I am so glad that the in-laws are out of the house! I can tell you from personal experience that that will put stress on the best of marriages! I can imagaine the MIL trying to super impose her child rearing techniques on your W and it causing so much anguish on her. She probably took a lot of her frustration about her parents out on you b/c she couldn't do it on her parents. That may be why she was drinking, too. I am concerned about her drinking since her dad is an alcoholic.
Anyway, it sounds like things are really going well and I'm not just saying that to make you feel good.....it really is looking terrific. I know you are focused on your medication and how it is affecting you, etc. That is normal to be that way. But, it is normal to feel most of what you are going through, also. So, don't worry about not being on the right meds or having everything balanced out until the M is more settled. You are on such a rollercoaster right now that it would be almost impossible for your doctor to be able to balance your nerves and emotions. Working out will help with the nervous energy and maybe you should do that before you go to a special event, see your wife, or even go home to sleep at night. I would think it would help you rest a lot better and sleep.
Obsessing over the stitch is perfectly normal. You know that by reading all the other posts from LBS. Be thankful that your W does not have another man that she is involved with. I think the R was breaking down due to the stress level of having in-laws in the house and that you was not filling her emotional needs. As long as she has that, she will be okay.
Take a day at a time. Don't press her. Don't panic over little things. Everyone goes through this. Having your medical problem doesn't help, but it is not all due to the bi-polar and depression.....okay? You are being perfectly normal when it comes to these types of circumstances.
I do beg you not to drink any more. It is so dangerous while taking the meds you are on. And, I hope you will not go into an out-patient treatment as long as the meds are working this well. I am not an expert, but I just don't like the sound of that. Don't let the counselor talk you or the W into doing something you are comfortable with. Do what your medical doctor advises.
I think everything is going to be fine. Just give it time.
Take care of yourself and don't focus on negative thoughts.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi sandi, thanks for stopping by. You are one of the people whose opinions I hold in high regard. I have read many of your posts here.
I realized I had a very unhealthy attachment to my wife and then realized I needed to break it. My self worth was attached to what I thought she thought about me. If she is acting this way toward me, I must be no good. Issues that go back to my childhood. Tough stuff to break through. But I'm working feverently to get through.
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Hi Ken,
I am so glad that the in-laws are out of the house! I can tell you from personal experience that that will put stress on the best of marriages! I can imagaine the MIL trying to super impose her child rearing techniques on your W and it causing so much anguish on her. She probably took a lot of her frustration about her parents out on you b/c she couldn't do it on her parents. That may be why she was drinking, too. I am concerned about her drinking since her dad is an alcoholic.
In laws aren't out yet, but she said something about them possibly closing in 3 weeks (which is quick in NY) so that would be great. Just around the time I should be getting back into the house after a 4 day family reunion in FLA that I am going alone to. The situation definitely deteriorated quickly after in-laws moved in. I wasn't meeting her needs before that but it became a train wreck after they moved in and we were in MC.
I worry about her drinking also. She didn't drink at the wedding to support me. When we met I didn't drink so she gave it up too. Went like that for years. When we started to drink together our relationship definitely began to spiral. I even mentioned this to her a few times in the past few months, and most recently in MC last saturday. I think she sees it also.
She indicated to me when I come back into the house (that's been the plan all along) she would not be drinking in order to support me.
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Anyway, it sounds like things are really going well and I'm not just saying that to make you feel good.....it really is looking terrific. I know you are focused on your medication and how it is affecting you, etc. That is normal to be that way. But, it is normal to feel most of what you are going through, also. So, don't worry about not being on the right meds or having everything balanced out until the M is more settled. You are on such a rollercoaster right now that it would be almost impossible for your doctor to be able to balance your nerves and emotions. Working out will help with the nervous energy and maybe you should do that before you go to a special event, see your wife, or even go home to sleep at night. I would think it would help you rest a lot better and sleep.
I too think things are going well right now. The best part is I'm not looking for the other shoe to drop - and that's a BIG one for me. Thanks for the reassurance.
I have wondered how much of my distress was being caused by the sitch itself and how much of it was caused by a chemical imbalance. The funny thing it I was put on new meds last saturday, the day after my wife asked for a 2 week break, and by sunday I was working my a$$ off at detaching. Between the two I got into a much better place. So it's impossible to say if it was the meds, the revised mindset, or a combination of them both.
At this point I don't care...lol. Just that the combination is working for me.
The only problem I have right now is that there is no plan after the two week trial. I guess there is a hoop I need to jump through in order for her to want me back in the house, and I'm not sure what that hoop is. I know I was acting very unstable for the past few weeks and that was stressing her out alot. I'm not in that same place now, but not sure how she is going to gauge that. I guess interactions like the one we had today at the wedding will be her thermometer.
