I have already screwed up this R by my words and actions. When I say something won't work it's usually because I have already tried it. Example of something that hasn't worked: talking to her best friends to either say something to her or put pressure on her. They run back and tell her and she gets mad and flips out
Buster,
A suggestion: when I exposed to my wife's parents and siblings, and whenever I RE-exposed something to them, I always made it a point to tell them how much I loved their daughter/sister, how I'd always been faithful to her, how much I DIDN'T want a divorce, and that I really wanted the marriage to make it. In other words, I used language that -- if things were to get back to her -- they were a POSITIVE, along with the obviously negative news of whatever it was I was exposing/re-exposing.
Well I report back to them every new detail and I say exactly what you said to. I guess that's one thing I'm doing right. I tell them all the time about being faithful and loving her and fighting for us
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
here's a question. At our mediation consultation, I was given a figure of X number of dollars to pay for support. Since I didn't agree to or sign anything yet I don't owe that amount. I have been overly reasonable on paying her money. She is already expecting me to pay the specific sum monthly. How do I go about telling her I don't have to pay her that amount and that I will give what I think is very reasonable ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
What did "X" all include, that you now feel is unreasonable?
You should only be paying for basic family needs at this point, to the best of your ability. And NOTHING that enables her affair.
I'd be hesitant to start paying that figure, unless you want that to become precedent. And I'd not put ANYTHING in writing to her -- whatever you come up with, do it VERBALLY.
ok, I don't have comment about the support stuff. But I do have a point.
Buster, your talks with your wife when picking up your son have a pro and a con :
Pro. They give you a chance to expose her to the NEW you, to interest her again, to make her realise the OLD YOU is GONE.
Con. They also fill her in on every detail of your life so she doesn't have to worry, nor does she have a chance to fantasize.
If you can get IN and perk her curiosity about you and then SPLIT right when she's showing interest, THAT is ideal.
Its like a concert, always LEAVE them wanting MORE of you.
My sense is you give her everything you have until you run dry and then leave. This is suicide.
Try to leave her a bit of mystery to solve about you. Dates are like that, and that's what you want these to feel like, five to ten minute dates. You have to win her over and split so she will want to call you back.
It sounds like for the most part you have a handle on the do's and don'ts. My one comment though is if she says "GET OUT" in a funny way trying to warm up to YOU...DON"T PISS ON IT BY BRINGING UP YOUR LIVING SITUATTION.
She was flirting with you and you pissed on it, from my reading anyways. IT sounded like you had her on the line and then slapped her down.
I would have just nudged her back and said "WAY baby" and smiled.
You want to try to sneak in a date here if you can, but dates don't spil your guts on the table, you charm, entrance, amuse, and interest the other person and then you LEAVE.
Played well on the whole, but try to keep it up beat if she will.
I agree with puppy here though, she has to realise you aren't on the same page with the affair. But TELLING her this OUTRIGHT is NOT the way to do that. THat is how you provoke a fight and drive her far away.
AS far as things you can say to floor her. You told me you were thinking of writin ga song, well here's your chance. Write the lyrics. Find a really good line and give them to her ONE at a TIME on each visit, and then SPLIT. Its a very long drawn out song if you will with no music.
Keep them guessing, always LEAVE them wanting MORE of you.
Does she want you to stay LONGER as you are walking out the door? If not, you were there too long. Get in there, get her to want you to stay, and then SPLIT instead.
You want her to be wondering about you, thinking about you, and not completely certain who it is that just left, but curious to find out.
My impression is that you are giving her too much.
You want the exchanges to accomplish the following :
1. Make her feel BETTER about being around you. 2. Make her TRUST that she can OPEN up to you. 3. Make her romantically curious about you. 4. Make her feel like she isnt' getting enough of you.
She likley looks forward to that visit. I bet she does.
However, if you just pop in, grunt, and leave, you arne't making her look forward to your next visit.
If you can do those four things in five mins then keep it up to five minutes. The time isn't as important as what you do with it.
If you can get those four in, you are done, leave. But don't muddle around if it isn't gonig well, get out before it gets worse. Try to leave witha good impression and get those four items done.
It sounds like you rae doing things already, I am just laying it out for you more clearly. The five or twenty isnt important. Its what you offer and what you HOLD BACK that makes the visit important.
Overall though well done, you chose some very good words to handle things. You are getting there, but ya, six weeks is nothing. In Michele Davis' example in her book it took about EIGHT MONTHS for the man in her examle to end his affair..EIGHT MONTHS from when his wife started to divorcebust.
You have been giong for 6 weeks compared to her (4.25 x 8 = 34?) 34 weeks.
And michele's book was only a sample.
If you can get her to stay in her home and visit her there, that's best yes.
Its a damn shame your support group isnt' willing to go an extra mile.
If she likes music and you CAN write a song, do one...but dont play it for her...leave a hint you are writing one by taking out a piece of beaten up paper and scribbling some lyrics on it in her presence
...just tune her out for a second, staying upbeat, and take out the paper, make your notes, and then slip it back in your jacket.
She might ask what it was...just say "I am just working on something, its no big deal"
Leave the jacket in the room, go to the bathroom...watch to see if she peeks at the note...she might, she might not...don't get discouraged if she doeesn't.
That's a SAMPLE of how to intrigue her without giving away your game. You don't need to do this letter by letter, its just a sample for you to understand what we are talking about.
Also, if she DOES go to your coat to read it, interrupt her. Just walk in and keep things casual and upbeat, she would likely pretend she was just moving your jacket or something.
If youkeep her from seeing the note, she will WANT to read it even MORE.
Keep them guessing, keep them wanting more.
Split as soon as you can after something like this happens. You have her.
wow you guys are brilliant. thank you. do you guys go on AOL IM at all ? it would be awesome if you guys could help me in real time sometime. i'm not talking about turning into a crisis hotline 24/7 or anything. it just sucks having to wait all day til someone posts here.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
PDT, X=$300 more than i'm giving her. I'm not obligated (as per lawyer) to pay mortgage since i'm not living there, and i'm not using utilities there either, since i'm not there. X includes child support and spousal support. i was paying half of the mortgage, daycare, diapers/food/toys/doctor visits. x comes to almost $300 more than that.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
