Phil, I understand that many of teh parenting issues are with her. So maybe it is time to find a family therapist. get in there and discuss what needs to be done for your kids benefit. You stated:
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They stay up late. They do what they want. They push her buttons constantly. She screams at them and they laugh in her face. She created this mess.
Another thing she also uses poor language behavior around the kids. I would always ask her not to do that, but she did it anyway.
Is this beneficial for your kids...NO, so allthough she is the one doing a piss poor job, you have the ability to correct that. This is what is meant by prioritizing yoru children and protecting them from the devistation of divorce. You as the parent have the ability to protect them. Get them into a therapist. If nothing else, and this whole thing goes south on you, you find yourself in court, a therapist who is working with you will benefit you when it comes to amount of time with your kids.
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Ian, I'm really really screwed here with everything. I'm not going to change her parenting behavior. I'm not going to change her behavior on our relationship.
If she chooses not to change her behaviors, not to do what is best for the kids, and not to set guidelines for them, then you need to step in and take more time with your children for their benefit. You have the opportunity to stop your children from growing up disfunctional, do you step up and protect them or do you continue with the excuse that it is all her fault and you can't do anything about it? Get those kids in therapy and start protecting them as their father.
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No different then the time we were dating and she needed high heels. First store had them. Well lets look around two hours later and 50 stores later looking at every single shoe. She bought the shoes she saw at the first store. I should have ran then.
No, you should have stood your ground then and made a point that if she is going to shop that way, you aren't going with her. In reading about your past Phil, I believe that the statement you made about your kids:
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She created this mess.
Applies to you when it comes to a lot of things with your wife. YOU created this mess by not standing your ground long ago. You allowed certain behaviors to become acceptable. You taught her that it was ok to do these crazy things by giving in. This is what you need to look at. You love to blame her for her behaviors and actions, but you need to instead look at how you contributed to them.
This pattern continues today. You put up with more than you should. You engage her more than is necessary. You are teaching her now that it is ok to act like a bitch and treat you like dirt because you will continue to take it and still be there giving her the kiss on the cheek and saying I love you.
I mean really Phil, if I was her, my thoughts would be why the hell should I change anything? I am getting the benefits without having to do the work and I have no rules or guidelines. I have my cake and can eat it to.
At some point you are going to have to establish boundaries for yourself with her. You are going to have to stop kissing her asss like she rules the world. You are going to have to stop giving her affection when she does nothing to warrant it. IMHO, until you develop some backbone with her, and take charge of yoru life, your situation is likely to stay stagnate and not improve. You could be stuck right where you are now for many years to come. I do not believe that is what you want.
Hang in there Phil, as time goes along you will get a much clearer focus on what is important and what works.
