Pieces are Coming Together

[MnSPD]

TB,

Let me relate a similar issue about my life and how the wisdom of another helped me see all is not lost.

At the age of 25 I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis. A form of rheumetoid arthirits that affects the spine and possibly other extremeties. This was a huge blow. I fully expected to go see the Ortho doc and come out wth some exercises - possibly a prescription to fix the constant back pain I was feeling. I came out of the clinic sat in my truck and cried. I was told I may end up in a wheelchair, I was told to limit any and all repetitive physical activity, I was told to plan on giving up most of the things I enjoyed. At 25 yrs old, I felt defeated.

As time went on I slowly let my sport activities end, I continued with other hobbies, but payed the price with constant back pain. My pelvis became fused. By the age of 42 I had a total hip replacement. I had to ask my employer to make provisions for me. My XW began her affair and my mother passed away all in the same year. But....

As I found myself questioning the future, questioning the goals I had in my mind, questioning where I was actually heading, the person who simply showed me that doing the right things is really what we should strive for. Finding our happiness in knowing we did our best where we were and not where we thought we should be, can bring us an equal amount of pleasure as grasping the next rung on the corporate ladder. Being able to enjoy free time as opposed to working our a$$ for "the man".

That person was my Dad. Through my Mothers battle with inflamitory breast cancer, my Dad never faultered. He stayed by her side as her caregiver. At my Mom's wishes he down played the seriousness of her condition to keep hope in our hearts. He did it all because he made the decision to do it the best way he knew how. The right way. Not right for him, just right. He cared for my mother until the day she went to hospice. The following day she passed away. At my mother's funeral, I honored her but also honored him by expressing my pride in his committment and his character. I don't know if anyone understood through the tears but I know he did, because he came over to me and hugged me as I choked out the last words. Our relationship changed that day. He showed me what charater is and I have follwed his path. I can't think of anything more valuable. I take more pride in discovering my character than any other accomplishment.

My point is, no matter what life presents to you, strive to find the challenge you seek in all forms. Don't look to the next job, don't think about the next house. Simply stop and look for the challenge right in front of you. What can you improve, who can you mentor, who can you support? Simply adjust your challenge to yourself, not what's around the corner. What can you accomplish for yourself and keep your loving, budding, marriage strong?

I'm not suggesting you give up your dreams, maybe just re-define or possibly re-align them. If you continue to think of these unattained goals as frustrations, you will plant the seed of resentment. As you continue to strengthen your relationship with H and you begin to see the strength building, approach your H with your long term goals. Use the effective communication skills you've discovered to openly discuss the issue and see how he responds. If your H is adimently opposed, adjust your goals. Channel the energy you put toward your goals, in other directions.

You can find happiness where ever you want to.

Steve

[Torchbearer]

I really think we're going to do this!!! H has been back in the house now since the end of December. While he hasn't completely moved back in - some of his stuff is still at the place he was staying and at another friend's - he has been living happily under our roof. Things have been going very well. We are both very conscious of the other's feelings. My C is absolutely amazed at how well I have let go. There is just so much stuff I don't worry about any more and can't even get myself worked up to worry about any more.

He isn't wearing his ring yet, but he is under our roof. I know he feels that our rings are very important symbols. I don't need to remind him or to bring it up. He will start wearing it when he is ready. I'm fine with that. I wasn't going to wear mine again until he did, but I started wearing it a few weeks ago. I don't find this as an issue.

I don't think he has called his attorney to call things off even though it is quite obvious that the D is not an issue any more. I talked with my C about this. I decided I am waiting until the end of February, when H is officially back as he gave 30 days to his friend for the place he was staying. After that he won't be paying rent to another place and will be physically fully back. On the advice of my C, I am going to call my attorney at that time and tell her that all is done and we've reconciled - send me my files. Then my C says that I can mention to my H what I did. Again, it is H's choice as to what he does with his own attorney. It expresses my confidence but doesn't put any pressure on him.

