Feeling Hopeless...

[ann25]

i'd like to say i'll keep this short, but i haven't ever kept one short yet, so why try now... hehe

first of all, Thank you!!

When i asked what you would do, i was actually talking to fb2 cause he seems to think that what i've been trying to do is the same old thing... but thanks!! yes, i know what you think i should do...

I'd say, it's the difference between "cant" and "wont".
An excuse, is pretending a "wont", is a "cant". if you get my meaning.
Even having "a reason", can still be an excuse in that light.

"Oh i cant go shopping today, it's raining".
is really, "I WONT go shopping today, because I dont feel like putting on rain gear, etc..."

WOW - i make a lot of excuses. For me, i don't consider it an excuse so much as a reason if the other thing takes priority. For instance, when i said i had to get some work done so i couldn't read posts. Yes, i was physically capable, but getting work done is more important. When i went to wake him up, the first time, i had more important things to tend to immediately. I shouldn't have let him keep resting, i should have just gone and done what was urgent and gone back to wake him up rather than letting him sleep...

You definitely had a choice, with his napping.

I think this is an area of my confusion. How do i have a choice in letting him nap. If he says, "i'm going to go take a nap" do i say no? or when i go to wake him up and he says he needs more sleep, do i say "no" at that point, aren't i taking mother role and not wife? I'm not arguing the point, just looking to better understand.

What i'm describing, is essentially "detaching" from the hurt of unmet expectations, instead of "giving up".
You "let go" of the expectation, rather than the relationship.

I get that. That's kinda already how i look at it. i pretty much expect to fail when i'm asking for things. I think i'm so used to not expecting anything from him, that once i got over the being personally hurt by it (like he did it to hurt me) that i started expecting him to not help/be nice/etc...

It will probably take a year, AFTER the point that your marriage is good again, for his hurt in that area, to subside, i'd guess.

like i've always said to him and here, i know it will take time. i know that no amount of my apologizing or wanting it to feel better will help. whenever he wants to talk about it, i do and i reassure him. Occassionally he'll say something mean or hurtful about me and i do stop him there, cause it is in the past, but if he wants to talk about how he's feeling i always let him. Forgiveness i can wait forever for. falling in love i can wait forever for... the only thing that i can't wait forever for is him to change how he treats me and how he acts as a H.

Show him that you would still LIKE him to join you for dinner, sometimes. etc

i do. Last night, i asked him if he'd like to take a break from whatever he was doing and come down and have dessert with me and Ds. He asked if i needed him to come and I said no, that i'd just like to spend some time with him. He said he'd really rather finish what he was doing. So i went down and at with the girls and we watched some silly new reality/game show with a bunch of dogs... it would have been nice of him to join us, but we had fun anyways.

Plus, even from right now, maybe you should make sure that both of you, have fair and equal "chores" to do, for the family?

That might help him not just totally disconnect and hide in his room all day.

ummmm... that sounds like a nice idea. not sure how to get him to do "his chores" (now i sound like his mom). Right now, we are unpacking, so that will keep him busy. He has lots of electronics and toys that he'll be unpacking. help is help right, i can't be too picky!

last night, i found out that he smacked my D4 in the mouth for yelling at her sister and arguing. Don't get me wrong, this deserves punishment, but that is not something we ever talked about. Spankings and timeouts, taking away priveleges or something like that, but i'm not ok with what he did. The last time i confronted him about how he treated the girls, it backfired. Any ideas on how i should approach this?