Alien invasion 3.0

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, Neil.

It wasn't so much hearing the word, because it's been out there before. It was hearing the plan to rush it ahead, followed by absolute disregard for what I need to get through the pain he's caused.

I know--believe none of what he says. However, I do believe this. It's consistent with what he's wanted since the beginning--just 2 months ago--out of the blue, to be out of the marriage. I don't think he'll change his mind, and certainly not during the time it will take to process the divorce--it is very quick. He claims--don't know if this is true--that he's been working 3 years in therapy toward this point. I've also had a couple of close, long-time friends tell me they're not surprised, the marriage has long been tension-filled.

He absolutely won't do anything that he isn't sure isn't 100% against us. He wants to be done, to move on, shake the dust from his feet and build a life with OW. She'll dump him soon enough and it will all be for nothing. But right now it looks very attractive to him and he is euphoric with love.

I wish I could detach. I am trying.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

hi honey....I'm sorry he's doing this.

Hoosier,

My advice and/opinions:

I DO NOT think this is MLC. I think this is partly just his character/personality/whatever....just HIM. Poor behavior.

Drop this counselor..... or.....start setting consequences for him and this counselor. State your request (which you've done) then set the consequence (one you can live with). What consequences: you can take your evidence for one, and I think you figure out some other consequences. My brain isn't working that well right now....but we can help with that.

Attorneys love to drag divorces out. It's how they make money, so get one to help you.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him"

"If God is for us, who can be against"



Father, you are always with us. The things the enemy means for evil, you will use for the good of hoosiermama and her daughter. She loves you. She's your child. Father, please make your love for her and your plan for her evident. Guide her in her every step. Let no weapon formed against her and her marriage prosper. Show the truth to all.

Bring healing to her H's troubled mind and heart. Please put barriers between him and the other woman, between all the forces pushing this divorce forward. I ask this knowing divorce is not your will.

Father, through you and Jesus all things are possible, even the healing of this marriage, so we look to you.

Amen.




Addition:


Words aren't working. Stop using them. Actions. Anything is better than words.

Can you (and your daughter) take a spontaneous vacation?

Amen.

Hoosier, (((((hugs))))). You are being tried, no doubt, but I also know that you can and WILL push thru this.

I Cor. 10:13.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

HM I am so sorry for what you are going through. Have you spoken with an atty? We lived in Indiana at the time of bomb #1 and I called a womans hotline and was able to get a free 20 min consult with an atty. She was amazing and gave me some excellent advice, she is in Valpo.

I haven't spoken with an attorney yet; I'm flat broke and getting worse financially. However, if there are helplines out there, I'll find one and see what I can do. Thanks.

Hoosier,

Family law attorneys -- even VERY GOOD ones -- will usually give a free initial consultation, and many will work with women (whose husbands are gainfully employed) on a contingency fee basis where they get paid from the husband (or at least partially so) at the settlement.

I agree with SG -- there are ways to drag this thing out. And even if you can't, 60 days is NOT too soon for your marriage to be saved.

Last time I checked, this whole joint was created in just six.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Hi, SG, and thank you.

Re: the MC--I took evidence with me and she refused to look at it. I really think the only thing that will happen in that room is what probably needs to happen anyway--that we work out arrangements for D with facilitation and a witness. The MC is clear that she considers that our agenda and anything else will need to be worked out in IC. He's not going to admit to an A until the divorce is final--I think the whole thing is about the consequences to him in divorce court. After that he'll probably flaunt her in my face. He knows I know, he knows D knows, and OW apparently has been calling during D's visits (she can tell by his affect).

Can you say more about why you think it's not MLC? To me it fits the picture absolutely and completely. This is not the man I married and raised a child with; this is not the man who sat in the chair next to me just 3 months ago. Has he always been narcissistic and clueless about my needs? Yes. But not anywhere to this extent.

I was hoping to go thru mediation rather than use an attorney. I know I can get one to drag this out, but nothing will move closer to reconciliation for us or resolution for me during that time. H will only hate me more during the process--it's just inherent in how this works. I went thru a divorce 18 years ago; the circumstances were vastly different, but I know the stress and the adversity and the feelings that come up during that time--I know they're likely to be a thousand times worse when a child is involved. Any money going to an attorney is money that won't be going toward D's needs, whether it's his or mine. If I could delay anything it would be the beginning, not the end of the process. Once it begins, I just want it to be over.

Thank you for the prayer. I'm beginning to think I need an exorcism as well. The enemy is definitely at work in my life.
Please keep praying for me if you can.

[hoosiermama]

Thank you, Puppy. I had a great attorney 18 years ago, plan to contact him in the next week. It's only fair and appropriate that H pay my attorney fees, since he's the one who wants this.