My C also commends me for continuing to encourage H to keep up with the GAL activities that he took up while we were separated. H got back into guitar and singing, and working out. All things he enjoys. Now that he's back he hasn't been keeping up with those things. I want him to continue them because they make him happy. C says that sometimes people, especially men, tend to avoid doing some of the things they like for fear that it will cause the couple to grow apart. He says that most of the time this is very subconscious and is not intentional at all. So C tells me that my encouraging on a regular, but not annoying basis is good - that H may "take me up on it" at some point. I just want to make sure that H is happy and those are things he went to because they made him happy. We split because he was afraid that he couldn't be himself and was losing himself, so I feel more than ever that he can't lose these types of activities. I of course will do the same.

I have detached in a very healthy way. I am showing more trust. I still have my issues, but I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he never went to another woman, he never really did anything undeserving of trust. It's just a big issue with me and something I need to continue working on, along with my passive-aggressive behavior (which I've been doing very well with, thank you very much). These are things that affect our R, but are not his fault. They are my demons and my issues. He has his own. And the more I work on mine and continue to improve my behavior, the better and more trusting he gets. It's a very positive circle and one that I plan on continuing.

Life is good. I would have never believed you if you told me 4, almost 5 months ago that it could be this good again. It's been a lot of hard work and probably will be for some time yet, but we are well on our way. I will keep working at it and so will he. Communication is key. I think we are reaching what my C refers to as the third stage of marriage, where the power struggle is done and both people recognize each other as individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses and yet they choose to not only live together, but to support each other without fear of losing themselves, but instead growing. Time will tell if this is really where we're at, but I hope so as it is what all married couples strive for.

Peace.

[Torchbearer]

This is when you know things are going better.
1) H has nearly all of his personal belongings back at home. He has been bringing them home carload by carload everynight after work. Yea!
2) He brings roses for no reason. It nearly made me cry.
3) I contacted my lawyer to get all of my paperwork and close out the case and she is genuinely happy for me/us!
4) We both are trying our hardest to reaffirm each other and to make sure the other knows how much they are loved, and in my opinion, appreciated for who they are

Things are going really well!!!!

I still work every day on my P/A disorder, but it's easier when you force yourself to think through things logically and acknowledge that everything is NOT about you. Sometimes it just is how things are. I'm proud of our accomplishments.

And to make things even better, I found out that my aunt who was separated from her H of 26 years are getting back together. He did a complete 180 and she says things are better than they have been in 10 years. There is hope.

[Torchbearer]

I haven't been out here for awhile and I thought I would provide an update and a little inspiration.

H has been home since the end of December and all of stuff was back at our house by February. We have been doing very well since then.

I am very concious of my passive-aggressive tendencies and address them to myself often. It has affected how I behave towards H in a good way and exercises some of Michele's teachings. It makes me think: "How is what I'm going to say going be taken? Is it going to be positive or ruin the rest of my day?" For us with PA it's very helpful. It gets a lot of the negativity into perspective. In reality there hasn't been a lot of negativity.

We are both responsive to the others needs. I work to support him and encourage him to do what he needs to (play guitar, get together with the guys, etc.) and show him that I trust him. I also respond to his LL and we touch and hug a lot.

He helps around the house and volunteers to take on the extra little tasks that over time drive me insane. He assures me he loves me regularly and has even brought me flowers twice! He also got me a gift for our engagement anniversary. We don't usually do anything so it was an extra special treat.

We haven't forgotten our trials of last fall/winter and I think that is important. It serves as a constant reminder as to how far we've come and why we can't slip back into our old behaviors. We talk about some of the events that happened to us independently during our S, but not in a bad way. It is just something that happened. It is over and we are a team again.

My family has been extremely supportive and act as though nothing happened. They don't bring up the separation. They are loving and supportive of both mine and his endeavors in life.

I'm sure over time that we won't have to work as hard, but I know the rewards are worth it.

