Ken's situation - Live-in WAW

[sandi2]

Hi Ken, thank you for your sweet words. I am flattered that you read my posts.

I guess I got in too big of a hurry to get the in-laws out of the house...lol. I know I repeat myself a lot...bad habit of mine, but I really, really believe that this was the "icing on the cake" that made things come to a head in the breakdown of the MR. Don't put all the blame on yourself. I have had somebody in the house with me all of our 42 years except for maybe a total of .....I'd say 3 years. It gets hard. When it is your kids, it's normal b/c that is just the way it suppose to be. But, when it is anybody else....it is going to put a strain on the MR. Especially.......especially in-laws! Even if you are on good terms with them, it is just hard on the marriage. I still think that it was a bad combination of your meds needing to be adjusted or changed, you not giving your wife the emotional needs your W was empty of, and the stress of in-law interference. So, I think the break from of all this will be the best thing for your M. Don't look at it as a S......just a much needed break for both of you. Besides, it gives you that much more time for the meds to get you balanced out (BTW, it seems like they are doing a wonderful job!) and it gives you that much time to work on your personal improvements/habits....right? Right!

I realized I had a very unhealthy attachment to my wife and then realized I needed to break it. My self worth was attached to what I thought she thought about me. If she is acting this way toward me, I must be no good. Issues that go back to my childhood. Tough stuff to break through. But I'm working feverently to get through.

I don't know that I ever had an unhealthy attachment (except of course with the OM), but I can understand what you are talking about by measuring you self worth by how another person acts toward you. It is tough stuff to break through! Also, I think both of us tend to lean toward thinking more on the negative side than the positive and that is one reason for you waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems that there is always some kind of trouble or drama around in my family and if I'm not careful, I catch myself thinking, "It's about time for something to happen", or if it does....I'm not too surprised. That's not really good for us to think like that, so I will join you in trying harder to be more of a positive thinker! I never have suffered with bi-polar, but I do understand depression, and it is hard to be a positive thinker when you have that to deal with. But, back to basing your self-worth on another person's actions toward you going back to your childhood. I was raised under the influence of two strong women that felt that a person had to do everything based on what other people would think about them. Then, I married a man, at 18 years old, who was the same way. So, I have felt as though I have not only lived in a glass house my entire life, but that every action I did was going to be "judged" by somebody.....didn't know who....but "somebody" out there. One advantage of getting older (and thank God, there are a few...lol) is that you begin to get to a place that you are not quite as concerned about what others think. Well, I'll take that back! B/c my grandmother died, bless her heart, still caring too much about what other people thought about her. Therefore, I have worked hard to not allow that to happen to me. When I got Fibromyalgia and was missing a lot of work, I was treated very coldly by my co-workers b/c they did not understand how the Fibro worked on a person, so they didn't really believe anything was wrong with me. When I miss...it puts a strain on them at the office. So, I begin to let that brother me a lot and my self-esteem begin to suffer due to how I was allowing their behavior affect me. I realize that they can't make me feel bad about missing work b/c I am sick, unless I allow them to make me feel bad about it. One of the girls in payroll really messed up some checks and when the bookkeeper caught it and called her hand on it....she just laughed about it. Well, I would have beaten myself up until I was sick, wondering what others must think about me! So, sweetie, I do understand how that is! I also realize, as I said, we are the ones that enable others to make us feel bad about ourselves......but as you said, it is hard to break through that stuff.

I can see that you are a natural born "worry wort"...lol, so my advice is for you to be prepared mentally and physically for what you know is coming...as best as you can, but don't allow yourself to worry. That is how you deal with it. You do the best you can! That is how we get through this life. When we give our best......what more can we do? If it isn't good enough......we still couldn't do better if we did our best at that particular time....right? I have also learned to try to live my life as unto the Lord (as the Bible says). In other words, if I feel like if I've done my best for Him, nobody else's opinion matters. Even if you aren't a Believer, it a good way to live b/c we sure aren't going to please people!

I am very proud of how you are handling yourself during this break. You are indeed making the most out of it. You are working on your health and your self improvements. You are getting a life....oh, gosh but that is important. It helps to keep that depression down by getting a life. That is one thing that has gone against me not being able to do the things I once did. So, you keep your plans to go to the family reunion, and if anyone asks why your W isn't with you.......don't worry about it or what they may be thinking.....just be prepared with what your answer will be, okay?

You want to know something? You have inspired me! That is the truth. You are going to get better and better as you are waiting for in-laws to move out.....so you are using that to your advantage instead of getting all upset about it. And you are making the most of your break and resolving to do better when you get back home. Yes, I think your medication is doing a wonderful job, but I don't think it is all the meds.....I think it is you! So, pat yourself on your back for me, b/c you deserve it.....and you deserve to feel good about yourself. The medication does help us deal better and keep us more balanced, etc., but we have to help ourselves. If a person just lays down and tries to quit and give up on life....then medication doesn't always do much for them due to their mental attitude. So, you've got the right mental attitude....the meds are just helping out.

I admire you. I think we are going to be good friends. You have been an inspiration to me. Keep up the good work.

Sandi