my crazy mess part 3...

[sandi2]

Christa, have you ever thought you may be bi-polar? When you mentioned the racing thoughts.....a flag went up. It all fits with the depression, racing thoughts, the "monster" stages. My DIL's step-mom raised her and this was what she remembers about her and the step-mom was not diagnosed until a few years ago. She had went all those years without the right help.

I can identify with taking so much meds. In fact, at one point I was on so much meds that every doctor I would go to would wonder how in the world I was able to function....and then hand me two more prescriptions to add to what I was taking. Go figure. The thing was.....I had reached the place that I wasn't able to function and was about to lose my job. So, finally I found a doctor who at least got me off of so much crap.

You are taking a tremdous amount of stuff. Zoloft works well for a lot of people. I tried it, but immediately I started gaining weight like you wouldn't believe (and I already fight that battle) and also my sex drive hit zero (and I sure didn't need that) so I asked the doc for something that wouldn't affect those areas so much. But, you have to do what is best for your mental health.

After reading this last reply from you, I can't help but think that losing your grandparents, your mother and then you dad all within such a short period of time......has got to be a huge part of the mental basis of your problems. And, "if" you had bi-polar or something like that to go with it.....man....that would be too much for almost anyone to deal with.

Have you considered finding a "grief support group"? I never attended one, and I think a lot of parents that have lost children or had a loved one murdered attends them, but they are suppose to be for anyone. Has your therapist ever said anything about something like that? Can you actually tell that talking to him is helping you get through or deal with your problems? I know I must sound nosey, but I don't know how to help except by asking questions. I don't want to sound condesending (as one person told me..lol).

I know how hard it can be living with depression. I got to the place that the more medication they gave me, the more depressed I was. It got to where I could barely get out of bed in the mornings. But, never decide to stop taking them at one time, b/c you have to gradually get off of them. I went for about a year without any at all b/c I was sick of it. My doctor wanted me to see a counselor b/c they couldn't find anything to help my depression......well, that was a joke, when I went. I won't even get off into all of that, but I'll just say that I didn't go back again. Anyway, it was when I was off my anti-depression meds that I got off into my "wayward ways". Don't really think that had a thing to do with it.....b/c it was my MR and all the crap going on in my life that put me into some kind of "crises" similar to a MLC....only I was to old for it to be midlife..lol. Anyway.....where was I?.......oh yes, about you...did you have depression problems before you started losing your loved ones?

I guess after the past couple actual times we have talked about R/M hearing him say the things he has said, cutting me down, his tone, his anger...that is where the fear is coming in.

I know I sound like I'm playing psychiatrist again, but this makes me wonder if it triggers something from your R with you father. Now, as much as I loved and admired my dad.....he was very, very strict on me when I was growing up. He was military and you could tell it in his voice of "authority". He never abused me physically or any other way. When I was young, I did fear him to some degree b/c he did not know how to show affection and I usually only saw the discipline from him. It was after I was almost grown before we started really getting closer and I saw him mellow out....as they say. Then I adored him. But, I just wondered why your H's tone of voice and his show of anger scares you unless somebody has hurt you by those actions before. Has your H ever physically hurt you? From what you have told us, he acts more immature than anything else. Like throwing your clothes out b/c you were flirting and he didn't know how to deal with it. Not to put you down, Christi, but I think a M woman is really asking for problems when she flirts.....JMHO. I have always been "out-going" in my personality and sometimes I have to be careful so that people that don't know me very well won't see it as being "flirty"....but if you do flirt intentionaly when you are M......well.....there is usally a price to pay for it.

Kind of sounds like you may have married a man that had a different personality from yours. I know I did. My H was completely opposite from me! Crazy, huh? Maybe your H liked it before he M you, but then afterwards, he decided he didn't want you doing that any more.

cutting me down, his tone, his anger...that is where the fear is coming in. desperation...

There is another way of looking at what I said just before this. You may have been shown all the love and support and given your self confidence b/c your parents built you up to be who and what you are as a person. Therefore, you were not use to having anyone cut you down. Now, how you got through school without going through some of that, I wouldn't know, unless you were very popular. But, even popular girls have secrets they hide from everyone else. Anyway, if hearing him say things to you that has never been said before brings fear and a feeling of desparation in your heart........hummmmmm, it's got to be something there that the psychiatrist should be able to latch on to. Have you talked about it to the doc?

I'm so glad that you and your sister are close. That is important since both your parents are gone. Is she M with children? Is she the only sibling you have?

Tell me a little more about your "spiritual" friend. In what way is she spiritual? Do you mean that she is a Christian or is she into some other "spiritual" things? Just wondered what kind of inspiration she is giving you. Again, I don't want this to sound critical in any way. My writings do not always come out like I mean for it to sound. Hope you will be patient with all my questions. You have been so sweet to answer them. It shows me that you really do want help and don't mind sharing your life with those who are interested in talking with you. That is good. That is the great thing about this board, we can be private in who we are and yet tell everything...lol.

Well, I have asked enough questions to keep you busy for a while, so I'll hush for now. I will be waiting impatiently to hear your answers...lol. In all seriousness, Christa, I hope that I can be your friend and that there will be something that the two or more of us can stumble on that will help you. I know you want it most of all and b/c of your "want to"....I believe you will find it. Don't stop believing.

Please don't give up and please take care of yourself. Oh, and watch out for them bars.

Sandi