?
Sorry, this is so long. I have really tried hard today to think of how to help. For some reason, I was led back to your entire thread again. Anyway.....for what it's worth.....
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
