WAW#11

[The Wifey]

LostPhil,

You really are lost and I understand. Perhaps, if you could see she was tired from the kids you could have taken them and put them to bed. It wasn't about the ice cream. Maybe you could have done that and made no judgement call about her or why she was there, too.

You are just way too angry for me (or her) to see any changes you have made.

About my posting to you. I posted because you sounded like my husband to a T. You dismissed me. Maybe you should read it again and then look into the faces of your children. Find some nugget of anything in there to work with.

Obviously what you are doing has not helped. Have you read the books? They tell you to do "something else." What is something else that you haven't tried?

[LostPhil]

Wifey,

No it just isn't working that way anymore. You may be a logical reasonable woman. My wife isn't.

You are just way too judgemental for me and you haven't even read my post.

I sounded like your husband to a T. I dismissed you. MAYBE THAT SHOULD BE TELLING YOU SOMETHING! Is what you are doing working for you.

I know why wife like a book. Showing up unannounced dumping the kids. No go home it's 9 and get them to bed.

I have been doing the mumbo jumbo dance ever since she went into this MLC thing. Doing everything for her.

That is what she wants. She wants me to do everyting for her. Well I can't. She choose not to act like a wife anymore. I mean she wanted to divorce me and still live in the same house.

Now wifey you go and figure out why your husband dismisses your logic and reasoning.

Angry, you haven't seen angry. LostPhil, can be 9 foot tall if he wants too.

One more thing... I am not a mind reader. Quess what wifey, your husband can not read your mind either. If she was tired and wanted some help. Call me and ask to take them for a hour or something. I would have bathed them, got them ready for bed and dropped them off to her.

I hear this constant theme. She just wanted to take a shower. Shower, three hours later. I just want to take a shower. She just wanted help with the kids. She just wanted you to do something small for her. BLAH BLAH BLAH.... Then learn how to ask for those things.

I think we found an answer, now I need to know how to convey that. If she is tired and needs help ask for it. Don't beat around the bush, ignore me, use the kids as bait, and then piss yourself off more.

In the spirit of Willy Wonka, Good day to you.

[sgctxok]

Here was her point....DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

It's good ...no GREAT advice!

[LostPhil]

Different if I get any different I'm going to explode.

If I help her I enable her. If I'm firm with her and say NO she gets pissed. I have those kids enough. Does she help me when I have them?

Constant favor after little favor. What does she do for me?

NOTHING!

[The Wifey]

Phil,

No judgements from me, my friend. Nor do you have the right to judge. I'm just trying to prod you to see your anger.

If you know your wife like a book then you need to read it. Not like you already know the story, like it is a second or third reading through and you are gaining new insights.

I'm a big girl and I can take your criticism. I promise I will read your entire sitch tonight. And I will post again.

Pull up your big boy panties, Phil. Its game on. I don't know why but I feel like trying to help you. Maybe because I believe you are incredibly hurt and masking the hurt with anger.

You are a good person. You deserve to be loved and respected. You deserve to have a loving relationship with your children. You will get through this.

Sending you love and hugs, (((Phil))), I think you need them more than anything.

[*KS*Chick*]

1 - OK - they wanted to stay with her. So you're right - she should have either handled them or said she can't and let you keep them overnight. My suggestion was to offer to let them come in the house next time. Keep them overnight instead of letting them get drug around town ya know.

I am totally for time out - 1 min per year of age. Right on and good on ya. I wouldn't however - suggest that if they don't do what you ask the first time, you'll scream like their mother. You HAVE to take the high road, and although you might not see it, that's not it.

My ex is fairly a deadbeat - does what is required, nothing more. Gets our D his weekends and maybe one night a week. I finally had to set a schedule for week nights because he would randomly decide to get her. #1 - it's a control issue. #2 - consistency. Now if my girl was upset with me about something or me working the 2nd job, etc. should I say "Well at least I'm not like your dad who doesn't show up half the time?"

Have you thought about contacting a lawyer and working with them to draft a visitation agreement? Would you want joint custody with you having primary residential? They NEED a schedule. You both have to be somewhat flexible given work schedules, etc. You have to decide to make this about them, not how you've been wronged by her, or how she's crazy. How can you make this smooth for your children? Say you get divorced, that in itself sucks for kids. You have to be there for them. I know you're working on that, but they do need consistency.

I know she needs to change herself. My point wasn't that you are trying to change her, but that you're expecting her to change. She's not. So you have to stop focusing on what she is NOT doing ya know?

My point about the personality types was related to the Myers Briggs - introvert/extrovert. Understanding the different types can help you to understand and interact with her.

Stop being so defensive - we are here to help but you have to knock the chip off of your shoulder.

Happy Friday!

KS,

No the kids wanted to stay with her. What was I suppose to do take them for an hour and bring them back to her. No she had ample opportunity to do that during the day. She obviously knows where the house still is because she came and took stuff.

I am being the Father and the Mother. I do enforce the limits. I know children grave limits. She doesn't enforce her limits because she justs screams at them.

I also found another effective tool. I said kids now I asked you to do something I expect you to do it the first time. If I ask you to put away your shoes, brush your teeth, put your garbage in the can, put your plates in the sink, then I expect you to do it the first time. Do you want me to scream at you like your mother days. They say no. Now things get done promptly in the home. If they whine they both go on the square for a couple of minutes. The square is very effective. No yelling. Do you know how many times she would asks the kids to do something and they would not do it. Over 20. I ask once now. It gets done or there are consequences. They hate standing on the square for even a minute.

No schedule resolution. She doesn't want a schedule. I told her these problems would have been solved if she would have talked things out with me Monday night. No she got ticked right away about the time on Tuesday. I can't accomodate her for every little thing. Then it changes day to day anyway.