[pisces9]

wow TB! i have been rereading your posts a lot from the night he said he wanted to come home...i am soo happy for you and it has given me such inspiration...i found your threads in archived threads- bc you are a WISE DB'er! it so nice you just checked in to catch us up!

my H and i are on the same track i think! PMA!

do you find that it is just easy to "forget" the past and that his actiosn have shown you as well that HE can chcnage? it seems as thought you have changed dframatically as well- so maybe that led him to change?

here is my current post...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1518615&page=2#Post1518615

last night was our 7 year anniversary and i cant beileve we had dinner together...it was a dream come true...and then some! he hasnt fully committed verbally at all- but ACTION wise it seems we are on the right track!

also- thats great to hear how your families have reacted...i wasnt sure how all that would work...that helps a lot to hear too!

i hope to post the my D ios busted just like you one day!

you rock!! thank you for posting and saving your M!!

[Torchbearer]

Picses9,

To answer your question about forgetting. Actually, I remind myself almost everyday what happened and why it can't happen again. I don't do it to bring up the bad stuff. I mostly do it to look at and continually evaluate my own behavior. . . and to think how blessed I am to get this second chance. That we both get this second chance. I do truly believe we are soulmates. I believe that is why he chose to give me, and us a new beginning.

We took it very slowly and we continue to go slowly. He just put his wedding ring back on this past week. I never asked and I never pushed. As I explained to my C back in February. It was a promise that I made to myself to not bug him about it because I KNOW that he knows how important the rings are. It was something we argued about during C. He didn't think I realized the importance. So I felt that if I were patient he would begin wearing it when he was ready, my pestering him would not help things. I'm glad I had the patience.

I just scanned through your thread and it looks like you are on the right track. All I can say is have patience. Know when to back off. The last thing you want to do is scare him off because you're all ready to embrace him and bring him back into your life. He needs time and you need time. Another thing that my C brought up is that there is this weird transitional period that nobody likes to be in. But you need to wade through it and let things be ambiguous for awhile. If you move to quickly you can fall back into old habits and things can fall apart again. If you wait and are willing to live with ambiguity for awhile you'll both carve out a new beginning. I would like to think that is what H and I are doing. We were S in September '07. I did some major things wrong, but by October I was coming to terms with myself. I wasn't blaming anymore. By Nov we were talking again. By Thanksgiving we were dating and by the end of December he asked if it were okay for him to move back in. He started moving his stuff back and was fully, physically back in our home by February.

Keep up the PMA and GAL. Don't be disappointed if he says no or isn't ready to do something. It isn't personal. He needs space and time. As do you. You may not feel like you do, but as you gain more sense of self you will be ready to move ahead with a new and better relationship!

[minkerman]

Thank you for posting. It is, in many ways, similar to what my wife and I went through. Like you, my spouse asked to come home "out of the blue". And it truly was like that...I was convinced she was not coming back, and she told me as much only 12 hours previous! ("believe none of what they say").

Right now, we are coming out the other side of the "ambiguous" stage you mentioned. You are correct in that you just have to be patient and let things evolve naturally.

My wife is not wearing her ring either, and I struggle with whether to mention it to her or ask her about it. However, after reading your post, I have decided to let it go. I continue to wear mine for my own reasons, and hopefully she will put hers on when the time is right.

All other parts of the R are going very well, and we are totally on track to be awesome for each other for the future.

Thanks again for reinforcing what I already knew!

[pisces9]

wow- thanks torchbearer! that is very helpful...this is an odd transitional period and i dont know for sure where we are heading...i am needing space too but i just want to hear him say he wants to come home...i know i know- patience and continue to do what im doing... sometimes i feel so string and clear and other times i am so not sure if he will recommit. so far everything looks good...i am happy to hear that the work continues...i think that is important to know...thank ou for your insight....trying to not contact him after our rendevous for our anniversary last week

minkerman- ive been reading your posts as well for inspiration...i think the ring is a symbol and if everything else is going well...that will come with time...

i was thinking to make a ceremony out of it later...much later...and recommit to eachother....we shall see!

thanks for the DB help!

[Changed Woman]

Hi, Torch and Minkerman...thanks to both of you for your posts. I am really having a hard time with things right now...H told me last night he wasn't considering dating someone, but if he did it would be none of my business. I've been thinking about this convo a lot and remember about 8 months ago him telling me if he ever thought about wanting to be with someone else he would leave me. Well he DID LEAVE ME so I'm thinking he hadn't cheated, but had to leave me to go be with this other person. This is breaking my heart!