I've been eating, Phil, maybe a little too much. Just had a $4 sandwich and milk I bought at Hannaford's. Hope I hold it down. When I was at class yesterday, I ate 3 of those cheese with crackers packs and 4 Quaker granola bars. Some meal.
Hi! I heard through Puppy about your sitch. From reading your thread it sounds like you are depressed which is what happened to me also. You probably need to try to work on that before worrying about stuff: like cars, or jobs or whatever. Just focus on trying to make yourself happier. I would suggest whatever works: I started seeing a therapist for IC every week and just recently have gone down to 2 weeks, as I'm doing much better. I did and still do take ADs (prozac) has helped too I believe. Posting here and making friends and the support at DB has been crucial for me. GALing was very important also: I had spent so much focus on my kids in my case I needed to focus on myself. I got involved in a play, and currently my new hobby is taekwondo. But basically trying out new hobbies, challenging yourself, making new friends, etc. I found a wonderful church and have thrown myself into the church: volunteering, teaching Bible school, attending Sunday School as well as church. A good church family will help you out too!
Don't beat yourself up about the past. I did that too, b/c I made mistakes as we all do, nobody is perfect. If your wife is having a PA she will soon realize that the OM is not perfect, and in my opinion, all OPs are dysfunctional and messed up to get involved with a married person of 18 years. (BTW, I've also been married 18 years but together for 22.) Don't worry about the future either b/c it hasn't happened and things are going to improve and get better for you I guarantee that 100%.
I think you said you've been having a rough time for 36 days or so; I know I was depressed for prob. about 2 months. Then I think the IC, the AD's, the GALing kind of kicked in, my friends here helped, etc. and things got so much better for me as they will for you. Please keep posting and working on DB even if you think your wife and you will not reconcile. I don't believe my H and I will prob. ever reconcile, who knows, but the important thing is to work on yourself, DB, and you will be fine with or without your W. And they have a saying I always forget it a bit, but something like don't believe any of what they say, and only 50% of what they do or something like that (someone please correct me if I got that wrong again)! But my point is that don't listen to anything your W says. My H said a lot of crazy stuff when he started his affair, and has said since then he was under a lot of stress and his perception was skewed and he wasn't seeing our M accurately. I also think weird mental stuff happens if your spouse is having an EA or PA b/c they turn you into a "bad guy" or evil or something to help justify their own behavior. So just try to avoid worrying or thinking about that. People will know the truth eventually; just keep being the good guy that you are and people will realize the truth. I would try to stay away from her family or friends or those that are "protecting" her from you. I think every WAS has those kind of questionable friends/family and eventually I think your W will become more normal, and things will work out.
Sorry this is so long! About the eating thing, I had that too! I couldn't eat solid food for 2 months or so. I was drinking anything with calories: protein drinks, milkshakes, etc. Have you tried that? Gradually I was able to eat a little after about 2 months liquid diet (not intentional just couldn't eat was so depressed). I'm back to a regular, normal appetite now but it did take a while. Karen
I've felt what you're feeling before, I ache for you and know it's a terrible place to be in. For me, a lot of my negative, my-life-is-over thinking came from believing my H when he degraded our whole M. I couldn't stomach the thought that our M and years of my life were a cruel joke. I couldn't fathom trusting another person again.
But if you read enough on here, you'll see that most WAS say and do the same stuff--it's their justifying to themselves leaving: a marriage that really did mean something, a person that they loved, part of their family that they created through marriage. Leaving those things is so difficult that they actually have to rewrite history over the good memories in order to do it. And they are in so much pain themselves, they do reckless, terrible things to ease it--such as have affairs. In other words, don't believe that you never had a marriage, don't believe or take to heart what she says and does. You can take from your R with her what you decide to take, not what she says or does.
Focus on being a good man, do what you have to do to get out of patterns of negative, nihilistic thoughts. This is what worked for me--find what you enjoy doing or think about someone you care about that will interrupt those patterns. For example, think about your step-grandson, and how much he is missing you in his life right now. You said you two were best friends. Focus on how you can live a good life now and re-establish a relationship with him sometime in the future when things calm down a bit. And they will calm down.
Nothing is lost that you hold within you, like love for your GS. You have a whole new life on the horizon.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
karen, I read your post and it just started me crying again. Not only is this happening to me, but it's happening to much better people than me, people who just don't deserve it. I'm sorry you went through this. It's bad enough it's me because I knew better and I saw all the warning signs 26 years ago, but I thought maybe she'd want to set it all aside and develope self-respect.
karen, I read your post and it just started me crying again. Not only is this happening to me, but it's happening to much better people than me, people who just don't deserve it. I'm sorry you went through this. It's bad enough it's me because I knew better and I saw all the warning signs 26 years ago, but I thought maybe she'd want to set it all aside and develope self-respect.
I hope you are including yourself in the group of people that don't deserve it, because you don't deserve it either! I remember my first time at IC I told my therapist that I was horrible, and I really believed that. It took me getting over my depression and working on myself to realize that I am a good person, just as you are!
I think if everyone had hindsight or used 100% logic before getting married, no one would get married!!! My H has always been a little selfish so I had that as a warning sign, but did I pay attention to that, of course not! I think when we love people we tend to see them with rose-colored glasses and that is just something that happens. You have no control over what your W does essentially, so focus on what you do have control over which is you. Please try to work on your depression and making yourself happy and that will help.
Work on changing those things your wife was bothered about that you are bothered about also, like the anger or whatever that may be. Everyone has flaws and DBing has helped me to work on those: in my case I was a depressed and needy and no self-confidence person and I have worked on all of that. Work on making yourself the best you and your W will realize and then may or may not come back to you, you may or may not want to work on your marriage. But things will work out and you will have healthier, happier life and R as a result! Karen
This is a link to the last thing I wrote before I gave up music. Click on the disc to download and play the song, which is rather long. It's rough because more was supposed to be added. But everything fell apart, so it'll probably stay this way.
So what are you going to do to improve that? I like both therapy/counseling and AD's but you might want to at least one of those even if you aren't thrilled about them. I found them both really helpful.
Exercise is also really good btw. I try to exercise as many days a week as I can and that helps with stress/anger/depression I think. Plus, as you get in better shape I think that builds your self esteem/confidence too. So I would recommend any kind of exercise that you like. I bike, jog, tennis, swim, but my current new favorite is taekwondo. Really great for getting all the stress/aggression out. Several times I've gotten kind of cranky after seeing my L and after a TKD session I'm like a big pile of mush. Very calm and relaxed and feeling strong and positive.
Posting here and getting support is good, but you probably need to do some or all of the other stuff, too! Have fun everyday! Karen
