So when I drop him off tonight I tell her she's making mistakes but I'll be fine either way ? Or do I wait til it comes up again?
I really have to drive this point home :
If you tell her anything counter to her position you are going to force her to DIG IN HARDER. The more you push her, the more RESOLVED TO LEAVE she is going to get.
If you tell her what YOU think...she is NOT going to care. You are PAIN to her rightnow, just a reminder of a LOT of pain.
Do you think she dind't do any crying before she left you? Do you think she just one day flipped a switch inside that said pack your bags?
She likely was miserable for months and got sick of it and did what she did from that setup. BAD choice on her part, lots of other choices, write you a letter, counselling, ask parents for advice, go to http://www.divorcebusting and get anonymous advice from marriage friendly people, etc. She doesn't want to hear what you think.
She needs hope and safety. Right now she doesn't have any hope for you two and she doenst feel safe talking to you.
She WANTS both of those, but she just doens't have the confidence yet. that takes time.
Don't push her, dont tell her what you think. You can leave thoughts around and let themlinger, best left through someone ELSE...but if you confront her, you are going to give her anoher reason to keep walking in the other directoin from you.
When was hte last time SHE initiated a discussion about your relatoinsihp? And I don't mean about sep papers or the OM or what she wants out of life, I mean about how she feels about the TWO OF YOU and the future? When was the last time you let HER bring that up?
Give her a chance to breathe...you are suffocating her.
I will however answer your question.
If she DOES ask how you feel about her wanting a divorce, which i really doubt would come up by HER initiative, I would tell her that "our pastor really would love to hear from you and help you and I both through this rather than us going at it alone without any experienced guidance."
Don't tell her what you think or feel, tell her what someone she MIGHT LISTEN TO feels.
If she wont listen to ANYONE then you need to let her breathe until she does want to hear from someone.
If you can get her parents to go to a marriage counselling seminar and talk to the counsellor about how THEy can help THEIR DAUGHTER that would be GREAT.
I honeslty think her parents need some education. Don't go at this alone, she if they would be willing to educate themselves on what they can do to help.
And my last point :
I have said this before, but I will try again. Do NOT let her BAIT you into a destructive conversation. SIDESTEP IT.
If she says "you had better get used to this divorce, its gonna happen" just ignore it.
If she tells you to "accept it or that you aren't the man of her dreams" just ignore it and talk about something else.
You don't have to accept the parameters of the conversation she sets up. You can CHANGE it into something constructive.
You want to get yourself ready to reply to what she has to say, I am telling you to stop playing her game in the first place. Its a trap.
Live your own life, own your conversation, don't just react to the garbage she offers, and let her feel safe around you.
EVERY INTERACTION should leave her feeling closer to you.
Telling her you dont care either way is NOT going to help your case.
Telling her thank you for your beautiful son will. I can think of a million things to throw at her that will floor her inside, you wont see a blink from her, but it will just stop her anger cold.
LOVE beats hatred and anger. Just let her feel loved, and part of loving her is giving her the patience and time she needs to get where you both want to be.
ok good one here. just dropped our son off at our house....we sat on the porch and talked for 20 minutes. stupid stuff, how our days are etc. i said something funny and she said "get out" (as in "no way!") and i said "already did" (as in i moved out) she got quiet and said well you can have the house if you want i guess....so i took the opportunity to tell her I think she should stay there, i know she is afraid at night of being alone but one way to overcome that is to try to stick it out, keep busy til she's ready to close her eyes, etc. she didn't lash out or comment after that.........she took what I said to heart. in closing i said it was nice to talk to her and "thank you for a beautiful son. i am blessed"
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
awesome points though mark and PDT, thank you....after the past couple days i needed a punch in the face....a smack wasn't working anymore. she feels comfortable around me...told me to have a good night and it was good to see me
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
mark you said you can think of a million things to throw at her that will floor her inside. can i have a list of the other 999,999 ? i thanked her for a beautiful son
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
When I said for you to make it clear how you feel, I didn't mean go seek her out and TELL her. In fact, you already HAVE told her. I meant more like IN CONTEXT -- like Mark says, when it comes up -- do not minimize or "it's okay" her infidelity or her decision-making.
But certainly don't go picking a fight.
I meant to DEMONSTRATE that you're not okay with what she's doing, but DEMONSTRATE that YOU will be okay.
i understand PD. i didn't seek her out; I was there and she brought it up. She knows now I am living life whether she's in it or not. I was simply giving her friendly insight into her living situation options.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
she makes a habit of discussing (or trying to) matters involving the house or separation over the phone or through text messages, so I figured since she brought it up in person, I would share the fact that I think it would be a shame to let the house go to waste when she's already there.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
