The Wifey - trying hard not to cry.

[steady]

Wifey I'm not sure how you're going to take this but I'm gonna say it to you.

You have an unhealthy connection to your husband that you need to cut. You need to take it out like a cancer. If you don't you will sabotage your efforts. You will continue to contact him under the guise of some other reason, like that guy dying. You will rationalize in your head how your sitch is somehow different than someone elses. How you can use parts of DB and discard the rest.

You're right, it is different. The specifics of everyone's situation is totally different. But listen to this next part carefully:

The DB method works in EVERY situation regardless of the specific circumstances.

I used to think my situation was different than everyone elses...and it was. My WAW was at home with me - I read so many other threads where they moved out so I thought I could piecemeal the DB method. Use what I thought was appropriate, and throw away the rest. I didn't detach. My neediness and clinging was oozing from me even though I was leaving her alone. Now I'm out of the house for at least 2 weeks, maybe more.

You are clingy and needy. Whether you speak it to him, email it to him, try to hide it from him, it will come out in your voice, your eyes, your body language, your speech. Heck, it will be read from across the room without you even saying anything.

YOU HAVE TO DETACH. You have to focus on yourself. His feelings and thoughts are HIS. You have absolutely no control over any of his feelings, his thoughts, or the situation in general.

However, you do have control (For the most part) over your thoughts and feelings.

Feelings follow thoughts. Whatever predominant thoughts you have in your head will dictate the feelings you have.

You need him to love you, you need him to tell you he is going to work on the M, you need him to hold you, you need.... why do you need this? To make yourself feel adequate? To make yourself feel worth something?

YOU ALREADY ARE ADEQUATE AND WORTH SOMETHING.

You don't NEED any of this. You WANT it. A need is different than a want. What you need to do is focus on yourself and stop trying to control him.

Your self esteem is taking a beating because you have attached it to what you perceive as your husband's opinion of you.

I'm telling you this from my own personal experience with my WAW. I realized I had an unhealthy attachment to her. A hook where it didn't belong. I was basing my self worth on how I thought she felt about me. This is totally unhealthy and giving my power away to someone else.

Since I've realized this I've been working my a$$ off to remove it. And the more I remove it, the better I feel. I am remembering the person I really am. The person she fell in love with. My confidence level has really raised quite a bit. Her opinion of me does not dictate my self worth. I refuse to give that much power to anyone. Not healthy to do it.

I also realized most of the sadness I was feeling was feeling sorry for myself. I had to stop that too. I was a pathetic mess...no wonder she asked for a break and for me to move out. It was way too much pressure on her. I started writing on these boards after I left the house - in hindsight I wish I had started interacting when I first found it. But my sitch was 'different'. It isn't.

Save your marriage. Detach. Pull that hook out and get rid of it.

((((Wifey))))

On a side note - did you grow up in an alcoholic family where either parent was a big drinker? I wish I could do a poll on these boards for this.

Ken