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Obsessing over the stitch is perfectly normal. You know that by reading all the other posts from LBS. Be thankful that your W does not have another man that she is involved with. I think the R was breaking down due to the stress level of having in-laws in the house and that you was not filling her emotional needs. As long as she has that, she will be okay.
I agree about the obsessing being normal. I have seen so many LBS who went through it also. It was paralyzing me in every area of my life, and when my wife saw this it was very unattractive. I had to get it under control. So far this week it seems to be. But I'm not living in the house with a constant reminder of seeing her and interacting with her alot.
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Take a day at a time. Don't press her. Don't panic over little things. Everyone goes through this. Having your medical problem doesn't help, but it is not all due to the bi-polar and depression.....okay? You are being perfectly normal when it comes to these types of circumstances.
I realize my 'breaking down' was causing alot of pressure on her. So I think all that pressure has been removed with me being out of the house, plus the fact that I feel so much more balanced and congruent. PMA is shining through very well. I'm learning about not panicking over little things. Thanks again for the reminder about that. Sometimes it feels overwhelming the amount of things we have to absorb and put into action. Reminders are always welcome by me.
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I do beg you not to drink any more. It is so dangerous while taking the meds you are on. And, I hope you will not go into an out-patient treatment as long as the meds are working this well. I am not an expert, but I just don't like the sound of that. Don't let the counselor talk you or the W into doing something you are comfortable with. Do what your medical doctor advises.
I think everything is going to be fine. Just give it time.
Take care of yourself and don't focus on negative thoughts.
Sandi
The drinking is done. If I drink again I deserve to lose my wife. Outpatient isn't even an option right now. If these meds weren't working I would consider it only because they would monitor meds on a daily basis rather than a weekly one. Also I could get intense therapy that way too. Just not an option right now.
Negative thoughts - I have my trusty rubber band snapping on my wrist
Thanks again Sandy. It's so nice to have people who are veterans here looking in and giving advice and support. This truly is a great community.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
The only problem I have right now is that there is no plan after the two week trial. I guess there is a hoop I need to jump through in order for her to want me back in the house, and I'm not sure what that hoop is. I know I was acting very unstable for the past few weeks and that was stressing her out alot. I'm not in that same place now, but not sure how she is going to gauge that. I guess interactions like the one we had today at the wedding will be her thermometer.
Ken, you are correct here. Stop worrying about his for now. Continue to do what you are doing.
I am very proud of the way you are handling things. I see many positives from the interaction you had with your W. We have talked some about triggers. Recognize what may be a trigger for for you and think about what may be a trigger fro your W. How you handle these triggers lots of times=how you handle the sitch..in other words, triggers(emotions) can lead to R talks..we want to stay away from that until your W is ready.
MfT - Thanks. I've been letting it go and figure I'd deal with it when it comes up. We are scheduled for our next MC on Monday 8/4 which will be the end of the two weeks. The funny thing is I've noticed the hoops I've had to jump through are moving targets.
When she first tried to throw me out, her biggest complaint was I didn't help her around the house and with the kids as much as she needed. I immediately changed that and started to do everything...lol. Pendulum swung too far over. This bothered her, (new hoop) so I backed off to a happy medium.
Then she complained I wasn't being patient enough. Changed that. Then it was I was obsessing over fixing marriage (new hoop) Put all the books into a box and into garage. Then it was something else (new hoop). Changed that. Then something else, etc... A constantly moving target.
I did realize these she was actually showing me the things I needed to change in order for her to be happier. These 'complaints' are actually my answer on the things I need to work on. When I started to REALLY pay attention to what she was saying to me, I saw there were diamonds in there that I needed to pluck out.
I'll work on the triggers. Identifying them and figuring out ways to deal with them.
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I am very proud of the way you are handling things. I see many positives from the interaction you had with your W.
This is a big compliment. Thanks. I've learned alot reading around the boards and your advice has helped me tremendously even before you ever posted on my thread. Distressed has been a great help. Sandi2 also.
Watching others go through the same stuff and seeing the feedback given to them where they went right/wrong has taught me so many lessons.
Wifey - I hope today is a great day for you too
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Hi Ken, thank you for your sweet words. I am flattered that you read my posts.
