WAW#11

[*KS*Chick*]

1 - OK - they wanted to stay with her. So you're right - she should have either handled them or said she can't and let you keep them overnight. My suggestion was to offer to let them come in the house next time. Keep them overnight instead of letting them get drug around town ya know.

I am totally for time out - 1 min per year of age. Right on and good on ya. I wouldn't however - suggest that if they don't do what you ask the first time, you'll scream like their mother. You HAVE to take the high road, and although you might not see it, that's not it.

My ex is fairly a deadbeat - does what is required, nothing more. Gets our D his weekends and maybe one night a week. I finally had to set a schedule for week nights because he would randomly decide to get her. #1 - it's a control issue. #2 - consistency. Now if my girl was upset with me about something or me working the 2nd job, etc. should I say "Well at least I'm not like your dad who doesn't show up half the time?"

Have you thought about contacting a lawyer and working with them to draft a visitation agreement? Would you want joint custody with you having primary residential? They NEED a schedule. You both have to be somewhat flexible given work schedules, etc. You have to decide to make this about them, not how you've been wronged by her, or how she's crazy. How can you make this smooth for your children? Say you get divorced, that in itself sucks for kids. You have to be there for them. I know you're working on that, but they do need consistency.

I know she needs to change herself. My point wasn't that you are trying to change her, but that you're expecting her to change. She's not. So you have to stop focusing on what she is NOT doing ya know?

My point about the personality types was related to the Myers Briggs - introvert/extrovert. Understanding the different types can help you to understand and interact with her.

Stop being so defensive - we are here to help but you have to knock the chip off of your shoulder.

Happy Friday!

KS,

No the kids wanted to stay with her. What was I suppose to do take them for an hour and bring them back to her. No she had ample opportunity to do that during the day. She obviously knows where the house still is because she came and took stuff.

I am being the Father and the Mother. I do enforce the limits. I know children grave limits. She doesn't enforce her limits because she justs screams at them.

I also found another effective tool. I said kids now I asked you to do something I expect you to do it the first time. If I ask you to put away your shoes, brush your teeth, put your garbage in the can, put your plates in the sink, then I expect you to do it the first time. Do you want me to scream at you like your mother days. They say no. Now things get done promptly in the home. If they whine they both go on the square for a couple of minutes. The square is very effective. No yelling. Do you know how many times she would asks the kids to do something and they would not do it. Over 20. I ask once now. It gets done or there are consequences. They hate standing on the square for even a minute.

No schedule resolution. She doesn't want a schedule. I told her these problems would have been solved if she would have talked things out with me Monday night. No she got ticked right away about the time on Tuesday. I can't accomodate her for every little thing. Then it changes day to day anyway.

Do you think I want her showing up unannounced using the kids as bait. No she ignores me all day. Doesn't call me and shows up at nine.

This isn't the first time she has done this. The last time it was 10. I said oh no turn around you are not dropping these kids off on a week day so you can go run around. I have a paper due I can not watch them now. They should be in bed anyways. She got all pissed off and said I knew we should not have came over. Thinking: DUH! You didn't even call and ask first. You just showed up unannounced.

KS, the woman needs to change herself. I can't do it. I have changed things within me. There may be other things that still need changing. When I figure out what they are I'll change them.

I have the character like Patton. I would have slapped the soilder too. Well I think my wife could use a good slapping from the hand of God.

My wife would have been like Lot's wife. He tells her not to turn around. She does. Pillar of salt.