Not to doubt your faith, but I'd love to hear more about how I can save my marriage at this point. Yes, I think he'll eventually wake up, but even then I don't know that he'll want to come back. In reality, the marriage hasn't been great for several years; nowhere near as abysmal and miserable as he's telling me, but I haven't been happy either, and I would have given my right arm to work on it--but he wasn't emotionally present in any way except anger. He checked out a long time ago, me more recently just as a way of coping. The difference is, he found an exit affair, I just escaped into reading. I was pleasant and tried to build on things when he was approachable, and withdrew into books or surfing the rest of the time. Wish I'd known I'd need it--I could have used DB quite some time ago. Didn't know it existed.

Anyway--any ideas? I'm quite ready to drop the rope.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hoosier,

I'm making the assumption that, with the ending of his affair if he were to do that and come back to you, you would also both get some GOOD counseling, or possibly do a Retrouville weekend or something. The old "status quo" does not sound like it's acceptable, to either one of you.

I don't know a lot about your marriage, pre-this affair. I was responding to your doubts and fears that anything can happen in 60 days. PLENTY can happen.

For right now, though, "drop the rope" is EXACTLY what you need to do. Just work on yourself right now, and being the best mom you can be, as you have enough challenges on your plate without having to worry about how to get the azzhole back.

Is he the jealous type, btw?

Puppy

[sgctxok]

I think you need the LRT, to be as dark as possible.

If you want the D over as quickly as possible, you COULD file yourself and force it forward moving all resistance.

I think your H has demonstrated similar things in the way he changes things about his faith and job. I think this is just one other thing. THat is just my opinion and it doesn't make me right. I don't think it will serve you either way to think about it being MLC.

Dropping the rope doesn't mean giving up, it can be positive.


THIS IS NOT DB ADVICE, THIS IS PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
I think should contact several attorneys as a strategy...especially whoever you think your H might contact. Just interview them. Not worth paying a fee.


No matter what is fair...about visitation and fees (him paying your lawyer)....does not mean it will play out that way.

You could use it as a negotiating strategy.

And then DB after divorce. I'm not saying I recommend it, I'm saying it's an option.



Part of the reason I've 'called puppy in' is I have too many personal feelings about your situation, so I'm kind of firing myself. I'll give you support as a friend, but I'm not objective.

[hoosiermama]

Yes, absolutely--there would need to be a lot of healing, a lot of forgiving, a lot of therapy if we got back together. We did Retrouvaille about 8 years ago, but we were obviously in a different place then.

Given a lot of thought the the marriage pre-affair. Trying to decide if it is worth all this suffering. The jury's kinda still out on that, as I know I'm seeing it through the glasses of grief. No abuse, no substance addiction, a lot of narcissism and selfishness on H's part and resentment on mine, definitely a SSM. For the most part, H is a good dad. We had 2 mid-term stillbirths, which were excruciating; with the first we pulled together, with the second I had difficulty coping especially with the fact that H left me alone the entire time I was in labor. Not sure I ever got over that.

I doubt he's the jealous type; I've never given him any reason to demonstrate that. Right now, I exist only as an obstacle to what he wants, so I can't imagine he'd be even a little jealous.

[Aud31]

I'll agree with Puppy...it's much easier said than done right now, but do your best to breathe through the grief and drop the rope. It takes conscious effort to focus in on other things, but they'll help you through. Love, nurture and protect yourself and your daughter, and do your best to let everything he's doing slide off your back--it is what it is--whether he admits it or not changes nothing. Regarding the D...just let it sit and see where it goes. (After talking to attys to be sure you know what to expect, etc.)

[hoosiermama]

An email this morning from H:
"My need to have my own home is more than for my comfort. It is also about D’s needs. an option is for her to always “visit” me –that is, be a visitor with me – and another (preferable option) is to create a home for her with me as she has a home for her with you. She could have her stuff there with me and feel like it was her home, too and not a visitor.

I know it is hard to see me beyond the negative lens that you usually see me through. I also know that you are grieving. I am grieving, too and we are in different places along that path.

I support the idea of mediators and was going to suggest that. I’m glad you also suggested this option. When we file, I believe there is an option to do so, together, rather than “serving” papers."

I replied that I cannot in good conscience consider a joint filing. I may have no options about this D going forward once it is filed, but I absolutely will not be a part of initiating it.

He doesn't want to be seen in any way as the "bad guy." If we filed jointly or if he makes me angry enough to file myself, he can say--well, she wants a divorce and I'm just going along with it. Absolutely not. I will also not want to tell D that I had any part in formally ending this family, except to do my best to keep our heads above water emotionally and financially.

And he's grieving too? The difference is that it's his choice and I'm left to pick up the pieces and have been powerless about the future of my family. Is he even actually trying to get my sympathy for his grief?! And that negative lens thing--this from the man who is blaming everything on me and claiming our entire marriage was a miserable mistake.