Last night I had a major backslide. My W and I are still living together due to our financial sitch at the moment. I have read DB and have been trying to apply the principles, but last night I kinda lost my cool.
She was out with OM until about 1 AM and when she came home I kinda lost control of my mouth. Up until now I have not even acknowledged that OM existed, but last last night I confronted her on the subject.
I didn't yell or use any profanity (I wanted to), but I did say somethings she didn't want to hear.
I told her that this is "Infidelity" and that she was having an "affair" no matter how she tries to sugarcoat things. I also told her that while the problems in the marriage were mostly due to me, I am not going to take responsibilty for her cheating. I am not gonna blame myself anymore. I also tried to "lay down the law" and told her to stop seeing him. Her response was "But, I love him". She has only known this guy for 3 months. I know this because I introduced them. I previously worked with OM in a band situation. I also gave her a letter I had written back when all this started. I really wish I hadn't.
Now this morning she was very very cool to me as we got ready for work. My question is what to do now. Do I just fall back to the DB techniques? Do I say something about the conversation? Do I pretend it never happened?
She says "I am her best friend in the world" but she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore (19 years - I am 40 , she is 39). She used the classic ILYBNILWY. I can see the pain in her eyes when she talks about this. But the selfish part inside me doesn't care , although I am trying my best not to show it.
She has not filed for seperation yet and when I asked her why not she says "I don't know". I am just laying low for now. Any advice would be helpful at this point.
What can you do? I read your original thread, and it looks like you tacitly agreed that she could date another man while she was married to you, you would sleep on the couch and take care of all of the household stuff, and she gets to eat both kinds of cake.
I know you feel guilty for your past behavior, and you absolutely need to demonstrate to her that you are working on those issues and are cleaning up your life. But there's no reason why you should have to agree to an open marriage, and unless and until you put that boundary down, she's going to continue to rub your nose in it.
I'd suggest that a great place to start would be to take back the marital bed. If she doesn't like your presence there, SHE can sleep on the couch. (You said in your first thread, "Why does the guy always get the couch?" A: BECAUSE HE ALLOWS IT).
Well as time goes on I am doing much better with the self control issues. I have simply been keeping myself really busy instead of sitting around letting my imagination run wild.
I am noticing some mixed emotions while observing the W's behavior.
I still love her. When she smiles it lights up my world. But I am starting to see how she is acting with the OM.
On one hand she is starting to kinda disgust me. She has become a slave to her phone. She is constantly checking it. This morning she could not get her unlock code to work and threw a fit saying it was my fault that she needs to use a code. Perhaps if she was an honest person she wouldn't need a code at all. I told her that I had no desire to view anything on her phone. No snooping here! In fact I am afraid to see what is on it.
She had also said in the beginning that she needs space to find out who she really is. She has become suspicious and deceitful to everyone around her. Is this who she really wants to be? She is really starting to become paranoid of not just me but her friends as well. I am really feeling kinda sorry for her in a way.
The other day I was watching her literally run back and forth from house to car because she kept forgetting things. I mean running full speed, cursing and talking to herself because OM was waiting for her. It would be comical if it wasn't so sad.
The more she keeps up this type of behavior, the easier it has become for me to detach and view this situation objectively. It still hurts to see her go, but is atually beginning to become annoying LOL. I am really starting to feel bad for her. She is making herself crazy.
((BTB)) I have these same experiences with my H and addicted people are the funniest yet saddest people in the world to watch. They don't understand because their reality is so different from ours and the truth.
Keep up the detaching and listen to PDT...he is a DB Master.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Yeah, it's def. addiction. Before my H moved out he was constantly on his phone or Blackberry texting the OW. One night D8 asked him to play one of her kid's games, it's a 5 minute game, and he kept screaming for us to hurry up and spin each time it was our turn, b/c he was having a hard time spending 5 minutes away from texting OW. That is really sad & pathetic. I think you just have to detach as much from their behavior, because I think it is really crazy and if you don't detach it's hard to live around a crazy person. I agree also re: listening/following Puppy and his advice. I wish I had followed it sooner and I know many others that think the same! Karen
Karen