If you haven't already, you maybe should see a L just to know how the whole process works in your state.
You don't have to fight against the D (which would probably push your H towards it anyway), but you don't have to help him do it either (unless it is what you want).
You are right, he could still come back, but I think we need to live our life like they aren't coming back any time soon, if ever.
I really like the lighthouse analogy. We can have that light on and keep it shining, but they are so far out in the ocean being tossed and turned that we can't directly toss them a line and pull them towards us. We also can't see, because they are so far out there, exactly how they are being tossed and turned, if they have managed to right themselves, or even if they are or are not looking towards us. Sometimes we can't see them out there at all.
We have to keep our lighthouse snug and warm for us and our kids, and create/see/find our own happiness for us and our kids. Our day to day decisions and happiness don't have to have anything to do with our H's out to sea.
I know this is harder to do when we have to see their "shell" almost everyday for the kids sake. But we can do it. We can also make decisions for how to deal with that "shell" that is the most healthy for us and our kids.
Also, as hard as it is to type, there will come a day when we may need to move out of that lighthouse because they are truely lost at sea never to return. That decision is our own and so so hard to make, but I think we will know when.
Maybe I am trying to stretch this analogy way too far!
Maybe it is best not to assume anything about your h, his thoughts, his "doneness". You can't know right now.
Do what you need to do for you (and your kids). Create a life that is good for you and your kids in the present, with the flexibility to allow H into it in the future if that is what you want. A formal D shouldn't have anything to do with that.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
