Ali, yeah, I really am angry about the accusation. And the H has been told repeatedly not only from me, but by the guy as well. My H accused the guy of trying to get "us" back together because he felt guilty for sleeping with his wife. Right now, ...The H is too busy using that as part of his rationalization for his douchbaggery. He blames me 100 percent for the melt down of this marriage, and how I treated him etc. So much so that latching on to someone else immediately only feeds that delusion. He takes no responsibility for his own part in this. Having a shiny new penny to divert him is easier than looking in the mirror and figuring out his own self. Funny thing is, she's the same age as I am when we got together, has the same physical characteristics. Blond hair, weight, height etc etc etc. I call her the dollar store version of me. ;\) There's enough "stuff" there in what he's doing subconsciously to fuel at least 2 or 3 chapters of some psyche book or thesis, I'm sure. ;\)

My anger evolves further that the OW parasite CLEARLY knew what she was doing by feeding my H's insecurity about this "guy" and then out right telling my H that I was messing around with the guy. (My H actually believed and often told the story that he knew this guy was gay until the accusation came out his mouth after the bomb.) The first 3 weeks after the bomb, he was actually trying. He actually broke it off with her (long story - just trust me on this, I just KNOW it's how it all unfolded)... the day after it all happened and she saw us together on that Friday night and she knew we were going to try to put things back on track,.... I have phone records of her phoning him all weekend long with hour long phone calls to the tune of some 5 or 6 hours worth of conversations to him. That weekend he *turned*... the tap got turned off... and then the accusations started to fly about the "affair". Coincidence that she had LOTS to lose, was about to lose her Sugar Daddy ... and then him then swearing that he KNEW I had an affair etc that very weekend? You do the math. (There's more but my brain is too tired to go through all the rest of the details) \:\)

Suffice to say, yeah, I've even (actually BOTH of us me and the guy) have repeatedly offered to do a lie detector test. We've been met with: Oh, anyone can fool those things. Blah blah.

So you're right, the hurt, the injustice of it, the frustration and anger and how they just spin into each other,... just exhausts me. If I'm being honest, I'd love nothing more than to be in a place to do what Lisa is doing. It WAS my original intent. When I first read here and some of the testimonies on the forum, I read about a man who did this with his wife... he decided to be her best friend, etc etc etc. I KNOW... I KNOW... I KNOW it would give me an amazing upper leg to getting this marriage back on track. It's why I'm so angry that my brain chemistry ISN'T cooperating. I fought soooo hard to stay off of Anti-Ds, I refused to want to believe that I wasn't strong enough to do what Lisa and that man I read about and the "best friend" mode of DBing. Sigh... I can't. My mental health just simply at this point... can't handle it. I wish, pray, it wasn't the case ... and OH YEAH!!!!! am still incredibly angry at myself that my body isn't cooperating and allowing me to DO that mode. I've had to try to come to terms with the limitations of the cards I've been dealt here. The lie about my affair ... and my brain just simply NOT able to stay quiet enough to do BestFriend DB. I can beat myself up about it... but *shrug*... I tried to do it... and it sent me to a very bad place that I simply won't revisit again. Soooo... MAYBE, ... just maybe as this unfolds I might be able to turn that corner,... but right now, I can't. You have NO idea how much I wish I could. But I know right now, that attempting that, would leave me at the bottom of a pit that simply isn't healthy for "moi" \:\)

Just like you with wearing bright colors and red shoes (I have a fetish for BLUE ones, cuz my mother wouldn't allow me to have any as a kid - cuz they didn't match with enough clothes *giggle*)... I'm trying on "new things" as a way to get stronger in the interim. I've joined a gym plus I walk every day. I've pushed myself to take these courses that is part of my original 180. I've gone dark. I've started the "vision board" - a la "The Secret/Law of Attraction". I've started to reconnect with old friends that understand what I'm going through, but are "away" from the H/OW zone. (I've gone into requesting from everyone except 2 of them that it be a No-H-zone.) I don't want to talk about him and the parasite, I don't want them to tell me what stupid crap they've been up to. I don't want any more "zaps" of emotional fry pans in the face about being reminded that these two are together. No tattle telling etc. I just simply want to treat it like they don't know my H, the situation or that I was ever married to him. I'm getting good at knowing what my limitations of what baby steps I'm able to take. I was invited to a concert 2 weeks back... was too soon to link up with those friends. And I was invited to a birthday party with my old band mates and their place is a TOTAL no H zone... I almost said yes... but knowing going back to the neighbourhood, seeing ALL of those folks all at once, being alone there with them for the first time... tooo many firsts,... and I would have been brought to tears.... probably a few times. It was a happy time and I really didn't wanna be a downer on someone's b-day, ya know? Besides... my body started to shake and I had a minor panic attack as I contemplated saying yes. So I know it was too soon... I'll say yes eventually. Matter of fact, one of the "fun things" is to link up with these same people at a camp site for the weekend about 2 hours from here, in about 6 weeks. It's a goal to try and be ready for that. Also another fun thing is my long time friend and I are going to do a bunch of museums and galleries in August. Going to do a all day boat trip on the 1000 islands on the St Lawrence.

My T and I talked about how I’ve taken to really trying to find things to get me stronger. Because she knew I wanted to be the “best friend” and try to start to have an “affair” with my own H. Right now, that’s part of why I know I’m not ready to reconcile with him. I’m, .... me... the person I need and want to be isn’t ready. Gotta work on me for now. I’ve put the order out there to that “Law of Attraction” philo of what I want... and right now, it’s up to me to be the best me I can be. Same with all of us here.

Wow... this was long winded!
Abbey \:\)

T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.