Cinders: The gift really isn't all that exciting - just a very big itunes gift certificate so he can get stuff for his appletv. The reasons why are complicated, which is why I didn't mention it. Plus, I feel like I chronicle WAY too much about what goes on with H. Been practicing leaving the little details out to focus more on the big picture, but not having much success!
OC: Yeah, I do see some positives in what's going on with H and how he's opening up. But like you said, I can usually expect him to retreat as soon as he moves forward, so I do my best to not make anything out of his actions. I just want to be consistent with mine.
Upside: As you of all people know, it's so hard to not have expectations when they make the smallest step in the right direction. I'm conditioning myself to take the word and meaning of expectations out of my vocabulary and my mind so there is less room for disappointment. I think it may require shock treatment.
Since mentioning moving forward with S agreement/D 2 weeks ago, H has not brought it up again. Although, he did say that he doesn't care what people say anymore - I think in reference to having paperwork in place - which is exactly what I told him when we spoke that day.
I'm still contacting H only if absolutely necessary. No real contact from him, except to talk to S6. I'm having birthday party for younger S who is turning 3 on Sunday. Because he asked, I let H know which friends will be there (the one he is fighting with will be out of town) - it sounds as if he plans on being there.
I emailed H the gift certificate, he emailed me back "Thanks!" blah blah blah. I'm pretty sure it's the first exclamation point I've gotten from him in over 2 years. Ha!
H emailed me to ask for some of kids documents. Said he's doing taxes and can write some things off. Really curious what he's putting down as his marital status. Sigh.
Emotionally, all is well with me. I think I have finally reached a place of acceptance (and do I dare even say peace?!) with myself and my sitch. I finally feel more aware of what I did wrong in the M and how I'm changing so it doesn't happen in my next R (with H or someone else). I guess it's been a gradual process, but I know for a long time, I only skimmed the surface of what was wrong with me without really putting in any effort to fix it. It's still something I'm working on, and I plan to practice my new R skills on H every chance I get.
Just wanted to share what S6 said today. As we were leaving MIL's, I made a comment about how fortunate S6 is to have all the things he has. I told him that different things are important to different people and asked him what's most important to him: a big house, money, family, toys, cars, health. He thought about it for no more than 5 seconds and answered "Family".
It brought tears to my eyes. Possibly one of my proudest moments as a mom - to feel like I'm actually doing SOMETHING right in how I'm raising them.
The other day while having lunch with SIL, she asked me if I would still take H (her brother) back. Without any hesitation, I told her yes. She asked how I could ever trust him again and wouldn't I always be wondering what he was doing every time he whispered on the phone or was out later than he should be. I said that if he would come back, it would mean that he has changed and further explained my reasons. I really believed it.
I spoke to a friend who H is also friends with and has been speaking to lately. Her honest opinion was that H is too much of a coward and will never have the balls to make things right between us, even if he wanted to. She also said that if this is what I wanted, then I will be the one who has to do all the work. I agreed with her, but also told her that I have no problem with that, seeing as how I would get what I wanted in the long run. I told her I still had faith in H that he would pull himself out of this - that I really believed he would prove himself to be better than all his friends here.
The following night, I had dinner with 2 old guy friends from high school who I haven't seen in over 15 years. One is M and the other has a serious gf of 4 years (neither of the SO's were there, just the 3 of us). They were friends of mine, but did not know H in school. I had such a great time catching up with them and really admire and respect both of them. Great guys who are dedicated to their careers, admire and respect their SO's and are both very close to their families. After spending the evening with them, I found myself really happy - even smiling long after I got home. I couldn't help thinking that I wish the one who had a gf was single, because THAT is the kind of guy I want to be with.
The next day, was S3's birthday party. H was there. He seemed so immature to me. I also found him very unattractive - wearing a shirt that was too tight over a tummy that seemed to double in size since I saw him last weekend. Even the way he was walking bothered me. He made a derogatory statement that was an attempt at being funny, which made him look even more unattractive.
