I can go to a mall, etc. with an idea in my head of what I'm looking for. Possibly I'll find it in the first store. Possibly I'll find 3-4 similar but one is more comfortable.
I kind of viewed shopping as time spent together, not an obligation or a privilege....
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I did stand my ground with her on many issues which is why we always butted heads. Didn't I say it was her way or the high way.
The shoe thing when we were dating. What the hell did you think I did. Yes I was trying to please the woman. I tried to please the woman all the time. It was never good enough. Nothing is ever good enough.
Last night I did stand my ground. I said I'm not taking him to the ice cream shop. You take him. She shouldn't be showing up at nine unannounced expecting me to do something for her.
So what she got pissed and practically peeled out of the driveway.
You see she came down from the mothership. Was nice to me. Talked to me for 20 minutes the other day. Pretty much made my day. Then it was one favor after another.
As soon as I say NO to her about something. Then she gets all pissed. They she will say I was being nice what happened.
Now would have it been easier to just take him to the ice cream shop.
You see that wasn't what it was about at all. She is sick. She wasn't dressed like a sex kitten and she couldn't go over and see the girls at her work. They would have said ooooooh girl you look terrible, but your still beautiful. I hope I look half as good as you when I'm 30. Her little fan club. Self esteem builders. It wasn't good enough for me to tell her those things.
No, I didn't enable the situation. The kids don't need ice cream at nine. It was the way she approached the problem. Showed up unannounced. Then she didn't even bother to wind down her window. She let our son whine about getting ice cream.
I bet you any money the girl has 4 tubs of ice cream in the fridge at home. Hell I have four tubs of ice cream in my fridge from her shop. I also have sundaes in there they never finished. Then there are other ice cream goodies not even from her shop.
No it wasn't about the ice cream. It was about her being exhausted with the kids. She had them all day. They most likely drove her nuts and to the point of exhuastion and she was sick. Then she is going to fix the situation by dumping sugar in them late. No, I did and would stand firm on those issues. She would just do what she wanted anyway. Well she chose to be a single parent right now. She chose to leave. She chose to swallow the big girl pill.
Yes, the focus is on her. Why because she created these problems.
The square carpet is a disciplinary tool that I have found that works and is effective. It is a form of time out. It works. If they start getting out of line all I have to do is suggest standing on the square. I don't hit my kids. I never really raised my voice at them. I would raise my voice at the end of the night when she would ask me to discipline them. Then as soon as I did she would act like their best friend. Yes it was frustrating. I called her the big eraser. What ever I said to the kids didn't matter. Then she wondered why they walk all over her.
Do you know how frustrating it is to try to study at night and the kids are still up screwing around.
I don't know how I was getting straight A's. I would wear shooting ear muffs to try to study. I kept asking her please keep the kids quiet I'm trying to study.
Yes maybe I do see how the woman felt like I was never there. Online classes are brutal, and when you are reading 4 chapters a week and doing assignments there is no time. Going to work, and still doing home improvements. Then it really helped when some monster kids of the neighbored busted out our windows in the middle of the night.
My last class I got an A minus. Because I didn't put the effort into the team project. I'm tired of lazy people getting away with doing nothing and expecting results. Who else do I need to enable today?
Astimegoeson, Yeah Cranky St. Jerome. No a Deacon.
Wifey, thanks for you input, but I don't think you read enough about my stituation to warrant that it is anything like yours. I do apperciate you taking the time and responding. There maybe some similarities. I'm really glad you have expressed that you also have your own issues. I just wish my wife would work on 1 percent of hers. All I hear from her is how she was such a good wife that didn't do anything wrong. I know what I did wrong. I know how I could have handled things differently.
Naej, don't ever post to me again. This is the second time I have asked you. The comment about warning the Pope isn't even funny. Go away. You are poison in this situation. You are not your brothers keeper.
and Phil - you seem to still be very focused on her and how she SHOULD fix herself.
Well she's not right now. So you have to stand up, be a mother and father to your children. You have to have all sides - the disciplinarian and the nurturer. Children crave limits. They need them. It lets them know they are loved. If she won't enforce limits when she has them, you must when you do.
The schedule thing - did that get resolved?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
one more ... this is how I roll - thoughts trickle out, one post at a time
Have you ever done the Myers Briggs? Do you think she has?
That might be beneficial to how you interact with one another. Maybe it is like DB, and you're not telling her about it - but it might be something you do and have some realizations about you and her.
And if you understand your personality type (I'm guessing you're a STRONG Type A) you can understand how to communicate with her & her personality type...
The only reason I suggest this is the comment about school. Well, maybe not the only reason, but it's an indicator. You crave perfection. You don't seem to be able to handle it when things aren't perfect.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
No the kids wanted to stay with her. What was I suppose to do take them for an hour and bring them back to her. No she had ample opportunity to do that during the day. She obviously knows where the house still is because she came and took stuff.
I am being the Father and the Mother. I do enforce the limits. I know children grave limits. She doesn't enforce her limits because she justs screams at them.
