Ken's situation - Live-in WAW

[steady]

Hi sandi, thanks for stopping by. You are one of the people whose opinions I hold in high regard. I have read many of your posts here.


I realized I had a very unhealthy attachment to my wife and then realized I needed to break it. My self worth was attached to what I thought she thought about me. If she is acting this way toward me, I must be no good. Issues that go back to my childhood. Tough stuff to break through. But I'm working feverently to get through.

Hi Ken,

I am so glad that the in-laws are out of the house! I can tell you from personal experience that that will put stress on the best of marriages! I can imagaine the MIL trying to super impose her child rearing techniques on your W and it causing so much anguish on her. She probably took a lot of her frustration about her parents out on you b/c she couldn't do it on her parents. That may be why she was drinking, too. I am concerned about her drinking since her dad is an alcoholic.

In laws aren't out yet, but she said something about them possibly closing in 3 weeks (which is quick in NY) so that would be great. Just around the time I should be getting back into the house after a 4 day family reunion in FLA that I am going alone to. The situation definitely deteriorated quickly after in-laws moved in. I wasn't meeting her needs before that but it became a train wreck after they moved in and we were in MC.

I worry about her drinking also. She didn't drink at the wedding to support me. When we met I didn't drink so she gave it up too. Went like that for years. When we started to drink together our relationship definitely began to spiral. I even mentioned this to her a few times in the past few months, and most recently in MC last saturday. I think she sees it also.

She indicated to me when I come back into the house (that's been the plan all along) she would not be drinking in order to support me.

Anyway, it sounds like things are really going well and I'm not just saying that to make you feel good.....it really is looking terrific. I know you are focused on your medication and how it is affecting you, etc. That is normal to be that way. But, it is normal to feel most of what you are going through, also. So, don't worry about not being on the right meds or having everything balanced out until the M is more settled. You are on such a rollercoaster right now that it would be almost impossible for your doctor to be able to balance your nerves and emotions. Working out will help with the nervous energy and maybe you should do that before you go to a special event, see your wife, or even go home to sleep at night. I would think it would help you rest a lot better and sleep.

I too think things are going well right now. The best part is I'm not looking for the other shoe to drop - and that's a BIG one for me. Thanks for the reassurance.

I have wondered how much of my distress was being caused by the sitch itself and how much of it was caused by a chemical imbalance. The funny thing it I was put on new meds last saturday, the day after my wife asked for a 2 week break, and by sunday I was working my a$$ off at detaching. Between the two I got into a much better place. So it's impossible to say if it was the meds, the revised mindset, or a combination of them both.

At this point I don't care...lol. Just that the combination is working for me.

The only problem I have right now is that there is no plan after the two week trial. I guess there is a hoop I need to jump through in order for her to want me back in the house, and I'm not sure what that hoop is. I know I was acting very unstable for the past few weeks and that was stressing her out alot. I'm not in that same place now, but not sure how she is going to gauge that. I guess interactions like the one we had today at the wedding will be her thermometer.

Obsessing over the stitch is perfectly normal. You know that by reading all the other posts from LBS. Be thankful that your W does not have another man that she is involved with. I think the R was breaking down due to the stress level of having in-laws in the house and that you was not filling her emotional needs. As long as she has that, she will be okay.

I agree about the obsessing being normal. I have seen so many LBS who went through it also. It was paralyzing me in every area of my life, and when my wife saw this it was very unattractive. I had to get it under control. So far this week it seems to be. But I'm not living in the house with a constant reminder of seeing her and interacting with her alot.

Take a day at a time. Don't press her. Don't panic over little things. Everyone goes through this. Having your medical problem doesn't help, but it is not all due to the bi-polar and depression.....okay? You are being perfectly normal when it comes to these types of circumstances.

I realize my 'breaking down' was causing alot of pressure on her. So I think all that pressure has been removed with me being out of the house, plus the fact that I feel so much more balanced and congruent. PMA is shining through very well. I'm learning about not panicking over little things. Thanks again for the reminder about that. Sometimes it feels overwhelming the amount of things we have to absorb and put into action. Reminders are always welcome by me.

I do beg you not to drink any more. It is so dangerous while taking the meds you are on. And, I hope you will not go into an out-patient treatment as long as the meds are working this well. I am not an expert, but I just don't like the sound of that. Don't let the counselor talk you or the W into doing something you are comfortable with. Do what your medical doctor advises.

I think everything is going to be fine. Just give it time.

Take care of yourself and don't focus on negative thoughts.

Sandi

The drinking is done. If I drink again I deserve to lose my wife. Outpatient isn't even an option right now. If these meds weren't working I would consider it only because they would monitor meds on a daily basis rather than a weekly one. Also I could get intense therapy that way too. Just not an option right now.

Negative thoughts - I have my trusty rubber band snapping on my wrist

Thanks again Sandy. It's so nice to have people who are veterans here looking in and giving advice and support. This truly is a great community.

Ken