I wish I could change the title of this thread. Is it better to keep one thread going or to start another one. Maybe I'll just keep the two going.
It has been another amazing day. Amazing, but, also filled with more emotion than I've experienced in a while. I feel like some walls inside finally breached and stuff has come flowing out.
KJo, you were right, I have some anger. I spent the better part of my commute home going round and round and getting angrier and angrier and this feeds into a very scary and dangerous part of me. I interrupted this pattern by stopping on the way home to run an errand.
I just want to throw my hands up in the air. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm hopeful. I'm sad. I'm tired. I want to do things that I refuse to write.
How do I decide what to do? How do I decide when to stop? The info I have tells a certain story to me, but, W denies getting pregnant and denies having an affair. It sure looks to me like she needed to go have an abortion and that she is having an affair. What if I'm right? What if I'm wrong? Do I have to ignore all that?
She said it was over because of my snooping, but, that she can't see a lawyer until the kids are in school. Things have been much calmer and more normal since her pronouncement. The couple of days she was here without all the tension makes me want to try. Thinking about her going to the clinic and having an affair make me want to kick her to the curb and get on with my life without her. What if I could have a great life with her? How long should I try for that? I've put so much life into this relationship for so long, I'm worn out with trying. If not for these things, I could probably still generate the enthusiasm for DBing. But, I can't pretend these other things are just my imagination. If she was working on this too, I could keep on. I just keep thinking that from the beginning of our relationship if there was a problem, it was ultimately my fault. Now, I've changed completely and nothing seems to have changed in our R. From this, I conclude that I'm not the problem and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am the problem. I've spent 18 years working desperately to keep her. I've changed and grown originally to keep her. It often feels like I've done all the work for 18 years and I'm worn out. I don't have the energy for another marathon.
I suppose that I've become more selective about the bones that I respond to when she throws them. Still, if she threw the right bone, I'm sure I could find the energy. It's only that now, the bone is honestly working on our M and I don't see it.
I have an IC appt on Monday and until then I'm sure I'll be all over the map.