I also found another effective tool. I said kids now I asked you to do something I expect you to do it the first time. If I ask you to put away your shoes, brush your teeth, put your garbage in the can, put your plates in the sink, then I expect you to do it the first time. Do you want me to scream at you like your mother days. They say no. Now things get done promptly in the home. If they whine they both go on the square for a couple of minutes. The square is very effective. No yelling. Do you know how many times she would asks the kids to do something and they would not do it. Over 20. I ask once now. It gets done or there are consequences. They hate standing on the square for even a minute.
No schedule resolution. She doesn't want a schedule. I told her these problems would have been solved if she would have talked things out with me Monday night. No she got ticked right away about the time on Tuesday. I can't accomodate her for every little thing. Then it changes day to day anyway.
Do you think I want her showing up unannounced using the kids as bait. No she ignores me all day. Doesn't call me and shows up at nine.
This isn't the first time she has done this. The last time it was 10. I said oh no turn around you are not dropping these kids off on a week day so you can go run around. I have a paper due I can not watch them now. They should be in bed anyways. She got all pissed off and said I knew we should not have came over. Thinking: DUH! You didn't even call and ask first. You just showed up unannounced.
KS, the woman needs to change herself. I can't do it. I have changed things within me. There may be other things that still need changing. When I figure out what they are I'll change them.
I have the character like Patton. I would have slapped the soilder too. Well I think my wife could use a good slapping from the hand of God.
My wife would have been like Lot's wife. He tells her not to turn around. She does. Pillar of salt.
Last night I did stand my ground. I said I'm not taking him to the ice cream shop. You take him.
That is not standing yoru ground for those kids. Maybe, "It's 9:00 at night and they shouldn't be eating ice cream" would have been the appropriate response.
Maybe, " I know your tired why don't I keep the kids tonight?" and I dont give a crap wether they wanted to stay with you or not. They are kids and they stay where you tell them to stay. You said you always want them with you, then prove it.
Quote:
Yes, the focus is on her. Why because she created these problems.
She needs to focus on what she did wrong and you need to focus on what you did wrong. Your right, she chose to leave, now let her.
She doesn't see what life is like, you don't always allow her to. You baby her at times and at other times you force things which makes it your fault rather than because of her choices.
You see Phil, until you decide to truly act like a you and her are seperate, it will not get better. You say she needs to see what the consequences of her choices are, show her.
You know what Phil, the schedule is not an option it is a mandate. She chose to move out, she chose her own life. Set a schedule, if she doesn't agree, hire an attorney and do it the legal route but get it done. It is not an option, it is what is best for your kids. For goodness sake do you and her not see what you are doing to those children by leaving them in limboland with you.
This is not a game, this is your life, your kids lives. You do not gamble and leave stones unturned when you are playing with your kids lives and future.
When they choose this path, you have a choice to either make this path comfy and safe for them, or to show them just how rocky it really is. Quit taking care of her Phil...... Quit laying down the red carpet and softening her path.
Quote:
I did stand my ground with her on many issues which is why we always butted heads. Didn't I say it was her way or the high way.
One last thing and then back to work I go. This is not a way to have a healthy relationship. You wouldnt tolerate that from a friend or your family so why from your wife?
I'm not ready yet ok. Hire an attorney. You hire one really. The woman will not even talk to me about the simplest things. I'm not getting an attorney involved yet.
Quote:
I know your tired why don't I keep the kids tonight?
NO! you just don't get it do you. The kids decide where they want to be. Me taking the kids would just be helping her again. Enabling her to be reckless. When she dumps the kids at her mothers for the night and doesn't bother telling me. Then I did pop in on her and she is up late with a co-worker. NO forget that.
She doesn't want the responsibilty of motherhood right now. Well sorry the decisions are already made for you. You are choosing to be a single parent right now.
There is no retionalizing with this woman. Get it through your head Ian. This isn't DBing.
I can't set boundries because she violates them. Gets pissed and that pushes her away more. She argues with me about the schedule over an hour problem and the very next day the arguement was invalid. Come on dude... There is no logic to this.
It's go with the flow. Her flow. The more I try to butt heads agaisnt it the worse it gets.
Things are going to start changing, because she is going to break down. She has too. She needs to break down. Not me. I was broken down for almost 8 months.
I'm finally getting better, functioning like a top again. I don't need her spinning it out of control over stupidity.
Dude, I didn't tolerate her high way method during the marriage. I fought with her about everything.
Jack three beans- You asked about the spite issue. I was going to build a couch and make it look like a pirate ship. No I'm not doing that for spite. I'm doing that to show the woman that this is not her house anymore and I'm going to do and decorate whatever I want to it. It's my house. She left.
She may think boy I better go home before the house floats away with that pirate theme.
Ian,
Quote:
Quit taking care of her Phil
Didn't others say take care of Phil and kids. Make up your minds!
- thoughts trickle out, one post at a time 