my crazy mess part 3...

[sandi2]

Hi Sweetie (Christa....not you CorY) lol......Gee, hope I'm spelling my name correctly. How does.......never mind.

Okay Christa, how ya doing tonight? Let me reflect on a couple of things you said. Thanks again for answering my questions. It helps a lot.

First of all, I am upset, but not surprised, that the therapist or counselor did not go for saving the M. I have had a few experiences with counselors and some of them have very few college hours of actual "counseling"---according to what I have been told. Anyway, the majority will tell you to drop the spouse and go find whatever makes you happy. That is their answer to the problem. It is hard to find a pro-marriage solution based counselor! When I was in the mist of my EA with the man on-line.....I went to a psychiatrist/counselor/therapist....whatever she was suppose to be...and do you know that when I told her all the dirty little details of the stuff I was doing with OM on-line.....she said there was nothing wrong with that and I had not committed adultry. Well, my H sure felt like I had! I may not have had a PA with OM, but I might as well had--by what I was doing on that web cam! (Can't believe I just told that.) The reason I am saying this is not to cause you to lose confidence in your psychiatrist or therapist, but it is just to let you know that they are not always right and I think you are very smart and already know when they aren't going in the right direction for you. So I probably just spilled my guts for nothing....lol. Anyway, go with what you want.....and that is to save your M. If this new therapist does not agree or work with you on that one thing....I think you would be wasting your time to continue with her/him.

"and the only thing my mind races about is the H...go frekn figure"

Yes, I kind of know how that is. I have completely planned my H's funeral--when he starts rubbing his chest. But, I think in your case it is the stress combined with the grief you are still suffering from. You are scared of losing the next person you love. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that you would worry about him.

BTW, you never said if you are living alone or with a friend. I just got the idea that you lived alone, but at the same time I wonder if you are afraid of being "left" alone.....without anybody that you love.....or that loves you.

What you talked about your dad, it made me cry. It was so sweet. Then you told me about losing your cousin right after you dad. Christa, your fears must stem from all of this! It just has to. I feel so strongly about you getting help with all of this loss from a real psychiatrist and not mess around with anyone else. Hope you took that the way I meant it.

I don't know if I understood FG correctly or not. I think he said that you were too focused on the loss you have suffered. Maybe so, I don't know. However, I think you are trying hard to fill your life with family and friends.....filling some "void" there with activities. But, the emptiness is there and I don't think you can avoid it. You can't push it aside and pretend it doesn't affect your life b/c it does. I don't mean to just keep on "preaching" about the loss factor, but I think until you can get through this part of the grieving that you are going to struggle to find that person you once were. I personally believe experiencing that much at one time can change a person if they don't know how to handle it.....and I don't know anyone that would know how. I do know of one couple that lost both of their teenage children within a year's time. Their faith kept them from losing their minds. They were a real testimony to the community, but I'm pretty sure I would have gone insane. Okay, enough about that. Didn't mean to run a horse into the ground.

"My friend who is spiritual...wow, she is so Super-fantastic..."

I am so relieved to hear this b/c I was hoping that she was not from some "off the wall" cult. You know, I believe a person can be "religious" and not be "spiritual". And, I agree 100% with what you said. I am so happy that you have her. I hope you will allow her to continue to minister to you, b/c nobody can help the healing like God can. I think she will help you find the way there. Joel Osteen is good to listen to. I will tell you another preacher that is uplifting. I don't agree 100% with some of his doctrine, but never-the-less, he sure makes me feel good, and that is John Hagee. He comes on TBS (?) on Sunday afternoon. My favorite is Dr. Charles Stanley, which I agree with his teaching 100%. I would encourage you to listen to him. Well, I could talk about all that for a week.....lol.

"she is the one out of all who gets it...the other 3, simply say whatever makes you happy, we support you. The rest of my family say...get rid of the jerk, you'll be better in the long run...love that!(sarcasm noted)"

She is taking the right perspective POV. Your family wants you to stop hurting and they see the H causing your pain. I know where they are coming from since I have a daughter that was hurt in three different marriages. You can't help but feel that way when you are family. Friends often side with you and are against the spouse, or they will say "whatever makes you happy". The family just wants you to get away from him. So, it is probably best not to even bring up the subject of H and M when with family.

Well, I think I've talked this particular subject through pretty well. May come back to it more later. So, now we need to focus on your H and what to do.....hummmm. I think I am going to be forced into actually pulling a FB and go do some thinking on this one. (lol)

Christa, I have done a lot of talking and I appreciate you just listening and responding to me. You have my prayers, sweetie. I know you are in pain and are doing everything you know to do to find your way. I admire you for doing that and for not giving up. You will find your way.......never doubt that. You have suffered a lot of loss and very close together and at a young age. But, you have a future that will "give" back to you in other ways and give you other people. We all have to deal with the past and how it affects us, but we all need to look to the future and not dwell on the past. I think that is what you want to do......you've just got to work through all this stuff and it takes time (darn it).

I love your sense of humor. I think that is one thing that keeps you going. We are going to figure out how you can get that "personality" of yours going with your H. I know he likes it, but he is fighting his feelings. Maybe he is afraid also. Tell me....has he suffered losing anyone close to him, like you have? Is there anything in his past that would cause him to react to you the way he does.......by showing his anger the way he does? Or, do you think it is strickly the stitch itself?

Okay.....enough for tonight. I am going to put my thinking cap on.....if I can remember where I left it.

((Christa)) take care, sweetie. You are not alone.

Sandi