Dan, Here's some quick thoughts. Thanks for posting on my thread.
1. You're in MC? Do you realize how many of us here would give anything to be that far?
2. The affair. Bro, quit worrying about it. And quit snooping, especially when you promised not to. Most marriages recover from an affair. Around 74%, believe it or not. Not that it isn't a big deal, but divorce is a MUCH bigger deal. For you, and the kids. But I can tell you already know that.
Here's a thread I read when I get discouraged. The success stories on here are amazing. Here's a part about her "blame everything on you". I can tell you from experience that it works. Why not try it at the MC appointment?
3. When you are together ALWAYS AGREE, keep your mouth shut and LISTEN intently to every word she says: When you do get chance to talk to her or spend time with her – and you will – ALWAYS try your hardest to be upbeat, positive, friendly, considerate and DON’T get angry or talk about your feelings and what YOU WANT. Stay positive and don’t bring up the relationship unless she does, and when she does, keep your trap shut and listen to everything she says. Want to stay out of trouble? Listen. Want to get back in the house? Listen. Want to have a long loving relationship? Listen. My God, listen till the blood drips from your ears; listen till you want to scream out a solution; listen until she has nothing left to say and when she’s done, shut up and listen some more. Women are the caregivers and if you want her to give, you’d better do some caring. Not only should you listen, but when you do speak, always AGREE. Validate what she says, and don’t argue. For example, “you were a complete jerk, you hurt me, you never spent time with our family, you’re selfish, you have two heads, the moon is made of chocolate etc etc…” I don’t care what she says, just say…”You’re right…I was a jerk, I am sorry and I screwed up…and your right the moon is made of chocolate and I have two heads. If you want me to leave, I understand, your right, maybe it would never work, but I do love you and I’ll always be here for you and the kids if you need anything.” It works people. When she starts talking about your failures and why the marriage was so horrible, much of which is probably true, she is waiting for you to react in anger, hurt, frustration, and let you say horrible things to her, blame her for everything and storm out of the house because this is the type of behavior that validates her thoughts, expectations and rationalizations for walking away. Such behavior will make her feel better. When you DON’T act like this, it will throw her for a loop and she will be completely bewildered. Try it. But you have to be consistent. As aside, this doesn’t mean you should be a doormat. This simply means listening and validating her feelings, thoughts and emotions regarding you, her and the marriage. It does not mean that you have to accept ridiculous requests regarding things such as financial or property issues. If these come up, respectfully and calmly disagree. In fact, you can use them to buy time. For example, you might say: “that is not acceptable to me at this point, and it is something we can negotiate or work out in a few weeks, but I am sure we can find an amiable middle ground. I don’t want you and the kids to be a bad position. Remember I am your best friend regardless of what happens.”
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Thanks Jon. I posted over in the regrets thread, that my only regret is not being strong enough to keep my nose out of her business. I could stand in there and accept the blame for everything. I could stand and validate her pain. I'm not sure that it will help. I would be more positive about MC if I saw it as anything more than something she is doing to appear as if she is willing to work on things. That actually sounds worse than I mean. I think that my W would like our M to work out. I think there are several problems. First, I think that part of her wants things that she knows won't be acceptable. Second, aside from the unacceptable things, she doesn't really know what she wants in an affirmative sense. Third, I think at some deep level she knows that she is part of the problem, but, she has spent a lifetime dodging the responsibility for the bad things that have happened to her in life and though she knows she has problems, she can't face them and grow. Perhaps she will grow. Perhaps as I make massive changes in my role as a father, something will click inside and she will start to grow. I will remain open and will work on this M until we are D and one of us is in a committed relationship to someone else.
You're welcome. There are a handful of threads that I follow and I try to give back as I can.
Dan, That's cool. Michelle says it's a law of relationships: when one partner changes, so does the other. I think we spend way too much time worry about whether our W will ever change. And I'm including myself in that.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Thanks for the feedback Jon. I have an appt on Monday with my IC. I really need some help clarifying things, but, as I go round and round and round in my mind, I keep coming to a conclusion. My conclusion is that I am still willing to take her back and I'm willing and able to forgive her and I'm willing to work hard on our M, if she is willing to walk away from the crap she's been doing. I feel that I've reached the point where my GAL involves moving on. I will always love my wife because I choose to do so. Until one of us is in a committed LTR, I will be open to working on our R and even remarrying. I don't have the strength or the endurance to continue in this limbo in the hope that things will be better in a year or two.
In some ways I feel like a quitter. Perhaps I am and perhaps my C can help me to see other paths.
