my crazy mess part 3...

[christarn]

Sandi~

BiPolar~ Had a long talk with my psychiatrist about this...i have subtle signs of bipolar...but only one classic sign and that is the racing thoughts...and the only thing my mind races about is the H...go frekn figure!He rides a motorcycle...so here would have been an example of my thoughts (they have stopped with new med adjustment)H out drinking tonight, what if he wrecks, comes into the trauma center, we are still married, will his parents let me see him, oh God, who will sign consents, I'm a RN, i have legal rights still..we are still married, what if we have to go to court, because we are separated, what if OW, is there, what if he kills someone, what if he is killed, who will pay the bills, and the thoughts kept coming...i'm just happy the new med has made them stop!

I saw a therapist for well over a year...she is the one who lead me towards D/separation...I take full ownership for my choices...crazy thing, we never talked about my parents, and their death and how that could have been affecting my R with my H...isn't that a little fuc$ed up....so the psychiatrist (who my family doc just referred me to...had to wait 3 months to see him...yes he's that good; i work at our local medical ctr...he's very good and highly respected!!)is setting me up with a new therapist in his office...thing is her first opening isn't until after Aug 12th..and my schedule isn't out that far yet...so I'm in limbo until then....love that. So I'm ok with starting fresh with new IC, hoping she can bring some light to the table. I have already met her...she did a pre-lim interview with me the day I had my first meeting with my psychiatrist...I REALLY liked her...however, I don't know how she felt about me saving my R/M..her voice/tone changed when I started talking about it...guess we shall see. She asked why would I want to go back to a man like that...I said, religious convictions, what I did was wrong, and I love him very much...she was like...oh so ya love him huh?....WOW...But the pre-lim interview was only twenty minutes, she doesn't know the whole story, so we shall see...

My friend who is spiritual...wow, she is so Super-fantastic...we will call her LA, it's her name abbreviated! LA really turned me around in my religious aspects! I was born and raised catholic, but always sought a deeper, stronger connection with God. Catholicism, is great...if you want to show up once a week, and listen to an hour sermon...and not do a lot of anything else. And believe that if you die with any sin on your soul you will go straight to hell. (I am SOOOOOOOO sorry if i offend any catholics...just MHO!!! and I am still a practicing catholic!!) She (LA) just started talking to me about the bible, and reading scripture passages to me, and taught me that their are more religions out their other than catholicism. She also got me interested in Joel Osteen, who I adore. He has uplifted me so many times when I am down, I can not even count them anymore. LA and I on Sunday nights talk, then watch Joel, then call to discuss "church"...it is so awesome! She encourages me a lot...and helps that she "gets" DB...and why i am Standing for my R/M...her, my sister(yes only sibling) and one maybe another other friends really are the only people out of my friends/family that "get' why i am trying so hard to get my r/m back on track....she is the one out of all who gets it...the other 3, simply say whatever makes you happy, we support you. The rest of my family say...get rid of the jerk, you'll be better in the long run...love that!(sarcasm noted)

I guess I didn't know my dad until he died, he worked 6 12's and usually had other side jobs while i was growing up. Right after my mom died, he and I got sooooo close, we used to go cruising on his harley...people would look at us like he was my sugar daddy or something. He used to take me to the local bar, so i could drink and have a good time...he would drink iced tea and visit with the locals...then drive me home...God it was good...then one day he said "muppy(that's what he called me) it's sad my little girl is 23, and i'm just now getting know her"...yeah, it was really sad...he died a little over a year later, a month before he died my cousin(who i was really close to, she was a year younger than me) was killed suddenly in an auto accident....it was a tough tough time....i had time to prepare for my mom, and did really good grieving...but not my dad...that one has hit me like a mack truck, and i just didn't bounce back, and still haven't.

Group therapy...we don't really have anything like that, that i know of, i even looked in our chapel at work. i have had more than one person bring that up. I'm not bashful about my feelings, and i think going to this new IC, i will talk with her and how the old IC didn't talk to me about my parents death, and how their deaths affected my M...hopefully she will be able to shed light on all of it.

ok i hope i answered most of your questions...don't ever be afraid of being nosey...i'm a talker as well...it's what i do...i talk to people all day long, it's my job!

hugs sandi...
thanks for helping me, you're great!
christa