It is amazing how similar our situation is, that is to say, the pain I've put W through all the years, and now wanting to try and make it up.
My W seems to be confused as well, however, the signal of wanting to D always seems to be stronger. When she acts that way, I start getting depressed and confused, even to the point where I can't work. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.
I've trying to grasp this principle: It is niced to be loved, accepted and forgiven, however, as we know not everyone is capable of doing that. In affect, the way I see it, if my wife is unable to forgive me of my past failures, I question the love that she may or may not of ever had for me.
To me it is black and white, we try and grow together building on any good we had and enjoy the otherside of going through the rough times, or quit and hold to the regrets and negative feelings that have to been clinged to in order to go through a D.
I believe that when someone wants a divorce especially when children are involved ( unless there is unresolved abuse, infidility, or something else that can be hazordous) demostrates at some level "selfishness".
You mention "blame". That is something I'm dealing with as well. I've been councled that I must release "blame". As long as I carry it around in my spirit, it will manifest itself to those around me especially my W. It cripples your ability to be the fun loving, care free happy man your wife married.
I have one secret to share with you. It has helped me when I'm consistant with it. My W has been wanting a D for months now, but at this point she hasn't gone through with it and I believe one big reason is this one seamingly simple principle >>>> "A women never leaves a happy man!".
So be happy, joyful in any circumstance you find yourself in! Don't have serious talks, don't try to reason, don't tell her How much you need Her. If she is really wanting a D., it will just make her lose respect for you.
So Be Happy! Even if she leaves and never gives you the " i need you, and want you again message." you must be happy! After all, what good is it to be any other way.
PS after doing this for several weeks consistantly, my W was thinking that I was leaving, and hugged me and said, I've never been more attrated to you. Since then, I let things slip in get back in my old " try and control the situation mode" and our relationship is slipping again.... therefore I'm going to get focused again, and not critize, complain, grip, try and reason, or beg..... just be happy.
I wish the best for you.... I glad to know someone has a similar situation... perhaps it can turn out good for both of us.
