let me sum all this up i suppose. 5 weeks ago W admitted to kissing her ex-bf, said she needed space and time to think. I volunteered to move out (nice guy) so my son could stay in his home and she had a place to cook for him. well my first night out, OM slept over. came home, caught them, kicked him out; she wanted a divorce at this point. begged and pleaded for 3 or 4 weeks for her to snap out of "it." fast forward to this week.....W's best friend (girl) and her best friend's boyfriend got kicked out of their apartment so my W offered to let them stay in our house for a couple of weeks til they found a place.(i agreed since i don't want her to be alone and i know them) The 3 of them have been house hunting (for the couple I thought), but since my wife has an extreme fear of being alone at night, and it would be cheaper than living at the house we own, she informed me she would most likely move in with them in their new home. also as for going back to school (she's 22, dropped out at 19 when she wanted to party some more) to get a degree, "another party" offered to help pay her way(OM). for the past 2 weeks, I have been nice as pie, not letting my feelings get in the way of things. We have not talked about our relationship ONCE in those 2 weeks, nor have I told her i missed her or loved or "please come back." I've been DB'ing (or so I thought). she has been really nice, we've got along great, etc. I have not agreed to a divorce, she has not filed. what could I possibly tell her to get her to stay in our house, or reconsider our R, or stop her from taking OM's money for schooling ? Most likely, everyone on here will tell me NOT to help her pay for school, to let her move and sell our house (one less bill). I am being nice and telling her i'm proud of her for pursuing a degree, and when she mentions the house hunting, i say "well it sounds like you are planning things out" and leave it at that. background check on OM.....they dated in high school, he left her for some reason (who cares) now she thinks that since he came back, it's her last chance. i was kicked to the curb. She sees him every chance she gets; I'm living with mom and dad. both our families and friends know, and frown upon what she's doing. However she "needs to make her own mistakes" as her parents put it.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I have detached to the point where I haven't cried in 3 weeks or showed any emotion around her other than being upbeat and encouraging of her pursuit of a degree and career. Her parents and friends aren't going to tell her how to live life and she has to make her own mistakes so I've hit a roadblock. She won't slow down on this separation jazz, in the meantime i'm out GAL with friends and my son. Reconnected with family too. Is there a way out of this ditch ? when she tells me things about house hunting and OM wanting to help pay for school, i feel like she's gauging my reaction (won't look at me). She cares about me, but what the hell does that mean nowadays
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
p.s. started this thread because I figured "Soul Mate part Deux" was going to be locked soon (almost 20 pages). Anyone and everyone share your experience and advice. Marital property and Child custody have already been worked out; Just need to get my wife out of this lustful, partying, commitment free trip she's on. I realize most of you will say I can't change someone, but MWD says we can, first by changing ourself. she finds it admirable about how i've changed, but no comments besides that.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
No, you can't stop her from doing what she's hell-bent on doing, but you damned sure don't have to make it any easier on her, either. I don't think you should have allowed the two friends to stay in your house (hell, YOU should be in your house!!!). Why don't you want her to be alone? This woman NEEDS to be alone, to think about what she's doing. Any introspection that she might have done is out the window as she's out galavanting with these two now.
I think you just allowed it to be the "nice guy" again.
Do NOT pay for any of her schooling, unless ordered to by a judge. So long as she is emotionally invested in your marriage as your wife, you are committed to helping her fund her dreams. Once she checked out of the marriage and began cheating on you, that "contract" went out the window with the soiled bedsheets.
Do you want to hear things about OM from her? Personally I think it's incredibly disrespectful, and I would never allow it.
puppy, thanks for the usual matter of factness. Will not pay for schooling...my wife is human and still suffers from introspection. Her friend living there won't stop that. If my best friend got kicked out, I would have offered them a place to stay. It's the best friendly thing to do. I care about W, and she is insecure about being alone. I never wanted to punish her and make her live alone. 3rd shift does that though. But you didn't really give me advice about things to say or do to get her back. Playing it cool and getting a life isn't doing much if anything. She is still going on. Maybe I should ask mark ? It seems like he gives me things to do and say and you are to hit me with reality when need it.....??
Last edited by buster80; 07/25/0802:31 PM.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
You don't really describe conversations with your wife, giving us dialogue. If you could, I could give you specifics of what I might have said differently, if anything. You post short snippets of thought, all broad, in post after post, and it's tough for me to be more specific than I've been, I'm sorry.
Others will tell you, giving specific wording is actually one of my strengths. I just have a hard time providing it to you, for the reasons stated above.
I will say this: When you say
Quote:
Playing it cool and getting a life isn't doing much if anything.
, I would tell you that it is WAYYYYYY too early to judge that. This is a MARATHON, not a sprint, and you've only begun to run the race.
thank you for the replies PDT. i'll try to be a bit less vague. W and I talk once a day on the phone, regarding picking up our son. the only conversations we have had regarding other things are the one I mentioned last night.
W : went with (couple) house hunting tonight. found a really nice place last night with a bunch of bedrooms
Me: why do they need so many bedrooms ?
W: Son and I would move in too. I CAN'T stay alone in our house. plus it would be so much cheaper than $X i'm paying now.
Me: wouldn't it be easier to get a small apartment so you could afford college better?
W: and live by myself ? no. also, "another party" offered to help me through school.
Me: I see. well i'm glad you're at least not giving up on going back to school.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I don't really have many conversations to go by. it's so stupid she can't just say his name. this "other party" [censored] is so petty. when she picks our son up, we put him in the car seat and we talk outside of the car for about 10 minutes every night. She just tells me about how work was going (applied for assistant manager). I of course seem interested and encouraging saying she's qualified for it. most of our conversations involve my job or hers. up until last night, she has just mentioned going to look at houses with her friend/friend's boyfriend. it was only after i asked why they needed so many bedrooms that she offered the info that she would be moving too.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
she never made it back to school while we were together because of bills (including me always buying weed and her wanting a brand new house) well after the bomb dropped I of course apologized for neglecting her want to pursue college and I offered to do whatever I could to get her through school (i did not mention financial help). just watching our son, helping her study, etc. She just let the idea of going to college fade away while we lived together; she wasn't always saying "i want to go to school. stop buying weed" I should have known though. classic story of H ignoring W's wants and desires until its too late.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
the last real conversation I had with her about our R was 2 or 3 weeks ago. I told her (mistakenly and backsliding) that she wasn't thinking straight, and if it was so easy for OM to waltz into our house and help wreck things, he could (and would) do it to her eventually. I told her I didn't want to see that happen. I told her there was a reason the R with OM didn't work the first time, and it wouldn't again. I realized when she told me I needed to talk to him to see how he really was, that she was brainwashed and I was just pushing her away. ever since that conversation, I haven't brought up jack about our R. when she asks how work was, I say great, when she asks how I've been, I say really good, stayin busy. I have avoided talking about R at all costs. up until last night's discussion involving "other party" there has been no talk of OM from either of us. meanwhile everyone keeps telling me to either give up or it's just a phase. to the people that tell me to give up I say, "you're not supposed to be telling people to give up when they're following their heart" they act shocked like they thought they were doing the right thing and they say "yeah you're right, sorry"
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