Do you think I want her showing up unannounced using the kids as bait. No she ignores me all day. Doesn't call me and shows up at nine.

This isn't the first time she has done this. The last time it was 10. I said oh no turn around you are not dropping these kids off on a week day so you can go run around. I have a paper due I can not watch them now. They should be in bed anyways. She got all pissed off and said I knew we should not have came over. Thinking: DUH! You didn't even call and ask first. You just showed up unannounced.

KS, the woman needs to change herself. I can't do it. I have changed things within me. There may be other things that still need changing. When I figure out what they are I'll change them.

I have the character like Patton. I would have slapped the soilder too. Well I think my wife could use a good slapping from the hand of God.

My wife would have been like Lot's wife. He tells her not to turn around. She does. Pillar of salt.

[*KS*Chick*]

Ian,

I'm not ready yet ok. Hire an attorney. You hire one really. The woman will not even talk to me about the simplest things. I'm not getting an attorney involved yet.

I know your tired why don't I keep the kids tonight?

NO! you just don't get it do you. The kids decide where they want to be. Me taking the kids would just be helping her again. Enabling her to be reckless. When she dumps the kids at her mothers for the night and doesn't bother telling me. Then I did pop in on her and she is up late with a co-worker. NO forget that.

She doesn't want the responsibilty of motherhood right now. Well sorry the decisions are already made for you. You are choosing to be a single parent right now.

There is no retionalizing with this woman. Get it through your head Ian. This isn't DBing.

I can't set boundries because she violates them. Gets pissed and that pushes her away more. She argues with me about the schedule over an hour problem and the very next day the arguement was invalid. Come on dude... There is no logic to this.

The kids decide where they want to be.

Is that the way you both have set it up or just how it is?

I can tell you that you shouldn't be putting them in the position to choose. You're the parents.

Jack three beans- You asked about the spite issue. I was going to build a couch and make it look like a pirate ship. No I'm not doing that for spite. I'm doing that to show the woman that this is not her house anymore and I'm going to do and decorate whatever I want to it. It's my house. She left.

sounds like spite to me Phil...

She may think boy I better go home before the house floats away with that pirate theme.

Ian,

Quit taking care of her Phil

Didn't others say take care of Phil and kids. Make up your minds!

these say the same thing. Ian said to stop taking care of her.

[*KS*Chick*]

Wifey,

No it just isn't working that way anymore. You may be a logical reasonable woman. My wife isn't.

You are just way too judgemental for me and you haven't even read my post.

I sounded like your husband to a T. I dismissed you. MAYBE THAT SHOULD BE TELLING YOU SOMETHING! Is what you are doing working for you.

I know why wife like a book. Showing up unannounced dumping the kids. No go home it's 9 and get them to bed.

I have been doing the mumbo jumbo dance ever since she went into this MLC thing. Doing everything for her.

That is what she wants. She wants me to do everyting for her. Well I can't. She choose not to act like a wife anymore. I mean she wanted to divorce me and still live in the same house.

Now wifey you go and figure out why your husband dismisses your logic and reasoning.

(RUDE and uncalled for Phil!)

Angry, you haven't seen angry. LostPhil, can be 9 foot tall if he wants too.

One more thing... I am not a mind reader. Quess what wifey, your husband can not read your mind either. If she was tired and wanted some help. Call me and ask to take them for a hour or something. I would have bathed them, got them ready for bed and dropped them off to her.

(People offered suggestions for you - You need to think outside of the box. Not everything is black and white, surfacey. You offering to help MIGHT have endeared you to her. Who knows?! )

I hear this constant theme. She just wanted to take a shower. Shower, three hours later. I just want to take a shower. She just wanted help with the kids. She just wanted you to do something small for her. BLAH BLAH BLAH.... Then learn how to ask for those things.

you hear but aren't listening. Marriage isn't always about telling someone what you want or need. Sometimes marriage (no more often than not) is a selfless commitment - you do things for one another because you want to. You take a step back, reflect and see what they might need. Read about love languages Phil. Figure hers out. And yours.

I think we found an answer, now I need to know how to convey that. If she is tired and needs help ask for it. Don't beat around the bush, ignore me, use the kids as bait, and then piss yourself off more.

In the spirit of Willy Wonka, Good day to you.

(ah no wonder people drop like flies from your threads Phil. You don't like the answers you get, you dismiss them. You will soon be alone with your thoughts, wondering why you're alone. Or blaming everyone else for not responding the way you thought they should. Definite pattern. And no worries Phil - I'll ban myself from your thread )

[Astimegoeson]

Anger motivates people to do things that they wouldn't normally do. Sometimes it can be something positive if channeled correctly, but other times it can be destructive. Phil, it can take you from 9 feet tall to 6 feet under or behind bars. It can make or break your marriage in the same manner.

Phil, focus your anger on something else besides your W. You keep pushing her for some positive response that's never going to come. Your not going to accomplish a goal with her. She's out of your control. You know that, everyone here is telling you this, but still won't accept that. That's what frustrates and angers you so much. She has you wrapped around her finger.

That's what Wifey is trying to explain to you. It's not that your doing this or that, it's the fact your even doing anything for a response.

Can you ignore her? Don't use the children as an excuse, I have them to, but can ignore their Mother until pigs fly.

You said you have tried everything. How about trying NOTHING for a change?

[LostPhil]

Pull up your big boy panties, Phil. Its game on.

No thanks. I don't need it. Go fight with your husband instead. You want to learn about him through me, I don't have the energy. You need to change.

If you read my sitch I don't need to defend myself anymore. I don't need to justify. She's crazy it's simple.

She always wants to be right, and I always want to be right.
She wants to stomp her feet and get her way and little Daddy husband gives in.