I did thanks, and my kids are very stable because of it. I chose to put my children before anything else and make them the priority, not my wife's or my issues.
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NO! you just don't get it do you. The kids decide where they want to be.
NO, you just don't get it. You and your wife are adults and can make grown up decisions. That's your job. Your kids are innocent bistanders to the behaviors of you and your wife. YOU are the one who is not getting it. You and your wife are very selfish. You don't want to enable her, it's not about that phil it is about YOUR CHILDREN. For Pete's sake take the blinders off and see what is really going on in your world today. See what is really going on in their world because the longer it takes you to prioritize those kids, the more screwed up they will be. And guess what Phil, it will be YOUR fault, not her's and not theirs. You are the one who is supposed to be thinking clearly for them.
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Get it through your head Ian. This isn't DBing.
Not the way your doing it it isn't. Maybe you should actually try and DB and see if it works instead of being so damn sure that you know what is best. Maybe you should listen to others and actually do what it says to do. See Phil, your progress has been limited to your tone and attitude because you cannot progress with her without taking some action.
You know what, keep sitting still. Keep doing the same old same old. It will not help you, you will not move forward, and your kids will suffer. That is again your choice.
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I know your tired why don't I keep the kids tonight?
THIS, isn't for her. You said you always want your kids with you. She gave you an opening and you chose not to take it. Go ahead, tell me again the kids didnt want to. They don't want to stand in your square either but you make them do that. You have a choice Phil, empower her, or empower yourself.
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I can't set boundries because she violates them. Gets pissed and that pushes her away more. She argues with me about the schedule over an hour problem and the very next day the arguement was invalid. Come on dude... There is no logic to this.
Boundaries without consequences for your actions are not boundaries. They are merely idle threats. Your job when you set boundaries is to enforce them. She gets pissed, to bad, she will get over it. Until you stand firm and do not let her getting upset affect you, boundaries are useless. You have to grow some balls and make her stick to the guidelines that you set or pay the price for not following them.
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Things are going to start changing, because she is going to break down. She has too. She needs to break down. Not me. I was broken down for almost 8 months.
You don't know this, you are assuming. Even if she does breakdown, it doesn't mean anything because once she gets over it, nothing has changed. Again, you focus on what she needs, what she will do, what you see happening to her. Forget all that stuff and work on yourself Phil. Work on your communication, work on your follow through when you set boundaries, and work on what you need to do for your children. That should keep you busy.
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Ian, Quote: Quit taking care of her Phil
Didn't others say take care of Phil and kids. Make up your minds!
Dude, are you serious here? Did you actually read what I wrote or are you to confident in your own beliefs to even pay attention. Your response is illogical and makes no sense, try again.
For some reason I read it quit taking care of Phil. There is too many people talking to me. I think I missed the word her, because my judgement was clouded by the Pope comment.
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ah no wonder people drop like flies from your threads Phil
Then why do they come back and get zingers in.
There is just too many questions being asked and too many responses to try to answer too. It creates Poison. Puts way way too much on my plate.
Like your trying to break me. That simply doesn't work with me ok. I have about five people nitpicking every single one of my responses, because A I give too much detail.
Rude, perhaps not. Perhaps I speak the truth agaisnt your own faults with things you need to work on. Whomever you are. Perhaps your helping me is really helping you.
However we can talk to we are blue in the face and it doesn't change anything. It may not bring our loves ones any closer than we want them to be.
Sure I can vent on here. Fight against all of you. Be calm and let you call me names, throw zingers and if I get a little out of line the thread gets locked.
Now Jack, told me. Only respond to a few. Ignore the rest. The one person I want to talk to is a lurker.
Why is she a lurker? I told her to go home. I didn't say it in a nice way either.
Whatever man. I'm glad you got a lawyer and it worked for you.
Our orginal arrangement was that the kids wanted to be with her. We would have shared custody. My son was staying with me for many nights.
Our other orginal arrangement was no courts. No domestics. Yes if she continues to act this way it may have to go that route. I may even file for full custody. I know by doing that would be the worse possible thing I could do to her.
Now I believe that plenty of this mess would be solvable if my wife would just talk to me about the kids. Not through the kids.
Remember last Friday. I'm not falling for that one again.
Take a deep breath and remember my idea about buttons. You do not have to respond.
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I'm doing that to show the woman that this is not her house anymore and I'm going to do and decorate whatever I want to it. It's my house. She left.
She may think boy I better go home before the house floats away with that pirate theme.
But you want her back, and one of the ways you are trying to get her back is by turning the house into something she doesn't want? You want her to come home because she feels a need to prevent further redecoration changes?
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I have been doing the mumbo jumbo dance ever since she went into this MLC thing. Doing everything for her.
That is not DBing. No one here said to do that.
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The kids decide where they want to be.
As a parent to another parent. Why? This is over compensation for the troubles you and your wife are having. They are children, with their best interests in your heart, and stability is what they need right up there with unconditional love and firm guidance. I know the Bible has alot to say about children and the role of parents.
Phil,
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MAYBE THAT SHOULD BE TELLING YOU SOMETHING! Is what you are doing working for you.
Really?
When people post to you do you see them as attacking? This is a support group, so tell me how this is supportive.
Treat your neighbor as yourself.
Times when I see you as a hurt animal, snapping and snarling at everyone who tries to help.
To that end there are times, when I don't know if you are really going through this, or if you are having a great deal of fun at our expense.
If you really think so highly of my opinion and advice. Then please try this.
Do not say the first thing that pops into your head when you talk with your wife, or anyone else who upsets you. You say that you don't pick fights, fair enoungh. Do better than that, actually avoid fights. Try that.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hello. My name is Suzanne. I have never visited your thread before. I cannot say that I have read all of it. I can only say that I have read the posts on this page, which started at 11:18 a.m., from "the wifey."
