So hard to say. I don't think it's anything anyone can tell you. How do YOU feel after it. What people were telling me is if it made me feel used for bad, or him feel bad then we should stop. When my H would freak out afterwards and get all weird, then i would make it clear to him that I was still up for it, but he'd have to initiate because I couldn't keep feeling like crap afterwards. Well, needless to say, he did. So then I started initiating again.
I've gone about 2 weeks now without a freakout from him, so we'll see.
For me, yes it felt bad that I know it meant more to me than him, but I really felt in my situation that I needed to keep that connection. I'd let him lead when he protested those few times, and somehow we'd come back together.
Maybe you could say the same thing to him....."I want that intimacy with you. I know it doesn't mean to you what it does to me right now, but maybe we could just let it be what it is. A nice moment". Make it clear to him you don't expect it to mean everything (even though it is hard to turn that off, but it might put him more at ease). Don't put expectations on it.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I agree with Chris 100%. If you don't feel used and he doesn't totally feel guilty then go for it. I too like the connection that it brings and I'd go for it if given the opportunity.
I think the spontenaity works best because they don't like it when we persue.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I have to say I was a bit encouraged by the fact that H called soon after he left lastnight to say goodnight. I shouldn't have been...today he's very distant again.
On the sex thing...not sure if I will initiate it again...when we are in the middle of it he seems to let his guard down, but back it comes when it's over. I don't feel used....don't know how I feel really. I'm so confused...I am so afraid to stop expressing interest in sex for fear he won't think I've changed. I'm mad that someone that pledged their life long love to me can't be understanding enough to give our family a chance. I'm thinking maybe there is another woman...I feel defeated.
Hope the advice helps some.... or seeing how you are not alone and you can get thru this.... this is a great online community!!!!!!!!!!! Take care honey.... ~Ali
I just posted on 7Year's thread. H is really being distant...is firm that nothing I could do or say would convince him that I've really changed so I'm going to try a different approach. I think we make these guys "lazy" by doing all the work...it's taking quite a while for methods in dbing to sink in, but the farther away I get from desparation the more clearly I seem to be thinking.
You know...we obviously weren't the best wives our our husbands would still be here, but we deserve some consideration and love ourselves. I am not going to be a doormat any longer. I don't mean I've given up, but I do think I'm making it easy on H by always letting him know how I'll be there. Think about it..he doesn't have to worry at all that there might be a risk that I would get on with my life...I think that idea (if he does have any feelings for me) gives him peace I don't have. I somewhat think to our H's...we have become a "fallback". If things don't work out in their new lives....they can always go back to us.
Well..confused as ever here. H came over last night to drop of D from their visit at his house. He decided he needed to take the koi out of our koi pond and take them to his house. I was thinking WTF???? How about you take the dog and the cat you dumpted me with, but whatever...I just let him take them..no sense in arguing. It seems he really doesn't have any plans to come back home. I'm in a "get on with my life mood". Doubt it will last...it never does.
At any rate...when H was here...we did end up messing around...of course he said he thinks I am using sex as a tool to pull him back in....not sure if I should feel encouraged by this...does that mean he thinks I can pull him back in???? Anyway, after sex he took off like a bat out of hell. When tears started to form in my eyes when he was leaving I just said a quick bye and turned my back to him and walked away so he wouldn't see the hurt in my eyes. I am starting to feel bad after sex....think I'll stop.