I guess I got in too big of a hurry to get the in-laws out of the house...lol. I know I repeat myself a lot...bad habit of mine, but I really, really believe that this was the "icing on the cake" that made things come to a head in the breakdown of the MR. Don't put all the blame on yourself. I have had somebody in the house with me all of our 42 years except for maybe a total of .....I'd say 3 years. It gets hard. When it is your kids, it's normal b/c that is just the way it suppose to be. But, when it is anybody else....it is going to put a strain on the MR. Especially.......especially in-laws! Even if you are on good terms with them, it is just hard on the marriage. I still think that it was a bad combination of your meds needing to be adjusted or changed, you not giving your wife the emotional needs your W was empty of, and the stress of in-law interference. So, I think the break from of all this will be the best thing for your M. Don't look at it as a S......just a much needed break for both of you. Besides, it gives you that much more time for the meds to get you balanced out (BTW, it seems like they are doing a wonderful job!) and it gives you that much time to work on your personal improvements/habits....right? Right!
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I realized I had a very unhealthy attachment to my wife and then realized I needed to break it. My self worth was attached to what I thought she thought about me. If she is acting this way toward me, I must be no good. Issues that go back to my childhood. Tough stuff to break through. But I'm working feverently to get through.
I don't know that I ever had an unhealthy attachment (except of course with the OM), but I can understand what you are talking about by measuring you self worth by how another person acts toward you. It is tough stuff to break through! Also, I think both of us tend to lean toward thinking more on the negative side than the positive and that is one reason for you waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems that there is always some kind of trouble or drama around in my family and if I'm not careful, I catch myself thinking, "It's about time for something to happen", or if it does....I'm not too surprised. That's not really good for us to think like that, so I will join you in trying harder to be more of a positive thinker! I never have suffered with bi-polar, but I do understand depression, and it is hard to be a positive thinker when you have that to deal with. But, back to basing your self-worth on another person's actions toward you going back to your childhood. I was raised under the influence of two strong women that felt that a person had to do everything based on what other people would think about them. Then, I married a man, at 18 years old, who was the same way. So, I have felt as though I have not only lived in a glass house my entire life, but that every action I did was going to be "judged" by somebody.....didn't know who....but "somebody" out there. One advantage of getting older (and thank God, there are a few...lol) is that you begin to get to a place that you are not quite as concerned about what others think. Well, I'll take that back! B/c my grandmother died, bless her heart, still caring too much about what other people thought about her. Therefore, I have worked hard to not allow that to happen to me. When I got Fibromyalgia and was missing a lot of work, I was treated very coldly by my co-workers b/c they did not understand how the Fibro worked on a person, so they didn't really believe anything was wrong with me. When I miss...it puts a strain on them at the office. So, I begin to let that brother me a lot and my self-esteem begin to suffer due to how I was allowing their behavior affect me. I realize that they can't make me feel bad about missing work b/c I am sick, unless I allow them to make me feel bad about it. One of the girls in payroll really messed up some checks and when the bookkeeper caught it and called her hand on it....she just laughed about it. Well, I would have beaten myself up until I was sick, wondering what others must think about me! So, sweetie, I do understand how that is! I also realize, as I said, we are the ones that enable others to make us feel bad about ourselves......but as you said, it is hard to break through that stuff.
I can see that you are a natural born "worry wort"...lol, so my advice is for you to be prepared mentally and physically for what you know is coming...as best as you can, but don't allow yourself to worry. That is how you deal with it. You do the best you can! That is how we get through this life. When we give our best......what more can we do? If it isn't good enough......we still couldn't do better if we did our best at that particular time....right? I have also learned to try to live my life as unto the Lord (as the Bible says). In other words, if I feel like if I've done my best for Him, nobody else's opinion matters. Even if you aren't a Believer, it a good way to live b/c we sure aren't going to please people!
I am very proud of how you are handling yourself during this break. You are indeed making the most out of it. You are working on your health and your self improvements. You are getting a life....oh, gosh but that is important. It helps to keep that depression down by getting a life. That is one thing that has gone against me not being able to do the things I once did. So, you keep your plans to go to the family reunion, and if anyone asks why your W isn't with you.......don't worry about it or what they may be thinking.....just be prepared with what your answer will be, okay?
You want to know something? You have inspired me! That is the truth. You are going to get better and better as you are waiting for in-laws to move out.....so you are using that to your advantage instead of getting all upset about it. And you are making the most of your break and resolving to do better when you get back home. Yes, I think your medication is doing a wonderful job, but I don't think it is all the meds.....I think it is you! So, pat yourself on your back for me, b/c you deserve it.....and you deserve to feel good about yourself. The medication does help us deal better and keep us more balanced, etc., but we have to help ourselves. If a person just lays down and tries to quit and give up on life....then medication doesn't always do much for them due to their mental attitude. So, you've got the right mental attitude....the meds are just helping out.
