H called to ask him he could take my D to get a Jamba Juice and go for a drive...I said sure...what time will you guys be back. He said around 6:00 so I said...okay do you want to have dinner with us? He asks what I'm making and says okay, but I need to leave early because I have a potluck at work tomorrow and need to make a dish...I tell him I am going to the grocery store and ask him if he wants me to pick up the ingredients. At first he says no then says okay. I ask him if he wants me to make it and he says no he'll do it. So I go to the store, come home and make it for him anyway...make dinner for him, D and I and wait for them to get home. The get home right at 6:00...I fix H and D a plate and they eat. I let him know I made the chicken dish for his potluck tomorrow and he says...I didn't have to do that...blah blah blah. Anway, D eats and goes to her friends house so I ask H about his training. He explains to me how everything went...it was pretty interesting. Anyway, when he's done I put the moves on him....he says I only want him to come over so I can sexually harass him and then laughs. I ask him if my "harassment" bothers him..he says no. Sooooo...we mess around...it was great! We have to hurry cause D could come home however so when we're done we continue to talk. We are just chatting about stuff and he actually brings up our R. He says...I think it's great that you are working on yourself and all, but I like being alone. Okay so this feels like someone kicked me in the stomach, but I remain calm and say...well I can understand that...what do you like about being alone. He says...that he doesn't have to sit and wonder when someone is coming home anymore (I used to work late a lot), he can watch what he wants on TV...he's not on a time schedule. I say...you weren't on a time schedule when you were home...he says "maybe I put that on myself then". So he changes the subject and starts talking about how he will be coming over to get the rest of his stuff next week and he'll give me the key to the house. He also says I need to clean out the garage and that if I don't have a boyfriend soon he can put off a bug bomb in the garage to kill all the spiders. I say "do you actually thing I'm going to get a boyfriend?" to which he says it's none of his business. I say..."you really don't care if I find someone else?" He says that he can't worry about that kind of stuff anymore. I ask him if he is going to get a girlfriend then and he says "NO". I say so I suppose if you did it would be none of my business then. He says..."why would it be". I say I want it to be my business and he says why. I tell him because I love you and want you to be mine. So he says "what so if I told you I was going to find a gf you wouldn't love me anymore?" I say I would, but I would probably just give up. I then say "you are through with me aren't you" he responds by saying he doesn't want to work things out right now. I ask him if it would bother him if I had a boyfriend and he says "yes, because if this is truly who you are now...I would feel cheated". I say, why can't you have benefit of who I am now...he says he thinks too much has happened in our R. I say...that's not true and tell him I wish he wouldn't shut the door on us. He says he needs to go...and then says the reason he didn't want me to make the potluck dish for him was because he felt weird having me do things for him when we aren't together. I tell him I made it for him because I wanted to do something nice for him. He says "it meant a lot".
Somewhere in our conversation he also says he thinks that by having sex we are acting like "everything is okay". I tell him that isn't true...I know things aren't okay and I understand that he needs to be alone to find out what makes him happy. He says he needs to cut ties completely to find out if being alone is what he really wants. I say...so you don't want to be around me at all? He says the ever famous "I don't know". I also tell him other than our D he is the most important person in the world to me and if he said for us to be together I had to sell all my wordly goods, I wouldn't even hesitate, because he is so important to me. He says "that's not what you said when I told you I was moving...you immediately said you were keeping the house". I tell him I said that to hurt him. He says "it did...I felt like the only thing you cared about was the house". I said "well that's not the case".
Sooo...I walk him to the door...he starts to leave...I say "no kiss?" He turns around and I say...nevermind...if you don't want to I understand..then he leans in for me to kiss him.
WTF should I think about all this?????????????????????????
I am sooooo worried he is going to give his heart to someone else...I don't know what to do.