I am going to try and talk you through some of this stuff, but please know that I am pretty new to this stuff myself, OK? I want to be your friend. I'm not going to make you any promises, because I can't predict the future.
THE most important thing I can tell you right now, is that I can feel your pain right through cyberspace. Where are you? What state? It must be close because the feelings are very strong.
I want you to know that I just got back from my therapist, who has been helping me to calm down and try to relax. She told me that I have all the power to do this within me.
Do you believe in Miracles, Phil? If your answer is yes, I will tell you something important after I read your answer to me, OK.
Ok Suzanne. Yep feel like freaking crying my eyes out. I'm on systems overload. I'm starting to make small mistakes which are turning into bigger ones.
Functioning but not at 100%.
I live in PA. I work in Pittsburgh.
Yes I believe in Miracles.
I will keep clicking on refresh until the miracle happens.
First, Phil you have to believe me when I say I have been exactly where you are for *the majority of my life.* If you don't believe me, that's ok. Just read and don't worry about making any mistakes or judgements or anything else right now. We'll, deal with the rest later.
Here's what happened to me yesterday and today. I called my spouse about 50 times last night, no lie. I was in hyper-overload emotionally. I DID cry my eyes out. He WAS ignoring me. I did EVREYTHING wrong from the get-go. Do you see how my sitch is very similar? Hope so.
Anyway, my therapist hypnotized me and while I was there, she told me the I have ALL THE POWER within me to calm down, take whatever happens, be flexible and calm. It helps to visualize the most peaceful setting that you can imagine. Do you like mountain streams? Then go there in your mind. Close your eyes, and just rest. Relax as much as you possibly can, Phil.
Stop reading these boards for an hour or two until you can visualize all this calmness within you. Then come back to me and we'll talk some more, OK?
Quit taking care of her Phil. For some reason I read it quit taking care of Phil. There is too many people talking to me. I think I missed the word her, because my judgement was clouded by the Pope comment.
For one split second it seemed you may have given up the need to slam us all over the head with how right you always are. And then you go back into Philspeak and blame your mistake on us--too many people talking to you, judgement clouded by someone's light-hearted comment. That's not taking responsibility for yourself, Phil, it's blaming others for something that's not their fault just so that you can appear RIGHT. That will not serve you in getting your marriage back, Phil. Nor in raising your children. The one thing that we can all learn from this hell we're in is how to improve our communication and those things about ourselves that are less than constructive.
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Then why do they come back and get zingers in.
There is just too many questions being asked and too many responses to try to answer too. It creates Poison. Puts way way too much on my plate.
These aren't zingers, Phil. These are a group of people who care enough about you to risk being the recipient of your spewing, just to try to get your attention so you stop your destructive patterns. You don't have to respond to everyone. No one except you expects that, and it seems you only do so for the sake of argument and proving yourself right.
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Rude, perhaps not. Perhaps I speak the truth agaisnt your own faults with things you need to work on. Whomever you are. Perhaps your helping me is really helping you.
Rude? Perhaps absolutely so. Disrespectful, defensive, demeaning too. Own it. You're not saying the things you say for any positive end, you're saying them to try to inflict emotional pain. But it's true--yes, often our trying to help you ends up being helpful to us, but it's not because you're tossing us bits of wisdom.
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if I get a little out of line the thread gets locked.
This is a victim statement, Phil. You get more than a little out of line. Thread gets locked as a consequence of your inappropriate post. Same as--kid mouths off, kid stands on square of rug.
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The one person I want to talk to is a lurker. Why is she a lurker? I told her to go home. I didn't say it in a nice way either.
You have a lot of lurkers on your thread, Phil. It's kinda like people slowing down to look at a wreck. You didn't say it in a nice way--you sound really proud of that. I doubt you've "sent her home" because you can't stop people from lurking.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
But you want her back, and one of the ways you are trying to get her back is by turning the house into something she doesn't want?
No. I think by changing the house into something she doesn't want is telling her, I don't need you. I can live with out you. I don't need the bull crap anymore. Everyone loves the pirate room so far.
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You want her to come home because she feels a need to prevent further redecoration changes?
No. I want her to come home and say I love you. I love the pirate room I just could not admit it. I love everything you do. Everything you do for me. You work so hard and I never give you credit. You even worked hard at saving our marriage. Taking care of the kids. Keeping them busy. [/quote]
The kid situation. I believe I already explained this. One it makes me feel good when the kids are with her. At least there isn't another man or something. However I'm starting to care less and less about this. If there is someone else good for her and shame on her at the same time. She is still married, just acting like she isn't.
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To that end there are times, when I don't know if you are really going through this, or if you are having a great deal of fun at our expense.
Trust me I'm not having fun, and this is all very real.
Last night I did just that. This woman a resturant bar own came out and flipped on me. I pretty just looked at her and smiled and said I'm sorry. Old Phil would have taken the woman jammed a piece of pizza in her face and pile drivered her into the ice machine. I don't want to get into the story why because it is stupid. She was being a b|tch. I'm good friends with her husband. She had a legimate complaint but it didn't warrant her behavior I'm still a customer.
Who's this is short for whosyamomma. hoosiermomma.
You are a busybody. Go do busybody things somewhere else. Ok. Stop trying to overload me. I mean you are the biggest name caller on the planet too. Inflict emotional pain yourself. Hmmmm, lets see... Perhaps I think you are rude and disrepectful. Same thing with the wife and I. Rude and disrepectful to each other and to the core.
Well we identified a problem/problems again and again. We identified the same problem again. Yes my wife and I were constantly rude and disrepectful to one another. I already knew this but never knew how to break the cycle. Still don't. GOOD DAY! (Willy Wonka Style.)
