Really upside down #2

[upside_downer]

[quote=Bworl]

Look, on the other hand, there's no need to be sitting by the phone waiting to hear from her and pouncing to a return call/message.

In a way, I felt good not feeling like I NEEDED to communicate with her. It felt empowering.....but was still kind of rooted in feeling like making her sweat.....dang.

Where is the casual, easy going you? You're still allowing this whole scene to consume you. You're overthinking, reaching for the magic pill in the form of a response or action that will make this all better.

Little by little, I'm becoming OK with it. It's the small things that have attachments of expectations that get to me. I'm learning how to deal with those and trying not to attach expectations.

Do you know yet that you will have a hell of a life without her if she chooses to end the marriage?

Yes. I like what I'm doing right now. I just have a void. But it's not like a void of emptiness. It's a void where something is dead and taking up space. I can't fix, fill, or really do anything about that void because I'm not the one calling the shots. She is. I would love to put something nice and fun into that void, but I can't because nothing will fit right now. Nothing like feeling like it would be fun to date, but not being able to because you have this nagging feeling in your head that it isn't the best thing to do right now. Unfortunately, having a partner is very important to me. I'm dealing with co-dependency.

Have you made yourself an even better man yet? How's your confidence level? Is it still being bogged down by her actions?

I'm a better man. Little by little. My confidence with everything else is in check. It's just this sitch that I struggle with. Things are not bogged by her actions. They are bogged by the crappy info I have from snooping. Then amplified by her actions/inactions.

I want to stop, but it feels like an addict. I'm obsessed with knowing the things she won't share with me so I take them. That's terrible.

So much indication in every little thing that she is done and just won't admit it. Not only that, but her cousin's H isn't helping. He feels we are not right for each other, and he has her ear (since he is 1 of 2 people that she trusts). He says little things like "your smile is back." Things he said when she met me. Things he means now that you are out of the house, now that you aren't dealing with him anymore and he's not really part of your life, your smile is back.

I can't battle that.

BTW, she read my mail. Just never responded. Now that is rude.