Hi! I heard through Puppy about your sitch. From reading your thread it sounds like you are depressed which is what happened to me also. You probably need to try to work on that before worrying about stuff: like cars, or jobs or whatever. Just focus on trying to make yourself happier. I would suggest whatever works: I started seeing a therapist for IC every week and just recently have gone down to 2 weeks, as I'm doing much better. I did and still do take ADs (prozac) has helped too I believe. Posting here and making friends and the support at DB has been crucial for me. GALing was very important also: I had spent so much focus on my kids in my case I needed to focus on myself. I got involved in a play, and currently my new hobby is taekwondo. But basically trying out new hobbies, challenging yourself, making new friends, etc. I found a wonderful church and have thrown myself into the church: volunteering, teaching Bible school, attending Sunday School as well as church. A good church family will help you out too!
Don't beat yourself up about the past. I did that too, b/c I made mistakes as we all do, nobody is perfect. If your wife is having a PA she will soon realize that the OM is not perfect, and in my opinion, all OPs are dysfunctional and messed up to get involved with a married person of 18 years. (BTW, I've also been married 18 years but together for 22.) Don't worry about the future either b/c it hasn't happened and things are going to improve and get better for you I guarantee that 100%.
I think you said you've been having a rough time for 36 days or so; I know I was depressed for prob. about 2 months. Then I think the IC, the AD's, the GALing kind of kicked in, my friends here helped, etc. and things got so much better for me as they will for you. Please keep posting and working on DB even if you think your wife and you will not reconcile. I don't believe my H and I will prob. ever reconcile, who knows, but the important thing is to work on yourself, DB, and you will be fine with or without your W. And they have a saying I always forget it a bit, but something like don't believe any of what they say, and only 50% of what they do or something like that (someone please correct me if I got that wrong again)! But my point is that don't listen to anything your W says. My H said a lot of crazy stuff when he started his affair, and has said since then he was under a lot of stress and his perception was skewed and he wasn't seeing our M accurately. I also think weird mental stuff happens if your spouse is having an EA or PA b/c they turn you into a "bad guy" or evil or something to help justify their own behavior. So just try to avoid worrying or thinking about that. People will know the truth eventually; just keep being the good guy that you are and people will realize the truth. I would try to stay away from her family or friends or those that are "protecting" her from you. I think every WAS has those kind of questionable friends/family and eventually I think your W will become more normal, and things will work out.
Sorry this is so long! About the eating thing, I had that too! I couldn't eat solid food for 2 months or so. I was drinking anything with calories: protein drinks, milkshakes, etc. Have you tried that? Gradually I was able to eat a little after about 2 months liquid diet (not intentional just couldn't eat was so depressed). I'm back to a regular, normal appetite now but it did take a while. Karen
