So, PDT or whoever else on here that is ultra smart about these kinds of things, I am asking the following:
1) what should I be saying when she mentions house hunting ?
2) what should I be saying when she mentions going to college ?
when she asks about me signing the sep. papers, I plan on telling her "i'm sorry you feel this way, but you're entitled to your own thoughts. I just want what's best for our family, and I don't believe divorce is it."
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I have made it clear to her (by my actions, not words) that what is happening to us isn't fazing me negatively. as far as she knows I'm fine with all of this (quite a change from when I was a sobbing mess and she wouldn't go anywhere near me or talk to me)
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
in the very beginning I attempted to make her realize she was making mistakes and I was expressing my supreme disappointment in her rash decision making. according to everyone here, bad idea. so I stopped mentioning it. she knows I love her and want to be with her; that doesn't change over a few weeks. however last I knew (weeks ago) I needed to "move on, accept how things were." She "cares about me as a person and the father of our son, but not as a husband. not in that way" there was, as MarkF said, that "breakdown" on the phone last sunday where she was crying while I was on the phone with her....who knows what that's about...obviously everyone on here wants to know what their spouse is thinking... if they're out having a good time and missing you too. in reality though, how can these kinds of things eat up one person inside and not the other ? lust and addiction. i know her head is warped; if she doesn't now, she will. if she doesn't, oh well.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
thanks PD; i know you get frustrated with me by the things I have done, like moving out, but if she left, my son would leave too, and I couldn't kick my toddler out of his own home and I wouldn't want to. i'm sorry. he isn't to blame for this. If i didn't work midnight to 8am and I could be primary caretaker overnights this story would be way different.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
where I live is the least of my problems. what has happened between us has happened. I can't change what she did, I did, or who I was. I am different now, different morals and different goals (and sober )that's step 1
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I have loved her for years and I'm not raising the white flag. If I have to stand by and raise our son while she is out screwing her head up more, so be it. like my in-laws said she has to make her own mistakes, i was foolish (like most) in trying to get her to "see the light" early on
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
thank you for the replies PDT. i'll try to be a bit less vague. W and I talk once a day on the phone, regarding picking up our son. the only conversations we have had regarding other things are the one I mentioned last night.
W : went with (couple) house hunting tonight. found a really nice place last night with a bunch of bedrooms
Me: why do they need so many bedrooms ?
W: Son and I would move in too. I CAN'T stay alone in our house. plus it would be so much cheaper than $X i'm paying now.
I would have ended it there, and said "Oh."
Your next sentence tries to problem-solve for her. I'd suggest not doing that.
I don't really have many conversations to go by. it's so stupid she can't just say his name. this "other party" [censored] is so petty. when she picks our son up, we put him in the car seat and we talk outside of the car for about 10 minutes every night. She just tells me about how work was going (applied for assistant manager). I of course seem interested and encouraging saying she's qualified for it.
Why do you feel the need to seem interested and encouraging? I'd recommend pulling back here -- keep it to small-talk and issues regarding your son.
btw, she probably says "other party" out of some semblance of respect for you, which I think is good, personally.
the last real conversation I had with her about our R was 2 or 3 weeks ago. I told her (mistakenly and backsliding) that she wasn't thinking straight, and if it was so easy for OM to waltz into our house and help wreck things, he could (and would) do it to her eventually. I told her I didn't want to see that happen. I told her there was a reason the R with OM didn't work the first time, and it wouldn't again. I realized when she told me I needed to talk to him to see how he really was, that she was brainwashed and I was just pushing her away. ever since that conversation, I haven't brought up jack about our R. when she asks how work was, I say great, when she asks how I've been, I say really good, stayin busy. I have avoided talking about R at all costs. up until last night's discussion involving "other party" there has been no talk of OM from either of us. meanwhile everyone keeps telling me to either give up or it's just a phase. to the people that tell me to give up I say, "you're not supposed to be telling people to give up when they're following their heart" they act shocked like they thought they were doing the right thing and they say "yeah you're right, sorry"
Buster,
If you had this convo to do over again, what do you think might have been a better way to handle it?
So, PDT or whoever else on here that is ultra smart about these kinds of things, I am asking the following:
1) what should I be saying when she mentions house hunting ?[/
Well, I don't know how "ultra smart" I am -- more like a knucklehead who's already made all the mistakes, last year, so maybe I'm a little wiser, but I'll take a crack at it:
I would say "Oh."
Quote:
2) what should I be saying when she mentions going to college ?
I would say (if you mean it, and it sounds like you do) "I think that's good." And no more.
Quote:
when she asks about me signing the sep. papers, I plan on telling her "i'm sorry you feel this way, but you're entitled to your own thoughts. I just want what's best for our family, and I don't believe divorce is it."
)that's step 1