NikB #27 (still tentatively Piecing)

[NikB]

Thanks everyone!!

(((Trixi, Michelle, jak, ST))))

Trixi
Glad I made you laugh! I hope your computer screen cleaned up ok.

Michelle
Thanks so much! Yes, definitely working on building up those moments. More in a minute.

Jak
Definitely - he's thinking a lot, that's for sure.

ST
Exactly! It's not the best time, but it's also the time when you're most likely to forget to shut the heck up about the R stuff! That's a good point, I said something but I didn't make a huge deal out of either thing. Hmm I think you're on to something there.

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So, an update.

Are we finally starting to feel safe around each other, safe opening up? I think we just might be. Only a tiny bit, but it's progress and I'm excited. We're at very least testing the waters. This is a long story about rings, but it has a point, I promise.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but after the last bomb (last October), I took my ring off. Put it in the jewelry box. H took his off and it was in the little "cubby" in the dash of his truck for a long time. It made me kinda sad every time I'd watch him throw change or spare keys or whatever on top of it.

I got to where I actually hated my ring. I thought I'd never ever want to wear it again, even considered throwing it in the river, or melting it down and having earrings made or something. Every time I'd happen to see it in the jewelry box all I could think was "Oh great, reminder of the day I ruined H's life and set myself up for all this." I know.. it's not rational.. and I never allowed myself to dwell on it, but it popped into my head every time. I still had some hope for my M but I decided if we reconciled it needed to be a truly fresh start including new rings, if we ever got that far.

Something shifted last weekend. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt like it was "OK" and even good to be married to H. Like I really am committed to TRULY trying again. I've been knowing in my heart that I wanted to but soo scared and tentative. As I know many of you have seen and mentioned.

Monday, I put my ring back on. It felt weird. It's been a long time. It felt like when we first got engaged. Noticing little things like the diamonds reflecting on the roof of the car, ring finger getting caught when I put my hand in my pocket.. just things that I noticed. It felt weird but really good. I can look at the ring, on my hand, and think about my H and be happy. I know this will sound odd to many of you, but those who "get it" will totally relate.

So... fast forward to last night. We've had a good but tiring week. I was doing 50 gazillion things and H came in and asked what the plan for dinner was (in a good way, not a "where's my dinner woman" kinda way.. I know that might not come across well here). I said I wasn't sure and ran a few ideas past him. He took my hand and said "How 'bout [our favorite pizza place] instead?" I said OMG I'm so sick of chores, I know I'll get further behind but that sounds GREAT. He grinned and said "I thought it might!"

We took my car... top down, stereo going, absolutely perfect warm Sacramento summer night. Something that we both love. I was loving the moment, just soaking it in.

H reached for my hand - which he's been doing a lot lately while we're driving places. Almost as soon as his hand touched mine he kinda - I dunno - flinched isn't the word because it sounds negative but that was the "movement." I could tell he noticed my ring. He pulled my hand towards him and looked at it, then kinda rubbed/squeezed my ring finger a bit. Then he said "So you're wearing your ring huh?" I just said yes, didn't elaborate, kept enjoying the night.

Then he says "I wore mine for awhile earlier this week too." WOW... that shocked me. The timing CAN'T be purely coincidence can it?

I am kicking myself now (hindsight's 20/20 right?) because it was a great opportunity to lead into a non-threatening R talk, but I didn't. I said "Aww man, you did? I missed it!" ack. Not a BAD thing to say, just not ideal. He said "Yeah, I did. For a bit. I put it back in the jewelry box." We got to the place right then so I could have talked about it more, but it was a natural "break" too and we didn't talk more about it. On the good side, I didn't freak out about him taking it off or take it as an automatic negative. On the bad side, I wanted so badly to ask him why (and he seemed to practically be waiting for me to ask that question).. and I chickened out.

My GUESS, purely a guess, is that he's thinking hard about the M, put the ring on, and it wasn't quite "right" yet. I know the feeling, I've tried to wear mine a few times and it just didn't feel right.. like it was too soon. While I'm sad he took it back off, I think it's pretty significant that he put it in the jewelry box and not the "junk" cubby on the dash. The first time around he had it in the jewelry box while he was first feeling ambivalent, and when he decided he was "done" he took it to work and put it in his toolbox. It was important to him that it wasn't in the house. He told me all this at one point.. forget when but I remember the convo well. This time it's been in the truck since the bomb last fall.

So I'm trying not to read TOO much into it, but it feels like a step towards me/us. Another crazy coincidence - I was looking for a pair of earrings this morning and saw that he put his ring EXACTLY where my ring had been. It's a fairly large jewelry box - there were a lot of possible locations for it to go. I can't imagine he knew where my ring was since he's not exactly digging in there for earrings or necklaces much . Dunno. Just took me by surprise.

So.. that brings me to today. I blew it last night by not bringing using the "opening" to the convo, but I think I will still re-approach it this weekend. I think the timing is still good. I won't make it a huge deal and I'll let him "lead" in terms of how much he wants to talk, but I'm thinking of saying something like "Hey remember we were talking about our rings last night? I'm just curious, what led to you wanting to wear it and then feel like putting it in the jewelry box?" And that's it.. from there just let him talk. Or not, whatever he decides... but I hope it goes well.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.. I have a feeling a more toddler-sized baby step may be on the horizon. Hope so, anyway.