I admire you. I think we are going to be good friends. You have been an inspiration to me. Keep up the good work.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
MfT - Thanks. I've been letting it go and figure I'd deal with it when it comes up. We are scheduled for our next MC on Monday 8/4 which will be the end of the two weeks. The funny thing is I've noticed the hoops I've had to jump through are moving targets.
When she first tried to throw me out, her biggest complaint was I didn't help her around the house and with the kids as much as she needed. I immediately changed that and started to do everything...lol. Pendulum swung too far over. This bothered her, (new hoop) so I backed off to a happy medium.
Then she complained I wasn't being patient enough. Changed that. Then it was I was obsessing over fixing marriage (new hoop) Put all the books into a box and into garage. Then it was something else (new hoop). Changed that. Then something else, etc... A constantly moving target.
I did realize these she was actually showing me the things I needed to change in order for her to be happier. These 'complaints' are actually my answer on the things I need to work on. When I started to REALLY pay attention to what she was saying to me, I saw there were diamonds in there that I needed to pluck out.
I'll work on the triggers. Identifying them and figuring out ways to deal with them.
Quote:
I am very proud of the way you are handling things. I see many positives from the interaction you had with your W.
This is a big compliment. Thanks. I've learned alot reading around the boards and your advice has helped me tremendously even before you ever posted on my thread. Distressed has been a great help. Sandi2 also.
Watching others go through the same stuff and seeing the feedback given to them where they went right/wrong has taught me so many lessons.
Wifey - I hope today is a great day for you too
Ken the targets will always keep moving. She is confused and does not know what she want. Being able to figure it out is great because they will throw alot of conflicting things at you.
Eveything seemed to go well yesterday, keep it up. Focus on the positives and ignore the negatives for now. She will fluxuate back and forth the key is not to back slide. (do as I say not as I do )
Distressed - lol at do as I say not as I do...hehe
My dad used to say that to me growing up.
Yesterday was nice. I had a really good time and felt really good about myself.
W asked me last night if I could take a ride past the house her parents are buying and check out a low spot in the yard that seems to stay wet. The funny thing is my brother told me this morning - I don't care if the roof is falling off, just tell her the house is perfect for her parents that way you get them out of the house. Made me laugh good.
So I checked out the house and called her figuring I'd just cover the details then get off. Well she starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff. Mostly chit chat but I could sense she didn't want to get off the phone. We would have a silence then she would start up a new subject. This is big since most of the phone conversations over the past few weeks involved her getting off rather quickly and I could feel it. My son was even pestering her and she kept telling him to go play. She used to use that as a 'reason' to get off the phone. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes.
She also said, "I had a really nice time with you last night. Even though parts were uneventful (slow spots during the reception where I asked her if she wanted to thumb wrestle and she pulled out a deck of cards... we were laughing) it picked up when we started dancing and it was a fun night."
Good positive stuff.
I thought she might do a pull-away today, didn't expect it just thought it might happen, but it seems like it didn't.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Distressed - lol at do as I say not as I do...hehe
My dad used to say that to me growing up.
Yesterday was nice. I had a really good time and felt really good about myself.
W asked me last night if I could take a ride past the house her parents are buying and check out a low spot in the yard that seems to stay wet. The funny thing is my brother told me this morning - I don't care if the roof is falling off, just tell her the house is perfect for her parents that way you get them out of the house. Made me laugh good.
So I checked out the house and called her figuring I'd just cover the details then get off. Well she starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff. Mostly chit chat but I could sense she didn't want to get off the phone. We would have a silence then she would start up a new subject. This is big since most of the phone conversations over the past few weeks involved her getting off rather quickly and I could feel it. My son was even pestering her and she kept telling him to go play. She used to use that as a 'reason' to get off the phone. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes.
She also said, "I had a really nice time with you last night. Even though parts were uneventful (slow spots during the reception where I asked her if she wanted to thumb wrestle and she pulled out a deck of cards... we were laughing) it picked up when we started dancing and it was a fun night."
Good positive stuff.
I thought she might do a pull-away today, didn't expect it just thought it might happen, but it seems like it didn't.
Ken
Ken this is all good. No expectations and patience are the words now. Keep doing what you are doing.
I want to thank you for ht compliments you have paid me. I am no expert by any means but with the help of my STBX, my C and some self introspection I have discovered myself and have now changed a lot of things for the better...I also had help from the fine people here..Sofaraway, Sandi(I read her posts and consider her a great asset to these boards) Forrest Gump-especially when he dumbs it down for me- and many more people here who I have learned from..
Your W's contact has been really good. As far as moving targets, one thing I like..you're adjusting..She tells you her complaints, you make an adjustment, if you go to far then you make an adjustment..that's all part of this..try something, observe, if it does not work try something new..
Keep going Ken..you are doing absolutely amazing in my opinion.
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