Is W in MLC

[Kenny]

Y

I can really symathise with your feelings of hurt and loss. I cant reconcile the two people in my life that my w has become.

So angry and resentful way out of proportion with what I have done in the past. But still the woman I love and have loved for 25 years.

I am trying to detach but there are so many strings attaching us that it is really hard. Scissors getting blunt as I cut through each one.

I am clinging on to her desperately trying to get through to her but maybe like you need to see the process of separation and loss as a natural one and let her go. Hurts like hell.

Keep positive

My thoughts are with you.

[yenko69]

Kenny,

Sorry to hear that your W is so angry and resentful. My W was for a little bit, but it lasted about a week. Since then we are on friendly terms.

Since this has started I have found many revelations about myself, my W and our M. It does help some, but still hurts.
Step back for a little bit and reflect upon yourself and what you want. I found it helpful when I fully realized that I could do nothing about what my W does. I can only control my actions and work on being who I want to be.

You can still stand and leave a door open while detaching from the sitch. Step back breathe and find yourself again and work on who you want to be. Let her choose her own path to go down and give her the space to do it.

I fight for my W and my M daily by giving her space, time and her freedom. By working on myself to be who I want to be. There are days when I want to call her and plead/beg, but I don't. I try and take the pressure off of her as much as I can. Sometimes I do slide backwards, but I get better. Yes it does hurt like hell. Hurt this morning when I woke up and wished that I was snuggled up with her.

I have chosen also taken the high road on this and stay true to myself. Whatever happens I still have to live with myself for the rest of my life. Whatever you choose do it so you will not regret it later.

Stay focused and let the pain come and go. As bad as it gets it will pass. I try and use the pain as a tool to stay motivated to improve myself and so that in another relationship I do not make the same mistakes that I did in my past R with my W. I have also let the past R die and grieved for that loss. I have not let the M go, I just don't dwell on it.

I feel your pain. My thoughts are with you also. Post if you feel really bad and I will try and lift your spirit the best that I can. You are not alone in this.

[Kenny]

Thank you for these truly kind words.

At the moment You are a far stonger man than me.

Still shellshocked and still scared. By reading and sharing with others on here it does lift me.

Will stop by often if thats ok.

Always amazed by the generosity of spirit shown on here by ordinary folks trying to deal with their own crisis.

Thank you

[yenko69]

I can understand you being shellshocked and scared. It does still happen with me from time to time and everything seems so surreal. As time goes by it does happen less and less.

Being scared is not a bad thing. It teaches you that you do have the courage to go forward and do what you think is right instead of curling up in a ball.

I am not sure that if I am stronger then anyone else. For as long as I remember I have always had a disconnect with myself and trust issues. When it came down to the I want a D, it flipped a switch that had been off for as long as I can remember.

With that I was able to write her a letter and get a lot of my chest and share my inner feelings. With it came a certain peace withing myself and feeling of starting to become whole. The price was high though.

So as far as stronger, not really. Wiser and more empathic towards myself and others, yes. It hurts but helps.

The shock does wear off and some of the fear when you accept the situation that you are in. Stop by anytime and yes the people on here are great.

[Kenny]

I have also written letters to w and have told her at length about my feelings.

She just can't hear them just now or believe me.

Re read some other posts from further up your thread and also feel the calmness here.

Maybe when the calm arrives for me I will give back more.

[yenko69]

We had the big talk last night.

She started and said that she wanted a divorce. I told her that I understood and would support her. She asked why I was so agreeable, did I find someone else. I said no, I wanted her to find her happiness. I said I would rather see her happy than married and not happy.

Went through a long talk on my side of things and what had happened. I did cry, it hurt when I really realized that I had emotionally abandoned her and tore up her trust and love. That does hurt more then her leaving.
- W this may be the biggest mistake of my life
I wanted to grow old with you
I have to file D to feel like I am moving on
Don't know where I am going to live, bills ect
I failed you because you I was not strong enough to wait
I fail at everything I do
Without you I would not have all these things, gone to
school ect
You are know the man that I wanted to married to, but it is
to late.
I was to mean and not nice to you
I am having feelings for someone else
Why did it take you so long to change
about D11 (actually step-D) and me dating someone, asked if
some girl had called and asked me out

-M stayed supportive and comforted her
said I do things at the house because that is who I am and it
would help take some of the pressure off of her
told her I had to hit bottom before I snapped out of it
lifelong denial of depression and of of disconnect/ trust
issues but she flipped a switch
Accepted my role in what happened
told her I would leave a door open if she found her way back,
but did not expect her to, her decision

Pretty much went on for a couple hours.

Went to the house today to fix the computer and pickup some mail. She said to eat lunch there if I wanted to. She set up a meeting with a L on August 4 to figure out what to do. Made a comment about my "girlfriend" Katherine (?) and me dating. Talked to D11 about helping her mom get stuff done. Small talk. She was polite and said thank you for other things. She does say thank you for everything now.

Called me later in the afternoon about if I had picked up something from the store the other day. Short conversation and polite.

It did pretty much suck, but I don't give up that easy. Wait and see what happens next.

I am hoping that getting her thyroid med and anti depressants right will help out some. W is really stressed out right now. I try and stay calm and collected, but that is pretty normal for me.

I can't really tell with her whether she wants me to verbally fight for her or not. W does need a lot of verbal support.

[peacetoday]

Y
I would say dont fight for her
at least not in the way she might think
dont pursue or say things about loving her
judt lidten snd validte
you did a good job with the conversation
now let go
gal and take care of you
peace

[yenko69]

I think you are right, I am not going to fight her. I will keep going the way that I am right now, a good friend and a support for her. Letting go, that is one thing I am good at.

Funny thing when I was talking to W earlier. W "just because we are having problems". It was not directed at me, about something else. The conversation was polite and W thanked me again at the end.

I would think that getting a L and filing for D is more then having problems. But, that is just my opinion.

[Kenny]

Polite friendship , no stress and no fights sounds ok to me.

It will be good for you, the quiet and calm at the moment.

The D isn't final till its final and theres a long way to go yet. Who knows what path you will go down.

I feel much better when w and I are not screaming at each other.
Last night I was all chatty and getting on with things like the ironing and mucking about with the kids and stuff. W didnt want to get involved at first but eventually chipped in and even made me some supper and was a bit more friendly. Nothing much but better than outright hostility.

Be the best that you can and they will see it slowly and surely.

Have a good weekend my friend.

[yenko69]

"Polite friendship , no stress and no fights sounds ok to me."

It has been really nice. We do get along better then we have for quite awhile. Almost always polite and friendly with each other.

This weekend should be pretty good. Going to training for a few hours this morning, getting D11 for awhile. Then to IC. Keeping D11 tonight and taking her fishing with my dad tomorrow morning. Then it is my nieces b-day party tomorrow night.

Sunday W is going to another B-day party. We may work on some financial stuff, maybe not. I think Sunday I will just relax for the day.