Without me ever having to ask him, he joined in and helped whenever it was time for the kids to gather. I was surprised by that, but also really annoyed that he suddenly wanted to look like superdad in front of his friends when he normally does nothing for S3. When S6 got injured, he only wanted me, but H kept asking what was wrong and making S6 cry even more - just the sound of his voice was so agitating that all I could do was ignore him. Everything about today felt so...awkward. For the first time too. I usually have no problems interacting with H and am so eager to do my best DBing in his presence.
I felt as if H was out of place in our family today - like we've been living on our own for so long without him and really didn't need OR want him there today. While we were cutting the cake, SIL suggested the 4 of us (H, kids and I) take a picture together, but it felt so fake that I said "no, it's ok". H must've felt uncomfortable too, because he immediately turned around and walked away.
I don't know what has brought all these intense feelings on - seeing that not all guys are like H and realizing there are still a lot of good guys out there, being a week away from the 2 year mark, or simply PMS.
Whatever it is, I'm really troubled by this feeling. It's scary and relieving, at the same time.
It's as if by me changing my view of H, I can kill all hope of our M ever being restored. H has no interest in working things out, so if I choose to no longer stand, the M is truly over. That's really what I feel right now. Will update again soon to let you know if my feelings change.
Still having mixed feelings about H. Didn't contact him all week (no reason to, really), but he called me once to ask me about something not very important and then emailed me to get some details about me and kids for insurance purposes (he's getting new medical insurance and adding us to his policy). We also spoke about life insurance last week. I told him that friend advised we get something in place before our status changes - he said he would get something "for the boys". Then when I saw him today, he asked if he should put me or the boys as the beneficiary. He initiated conversation with me by asking questions. He was also very generous and offering me things I've mentioned to him over the past few weeks. Again, much more open than he's been.
I don't get it, but I do appreciate it.
I see him and I can't imagine why I would still want to be with such an immature, cowardly, emotionally retarded adulterer. At the same time, I want to crawl up next to him, hold him, and be in his arms again.
SH Hi..If H is adding you and kids to policy,he isnt thinking D right maybe just keep riding it out--He is more open then he has ever been..a few more months wont hurt just to seewhere he is going He is being generous..MY H also gives more when Iam friendly and validating See where it all leads You will know when the time is right Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi SH, I'm not as far along as you are (15-month mark) but I understand your feelings of disinterest towards H. It is especially difficult as you begin to notice other interesting people!
Although some on this board disagree, I do notice that the MLCer usually does apologize and/or offer regrets at some point. Most of the time, though, it is too late. The LBS has processed the situation and moved on.
I am getting into the same place that you are (I'm quite a few months behind you timeline-wise), but H did initiate D.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Hey b, thanks for stopping by. You're right about feeling disinterested because I'm noticing other people and having renewed faith that not ALL men are like H. It's as if H's decision has given me a chance to live my life all over again, to fall in love with someone new, to see what else is out there for me. Honestly, I wish it was H I could do that with. But all the wishing and changing on my part hasn't gotten me very far with H and I need to keep moving.
Quote:
Although some on this board disagree, I do notice that the MLCer usually does apologize and/or offer regrets at some point. Most of the time, though, it is too late.
I was one of the ones who disagreed with that. To me, it seems like they just keep on running and somehow erase the past from their memories. (Guess I'm more of a glass-half-empty person.) I'm still waiting for that day when I wake up and think "I can't believe I wasted so much time on H", which I hear about from friends who have gone through bad break-ups (not M's).
peace: It wouldn't surprise me if H isn't thinking D, but it doesn't mean that he's coming back either. I think he's very content to leave things exactly as they are, indefinitely.
Besides having to reply to H's email, I'm still not initiating any contact. Got a call from him, but he was looking for S. We spoke for a bit - he's still being very generous.
